Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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loveddogs 06/27/2015

My Brain tells me that humans have been going through this kind of grief since the beginning of time. People do move on, survive and possibly make a happy, satisfying new life and maybe with another mate. This is logical to me. But here is the conflict. My Heart doesn't believe that! Though I would not want he or I to have to relive these past years as his illness ravaged his body and eventually caused his death, my heart is broken and I am having a hard time fixing it. I do believe his spirit is with me and our family. But that is not enough!! My oldest son living back at home will hopefully find a job in his field after 3 plus years of searching. I want him to find happiness in his career which means he will probably leave the state. My youngest son, his wife and my youngest grand daughter may be moving out of state soon with his new job. He will no longer be 90 miles away. And I want him to succeed in his new career. And my daughter wants me to come to her new home on the lake and just hang today. My husband knew they were purchasing a new home on the lake before he passed. But he never got to see it. My husband was and would be so proud of all three of them. As I am. So yes I want to see them all move forward with their lives. But no matter which way the road leads them, he will not be here to make new memories with. I don't want to hang at my daughters new house, At least not yet. It's too painful to see what he has missed. He loved to fish and thier daughter was one of Grandpa's girls. And I can't find joy in that yet. I liked their other house where there were memories of him. Are the past 40 years of mostly great memories enough to sustain me for the rest of my life? Yes there will be new wonderful memories made, but the sadness of not sharing them with him, talking with him etc. is just more than I can deal with now? The we to me is such a lonely road. So here is my constant conflict. My Brain versus my Broken Heart. Hugs to all, Michele

sandeestttn 06/27/2015

I am so sorry. You are so new traveling down this road. You hit a lot of speed bumps, turns and road blocks. I love my children and am happy when they are happy. I see him in all of them. treat yourself kind.. Sandee

bookdragon 06/27/2015

For the first couple of months it was hard for me to "hang out" or just relax anywhere. Now I have my grandkids around as much as possible because they gave Larry so much joy and continue to give me the same. During this past six months they are the only thing that has given me any happiness. I hope you can get back to that. Big hug! Patti

MJ46 06/27/2015

It's been 2yr and 6 months since I lost Pat. My brain has helped me get through the pain my heart throws at me. Knowing that this is part of the human condition and that I'm not special or unique has somehow helped me get through this. When I walk into a store or restaurant I know odds are there are probably people suffering the same as me and it makes my little pity party seem a little self centered and helps me snap out of it. I recently married a widow, we are happy but we realize that part of being mortal is that one of us will have to go through this again unless we have dementia or do a Thelma and Louise, that's just the way it is.

tiger1962 06/27/2015

To me, grief is largely a journey of heart, thought brain helps lots. You need to let your emotions out of your heart, and you have to eventually accept the reality by heart. I use my brain to find signposts pointing me to directions (by reading grief books and listening to others etc.). The key is to find the new self--that is not only brain or heart but the whole self, which I call soul or spirit, and set it free. Michelle, the struggle between mind and heart is very normal. I have that all the time. Believe or not, your heart is talking and your mind is listening. They are communicating. One day, you will find they are in sync and that is the day of acceptance. It will happen. The decisions of your life will be easier....much easier. Hugs, Tiger

matoacalady 06/27/2015

I feel your pain....my head knows what I need to do, but my heart is in a different place entirely.

I started seeing a grief therapist and will be going twice a week instead of once....I have had many losses in the past 5 years, both parents within 7 months of each other, then 7 months later my husband was diagnosed with cancer and lived 18 stressful months....I mourned him before he actually passed,

This journey has me going down the rabbit hole and I want to come out so badly.

Hugs
Jen

Shrn 06/27/2015

Michele, I want to ask you if you can go to spend time with your daughter in the house she wants to share with you. If you can, and I mean if, I think it would be good for both of you. I'm thinking she feels the same as you wishing her dad could be there too. You don't have to be strong for her. She wants to hear about how proud her dad is with what she accomplished. Hug her and let her hug you. It's okay to grieve together. Sharon

loveddogs 06/27/2015

Thank you all for your continued support! It means more than you know. Had a long talk with my best friend this morning (widow also). And then a trigger and I bawled my eyes out again. But then Sharon, I did itl I went to my daughters new house, took her dogs back to their new home. (forgot how puppies chew everything) so was glad to take them home. More peaceful here now. I walked around the property with the dogs while waiting for her and walked through the house. And talked to my husband. Just thinking how he would love being here. Daughter and grand daughter got there bout 1/2 hour later and we chatted for quite a time. She let the other two big dogs out and it was a three ring circus!! No fencing up yet so it was like hearding cats. ha ha So didn't have much time to really talk about her dad, my husband, but the ice is broken. I know there will be tears and agony as she and her little family start building their new memories as they fix up, decorate and put their personal touches there to make it their home. And rightfully so. The last thing I want is for my kids to see me as a burden, or not want to spend time with me because I am a downer. Was glad I went. Now I am home and ready for a long leisurely nap with my own two dogs. Hopeing to wake up with tons of energy to start getting my little home back in shape. Hugs to all, Michele

hgsdms 06/27/2015

So glad the "ice is broken" and you had a little time there by yourself and then with your daughter. Now try to get some rest and if you don't suddenly have a lot of energy....that is OK! You don't HAVE to do anything around the house that you don't want to do...unless, of course a pipe breaks! LOL All kidding aside, please be kind to yourself and by selfish for a change. Your whole being has been through so much that it needs R&R big time. AZ hugs to you. Darlene

slimbear 06/27/2015

Like you said, this kind of thing has been going on forever. Like, my mother-in-law lost her husband to cancer before I ever met him. That was over 30 years ago. So I'm sure it was very hard on her. The thing is, historically, people just don't talk about death, so we're unprepared and it hits even harder than it might have. But, that's why having this group here is a good thing.

KimKos 06/28/2015

Michele....I am so happy you went...as one that believes more in the heart than the brain...I guess a little dust blew off my noodle cuz I see it so clearly......small steps.....many curves we can't see beyond....too many paths ...but ..one direction...sending hugs!!

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