I have felt out of place since my husband died. I was 45 then now 47. I work of course full time. My friends who are my age or up to 12 years older are still married and starting to have fun without kids at home any longer. We were struggling financially with my husband's cancer the last 2 years of his life. I, of course do not have an easy going lifestyle. I do not know a single widow my age except online...its an odd life now. Not the one I had envisioned. I just work with it...almost 2 years now.

I can't identify with widows or other females my age -69 !

We also have a family-business...with our adult kids...and my husband and I had no plans to retire ever. My husband died unexpectedly 6 months ago...and we have been BUSY !! I do my part...and will as long as I am able.

We love what we do...all working together. And I feel no connection to women my age who have free time....and are financially secure in this economy.

I don't envy them...but certainly don't "fit" in that world.

I've been a square peg in a round hole my whole life. I have been wondering myself lately exactly where I am supposed to fit in now.

One thing I learned here on DS, especially on this board, is that people don't ever post the whole story. I would take all those "perfect lives" with a grain of salt. People say one thing publicly, but privately you hear the real story.

There are some things that anyone who has not experienced them cannot possibly understand or relate to. Things like losing your spouse, caring for an elderly parent, dealing with an autistic child. And trying to hold down a full-time high stress job because you feel like the whole world is leaning on you at the same time. I understand those pressures, even though my life doesn't look like yours. I think a lot of women of our generation would identify with what you are going through.

You need a break. You also need some help on all those fronts. I wish there was something more I could do to help you. There is a group here for "Caring for Aging Parents" - I don't know if you knew that. Here's a link:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Caring-For-Aging-Parents/forum

I know you don't want to lean on your kids, but maybe it is time to sit down with them and work out who can take some of these burdens off you - even if it's just for a few hours a week. And you shouldn't feel guilty about it - it's okay not to be Wonder Woman all the time. I know you do all these things out of love for your family, but it's important that you give them a chance to do something out of love for YOU. I have a hunch that if Bill were here that he would expect the kids to help out and not for you to be shouldering it all.

Have you considered joining a professional organization for women? I used to belong to the National Association of Female Executives, and my sister used to belong to the National Association for Women Business Owners. You might make some useful contacts that way. Even a once-a-month luncheon with other women grappling with some of these things might help you feel less like a square peg. Might even be good for your business. Just a thought.....

Sorry you're having a tough time. I am, too, just different battles this year... I keep you in my good thoughts and prayers always.

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

IceZam, Wow you must be really tough, to carry such a burden. Any one of those issues you are dealing with could cause major stress.

The reason you do all these things is because at one time it seemed like the best thing for you to do. what are all those people going to do if you wear yourself out and become ill yourself?

If I were you I would talk with a counselor and try to revisit the responsibilities you have accepted. They might not be the right choices anymore.

Bob

I am so sorry. I am 64 and do not fit in anywhere either, I am not working at this time, you just can't find a job a this age. Especially in management. I "was", working full time, taking care of my disabled husband, my father, granddaughter and her 3 kids. My Dad died, she lost custody of her kids, my husband died, I got let go from my job. I had to get my granddaughter out of my home. And now have been looking for a job.

My children, (except 1), do not help me, or even visit or check on me. But they do keep coming getting things. Thinking everything was his.

You need to sit down with family and explain, that you can't do everything anymore. The sister-in-law? Is it her parents you take care of?.

I was at a grief seminar 2 nights ago. I spoke to a lady in her 60's that had been widowed 4 years and was still grappling with the grief like it was yesterday. The conversation started about her big house and trips she made but as we chatted about the emotional effects of being widowed she told me she cried non-stop on those beaches because her husband was not with her to share it. She also complained about her friends not getting it what type of pain she was in. I encouraged her to join a grief support group. What I am trying to share is those carefree widows are not as carefree as they appear.
As far as your own personal situation I hope and pray you find a
way to give yourself time for self nuturing. I reduced my hours at work realizing how precious life is. And please lean on others. To me not a sign of weakness but strength. Square peg in a round hole yes have that feeling often. I think it comes with the territory. God bless Gerald

I'm sorry that your life is so so hard now and you do not have anyone to confide in. I have learned long ago that the people who sound like they have the most perfect lives are the best at never sharing the real deal with others and putting on a happy..perfect face...but the reality is that none of us know the extent of what others face until we walk a mile in their shoes. Facebook is great (I love it because I get to see pictures of my grandchildren a LOT), but facebook is a popularity contest and everyone is NOT posting the full realities of their lives because probably the world would literally (run the other way) if everyone knew the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I hope you find at least one friend that shares some things that you do...but it is hard when you are so busy. Until then please do come here and share with us...

Big big ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you in the meantime..
-Diana

Hi there, well I think we are pretty much in the same boat. I wil be 65 on September 9th and still work full time.. I actually retired from my previous job for a total of 6mos..so basically have worked since I was 16 except for that 6 mos summer break. Just felt too young to be retired at 57 and then of course wanted to maintain the medical benefits for my dear hubby. He was 9yrs older and the medical sure came in handy when everything started to go downhill. In the past 11 yrs have cared for his dad, my dad, his mother and then Don until they all passed. Still care for my mom, who has Altzheimers, my daughter who has Fibromyalgia and is on disability..and it goes on/on. Even help my stepdaughter with Don's ex..as she has pancreatic cancer. Its good to be busy, Don and I however always carved out our time for us and that is what I'm missing the most. We were so happy just being together and now I am totally on my own. I am not one of those who are hanging out/and going to lunch kind of gals as I always say. But I am sure they have their issues also. I certainly hope you get some help as I do know how hard this all is..miss my Don every day, but the work is giving me the reason to get dressed each day and keep going as he would expect no less of me. Wishing you strength, peace and hope you are able to find something each day to put that smile on your face. Hugs and know I am thinking of you as we walk this path. MaryAnn

Absolutely. I am 60 and still working full time. I also have a hard time identifying with so many my age who are retired, traveling, taking in movies and dinners and sitting by the pool. To be honest I wish I could actually do that right now--but it isn't to be for a least a couple more years. And yes, I do feel like the odd man out--like I just don't fit in most of the time. My friends who aren't retired are working because they want to, not because they need to. Square peg in a round hole--fitting description.

