I understand how you're feeling. My husband spent his last 3 months in a hospital, and then a hospice center, before coming home to spend his last week with me.

He passed away in his sleep in the early morning hours of July 9th.
He was in a hospital bed in our livingroom. I can't get the picture of him out of my mind.

BUT ...

I'm grateful that he had the wisdom and grace to make the decision to stop all aggressive treatment when we realized he was not going to recover.
I'm grateful that we had time to talk about our life together and say our goodbyes.
I'm grateful that the priest came for confession, communion, and the last rites, because that was very important to my husband.
I'm grateful that our family and friends had time to say goodbye.
I'm grateful that I did not have to place him in a nursing home, and that I was able to be his caregiver.
I'm grateful for all the hugs and kisses and "I love you"s that we had at the end.

And, as much as I miss him, I'm grateful that he's not suffering anymore, and I know he's in heaven.

I understand your pain, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sometimes the sad memories overshadow the good memories, and it's okay to cry.

Tomorrow is 10 weeks for me, I still have bad days, I still have meltdowns, but I'm trying to remember what I'm grateful for.

I feel terrible for the people who've had the horror of a sudden loss.
I can't imagine their pain.
I'm wishing you peace.

Hugs,
Janie

I cared for my husband through 2 major illnesses; the last was leukemia which claimed him in 2008 after a 2-yr. fight. We were married 50 yrs., which was such a blessing when I know so many here lost their mates in their 40s & 50s. I was actually surprised at the total shock I felt upon his death -- I knew it was a terminal illness all along. I have come to realize that losing your mate to death is the most traumatic event most of us have ever faced. Everyone is different - so we don't all confront grief in the same way.

My husband and I grew up in Christian homes and we have strong faith in the God of the Bible. I firmly believe that He was with us through all the hard days of illness that Frank faced, and that the many prayers of others gave me strength to face his death and its aftermath. The Lord's prayer says "thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven." To me, the Lord's will determines if one is healed or not. He says He will be with us thru all our adversity, and even when Frank did not recover, my faith is that he is now in his eternal home with God.

I kept a private journal during the first year after he died. I didn't write every day, but every week or 2. I have always expressed emotions this way -- by writing my thoughts and feelings. I put this journal in a binder and called it "Remembering Frank: My First Year as a Widow." Tears were shed during some of the writing, and I still get sad when I occasionally read it (6 yrs. later). But this is a good way for me to cope

I like to count blessings each day - positive things in my life. One former DS member used to close every post with her "gratitude list." I think this can be a great help. Examples: good neighbors, a reliable car, my children & grandkids, a beautiful view out my back door. We all have something to be thankful for -- and positive thoughts help us heal.

Someday those awful "re-runs" will stop playing in your mind. Someday, you will wake up & your first thought won't be "he is gone." The first year was definitely "the pits" emotionally for me. It didn't suddenly become wonderful, but gradually I began to feel better.

If you can read right now - these books have been recommended on DS as helpful:

"I wasn't ready to say goodbye" by Brooke Noel & Pamela Blair

"Healing after loss" by Martha Hickman

"7 Choices: Finding Daylight after Loss shatters your world" by
Elizabeth H. Neeld

"Getting to the other side of grief: overcoming the loss of a spouse"
by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge

Sorry this is so long. My heart aches for all of you facing the first year of grief. I will never forget the raw pain. DS is a good place for finding understanding. Wishing you peaceful days.
Doye

We cope by taking baby steps, sometime it's moment by moment and other times it's day by day. The memories of their illness haunt us and that's how we process our grief to get 'through' it. The tears at first are necessary to let the pain escape. After time we will concentrate on happier times that will also be painful that they are only memories and make the loss more real. But this is part of healing. Just like having something removed surgically. The pain is first, only we lost more than an organ, so we must feel the loss of each part of our loss.

A hospice worker told me after Don died that I was emotionally where I needed to be. It was years after his death that I understood those words, but they became clear to me. There truly is a season for all living things. I hope you are able to understand what took me so long to accept. With hugs and caring. Sharon

It takes as long as it takes. I watched as my once uber-healthy fit husband was taken by a cancer. It was an aggressive, non miracle kind. I did like you keeping all the plates spinning in the air to keep him from feeling any more stress than what he was dealing with.

I fell after he passed and it took a long time to get up again, much longer that where you are at. I still stumble, but I am better now, not in the losing of him, but in the accepting that I now have to choose my path alone. Almost 29 months.
Jewells

My Art was in the hospital for 2 1/2 months. The last 20 days of his life were spent in the Hospice Hospital where he passed on May 19th of this year. I was by his side 24/7 and watched my handsome and strong husband wither away to almost nothing. I too keep remembering those horrible moments. The day he lost his dignity was the worst. I had never seen my darling so upset. However as Janie said, I too am grateful that we had that time. He made the decision to not take any chemo as we knew it would not give him quality of life. He reacted so bad to the first treatment. We had time to hug and share the amazing love we had for each other. We talked about all the places we travelled too with our 5th wheel and the people we met. I am also grateful he got to spend time with his family before he passed. I am grateful he is no longer suffering. You had a long journey as your husband's caregiver and had to be strong. Take it day by day and try to focus on the good memories. I know it is hard and we will never forget our loved ones passing. However, I am thankful I was there for him. I am thankful for that last beautiful hug he gave me as we looked out over the gardens and he said, "Isn't it beautiful". That is what I try to focus on. I also know what it is like to lose someone suddenly, as I did my Mom. Yes, I am thankful that Art and I had that time together even though it was the worst nightmare of my life. Sending hugs. Sue

I forgot to say that I'm also grateful for ALL OF YOU, too!

