Squeege, hang in there. I'm sorry for your loss. Just know she loved you very much and would want you to be ok. God bless.

Geminii74

I completely understand how you are feeling about the what ifs getting the best of you! I am at 3.5 months and it doesn't seem to get easier when it comes to the what ifs. I was taken to court by my husbands family for a restraining order last week. I placed my mom in hospice in December and then my brother passed away New Year's Eve. I just don't know when the roller coaster is going to stop so I can get off... Hang in there this too shall pass!

sometimes you can logically sift your way through the 'what if's' but sometimes it consumes you

When someone commits suicide I don't think we ever get all the answers. The "what ifs" really do consume you. Sometimes its "If only". What if you began to mentally change it to "Because I"? For example, "Because I loved her, we were able to have the time we had". or "Because she listened to me, I helped her sort out a problem". Maybe by changing the game, so to speak, you can break away from the all consuming what ifs. Just a suggestion.

I like Castlenana's suggestion. I do the same thing, Squeege ... I wear myself down with all the "what if" scenarios. In my heart, I know Sam and I loved each other unconditionally, and that his death was a tragic accident (he fell into the pool, striking his head as he fell) ... but my mind keeps looking for ways that I could have prevented that freak accident from taking place. I'm going to try to think more positively as Castlenana has suggested. Let's both try, Squeege.

Greif will consume you, it will be relentless and seemingly without end. You will have thoughts that may not be logical in the real world but in your world they are real and they will demand to be dealt with. At least that is my experience. It is different for everyone but at the same time it seems almost the same for everyone. Just know this, we on this site, we get it, we understand the unexplainable unrelenting aspects of the what if thoughts that come with grief. Keep grieving and let the healing will work its way in, albeit ever so slowly. Praying for you and your loss.

Squeege, I have thought of the same things as well. The fact that my husband committed suicide leaves me with feelings that question what we had. Like "did he really love me?" I hear that

I found out that his ex-wife had contacted him back in June and was demanding that he be sure to take care of his kids and forget me. I was furious when I found out (after he was gone). I wondered why he didn't tell me. But I thought about it and I was already extremely stressed with his care and working 40 hrs. I think he wanted to keep things less stressful for me. It made me cry, because here he is with only a short time to live and he was worried about me.

I keep questioning if he knew how much I loved him He never realised how amazing he was no matter how much I told him. He always made me feel so special and I just keep thinking did he realise how much he meant to me and how special he was to me? I told him i loved him all the time and I tried to show him but was it enough? What if he died thinking I didn't love him enough? the night before he died he went out with his friend and he rang me around midnight, I was half asleep and by time I picked my phone up to answer he hung up, i didn't ring him back as I thought he's out with the boys, I'm half asleep, I'll leave him to his night and talk to him in the morning but I never got that chance!! I just keep thinking what if he thought I didn't even love him enough to ring him back?

I wondered if my husband loved me after he passed. I was lucky in that he sat me down the night before and told me how much he loved me and how he'd never been so happy. He told a coworker the same thing. It was a gift from God.

So, think back to a time when she told you how much she loved you. Relive the moment and soon your doubts will start to disappear.

I am sorry not only for your grief but also for the mental anguish these random thoughts are causing you. I found after my husband died that I had some pretty weird thoughts. For close to a year my mind really did not work right. (not that it's all that great when it does)
I talked to my medical doctor and also a professional grief counselor who helped me work through and deal with these thoughts. If I had been going to church at the time I would have probably talked with my Pastor.
. I am sure your wife loved you very much. I am sure you know in your heart that she was true to you.
Sending you many wishes for peace of mind and comfort.