Thanks to all who responded. I didn't intend to complain...just wanted to get it off my chest. I must've left the impression that my children don't help. That is not true!!! They are great!! But we are all very stretched. The point I was trying to make was.........how different my life is from others I am reading about. Seriously, I don't relate to the regular 63 yr old widow. That's all.

I miss bouncing such frustrations off my husband and then feeling better afterward.
So I bounced it off off you guys.
Thanks! I feel better.

A square peg in a round hole? Oh, yeah. Not only am I the only widow in my group of childhood friends, but I appear to be the only one working (!). And work I do. Someone's got to pay the mortgage. I'm good with it...hell, I'm glad I have a job. But to be honest, I find as much ignorance from folks about what it's like to be self employed as I do about being widowed. There is no taking a day off. It just doesn't happen. This is frustrating to me, sometimes. I think I just hijacked your thread. Oops.

I hear you loud and clear. I identify with a lot you are saying. I have to work also. I'm not one of the financially independent widows. Life is pretty hard right now trying to keep up with it all. You are a brave women with a lot on your plate.
Sort of like the duck on the water. On the surface it looks all calm & serene but under the water you are paddling like hell.
I worry about you. It sounds like you have a lot of family around. My opinion only, but I would start with your kids and have a good honest talk about needing some help with everything. Maybe just a few days off, small breaks or changes before all this stress makes you sick. Call some favors from any other family members. I know it's difficult to ask for help but sometimes you just can't avoid it. You will not be letting them down because I am sure they are amazed at all you are taking care of. It's time for you to take care of you too. Sending you a hug & prayers that things ease up for you. Let us know how you are doing. Don't be the strong silent type. It's not healthy. Take care, Lu

I totally get how you feel. I am 60 and cannot identify with others as well. I have to work. I have met a few but have retired and I just seem to scratch my head and wonder how they can retire. My son and his 2 1/2 year old daughter live with me but it is not easy always going to court to fight a battle with his ex girlfriend since he has sole physical custody. There is a lot to worry about when it comes to this as it is non stop

It is also hard not having Mike to talk things over with and make decisions no matter how big or small they are. I lost my husband in 2009. I have 2 sons and do not want to be a burden to them either. They lost a father yet have their owns lives as well. If you ever feel like chatting with someone who feels the same send me a message. Take care

I can so relate. I am also lost without my Bill and this doesn't look remotely like the life I envisioned. I am 54, have a business, a granddaughter who lives with us. With me now I mean. Between looking after her, the store, the house, our dog, dealing with my daughter and other granddaughter's health issues my plate was plenty full. Now I suddenly have the added bliss of endless hot flashes. Yeeha! Lobster red and dripping sweat is such a good look for anyone. Now a good day for me is if A) I didn't have a crying jag in front of customers and B) I only murdered people in my mind. One very difficult lesson I am learning is to accept help. Being over responsible, oldest child, Miss Fix it, that does not come naturally or easily and I don't much like it. But I am getting better at it. And the same way it's always made me feel good to be the one who can be counted on to come through for others, I can now understand that accepting help gives others that same pleasure. Try to view it as a strength to be able to say, "Yes please, that would be wonderful. " Hang in, I'm thinking of you.

You have a LOT on your plate! I was the secondary care giver for my mom, who passed away just six months before my husband. She had Alzheimer's for 8 years. I cannot imagine doing that without the support of my husband.

Do you find ANY time to nurture yourself? It is so important to do that, even if it is just a few minutes every day, or you won't be any good to anyone...

Now, that clliche out of the way (and I apologize if I said something you are sick of hearing...), do NOT believe that everyone posts their "reality" on FB. I, and most of my friends, would never show anything but the good stuff...no one else needs to see my "dirty laundry". Most people look at me and think *I* have the perfect, happy life. Little do they really know...

I am very fortunate, as I am finding out this week, that my income will not be greatly affected by my husband's sudden death. (Well, a little, but there will only be one of us now) I retired early, and don't have to go back to work. So I am still able to travel, go out, do the things that I enjoy....or at least used to, when I had someone to share them with. Everything feels meaningless, however, without someone to share it with. Just passing time.... But my pictures will still show a smiling face, and will impress everyone...Look how great she is doing, how quickly she bounced back!" (yeah, right...)

I do have two trips coming up that are already paid for. Only now, I am going as a "single" And I will definitely feel like a square peg in a round hole. I am not USED TO being single, to hanging out in airports alone during the layovers, to not being able go back the room at night and laugh about the events of the day, to sleeping alone in a hotel room in a foriegn country. So even though my situation is very different than yours, the feelings are still the same.

From this side, it appears that it might be easier to have a job, because I would have my mind occupied with something other than how much I miss my husband, and how miserable I feel....

NONE of this is easy.