The people who post, the people who respond, the people who are so kind and so supportive, the people who send "hugs" and messages ...
It's so nice to know that others care and understand.

Hugs,
Janie

Gtgeo, your experience is so similar to mine. My husband died of bladder cancer after nearly two years. I am close to 5 months, and I find myself thinking still about his last days, about how many times he dealt with pain and misery, about seeing him dead. One thing I find is it helps me to write letters to him. About how proud I am of him, how grateful I am, how lucky I was to have the time I did. About most anything I am recalling at the time. I must believe that in time this stabbing pain will soften.
Janie, I loved your post about gratitude. It is true that we can try to focus on the good things.

My wife Angela battled breast cancer for 12 years. Chemo, radiation, and surgeries over and over. She did well those early years battling the cancer. The last couple of years cancer started to win the battle. I cared for her thru it all. 7 months ago cancer won the battle. She was only 41.
I have many difficult memories of what she went thru. For me these days I am more angry at what happened. I try to channel the anger toward putting my life back together into this new normal. Medication helps. I dislike the way it suppresses my emotions.
I hope to have many years of life ahead of me. Someday I hope to find a new companion. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life.
So how do I cope with all this. I just keep going. I stumble a lot and break down a lot. Somehow I pick myself up and do the best I can. Very few can understand what we have gone thru. Watching your loved ones slowly fade away.
As time passes I do start to remember more of those good times when the cancer was not there. In time I hope the good memories will dull the bad memories.
Hang in there.
Mark

Be patient. Those good memories will return.

Decided to post again. My husband had 3 heart attacks, developed diabetes, had non - Hodgkins lymphoma with chemotherapy and radiation that left him insulin dependent and other ailments, and then lung cancer that took his life in 10 weeks. This covered a ten year period.

When people came to his service they commented on how long he was sick. I had no idea what they were talking about. Each item was dealt with, and closed. I never tied them together and when diagnosed with lung cancer everything changed because we knew the outcome would be different. This would be the final chapter.

I hardly think of the past illnesses since his death and don't think I have mentioned them on here. It's not the same as a downward spiral , I realize that. But the fact was for all those years we lived thinking we had beaten death only to have a new diagnosis that would win. Sharon

My experience was more like yours. My husband died after a 14-month battle with a very aggressive cancer: multiple surgeries (multilations, really), tubes, infections, etc. etc. I'm a couple of days past 19 months now. I am just now reaching the point where he's healthy in my dreams at night. At first, he was debilitated, then he was sick but looking more or less normal. Now I see him as I want to remember him.

The same thing happened to me when my father died, also in torment from an aggressive cancer. It took about two years for my dreams and memories to lean toward his "normal" days instead of his last miserable ones. I'm afraid to say that this is yet another thing that takes time to resolve, but trust me when I say that the memories of the tormented time do fade, and the better memories--the happy memories--come back.

I've found that looking at photos of my husband healthy and happy help me remember that time. Yes, it's sad in a way, because of course I wish he were still like that and still with me, but it also helps me remember how much he enjoyed the life he had. It also helps me come to terms with having lost him, because I know he would have hated living with the permanent limitations his illness would have left him with, had he somehow survived it.

I wish you growing peace as the time passes. You're still in such early stages, and the pain is so raw. It *will* get better.

Thank you. What you wrote is heartening to hear. I agree with your term for the multiple surgeries as mutilations - that's how they felt to me each time a new tube or apparatus was added to my previously so strong and healthy husband. We had been married 39 years. Never expected to be alone at 61. It was heartbreaking for him as each thing he loved was taken away. I was able to comfort him ( he referred to me as his "rock") by stashing my own sorrow till now pretty much. He had been a rock for me and our sons all our lives and odd to say, I was grateful to have a chance to return this for him. It sounds like you went through the processing of your collected sorrows after the loss, same as I am - and not once, but twice. I am very sorry you have earned a title of expert here, but again, I thank you for your help.

Thank you, Jane. Reading about other losses here that happened at much younger ages than my husband's always brings my gratitude to the forefront. I must add that I am also grateful to have been loved so completely as my husband did me and I him.

I lost my husbamd to cancer, over two years of fighting it. Riby was a joker he loved making people laugh. We focus on that. But i still have my days of flashbacks to the end to the moments of the cancer journey.
I'm at 19 months now and have i have more good days than bad.
I bekieve it just takes a lot of time to get to the happy moments.
hang in there, its ok to be sad and grieve, no timeline.
Diane