Unfortunately, too often.

I think that some folks don't know what to say so they just fall into the "stupid" category and say nothing. Which is worse, as far as I'm concerned.

I would appreciate it if they would at least acknowledge me by saying "I'm sorry for your loss!" - It's generic, easy to say and dismissed easily!

It's happened to me a few times and it's been disturbing to me but I just chalk it up to clumsiness on their part!

I've learned so much from my own loss about what to say and not to say......I just wish that I didn't have to learn it all the hard way!

Roz

Missing MY, I truly think that death in general has been a taboo topic for many. At this point I am relieved at times to not have someone ask me how I am doing as it brings flooding tears still. I do like to talk about my husband, but I feel people don't really know what to say. And maybe it's the fear that I will disolve into a puddle of tears. I would rather they say nothing than to tell me they understand when they don't. Hugs to you.

Like rozmorey, I have also learned so much about the loss of your loved one. Even after a year, you feel like some people have forgotten & your right maybe they don't know what to say.

This journey has taught me a lot. I for sure will be more sympathetic
to those that have lost their loved one.

take care

Yes, unfortunately. You just reminded me that during my last physical (same shared doc with hubby) that he didn't bother to say how sorry he was for my loss. He didn't even bring up the topic of Jim, and this had been his patient for twenty plus years. Very bizarre. I still don't get it. You would think at least a physician and/or eye doctor would be trained to be a bit sympathetic to their patients circumstance? Go fish!

I understand your feelings completely. It is all too often that we are the only ones who notice the loss or feel the loss after the funeral passes. My husbands cardiologist won't even give our family appointments since Mike has died. It makes me wonder sometimes if he just wants to avoid the questions I have. Its sad and very common. I would probably melt into a flood of tears and wouldn't be able to talk anyway so maybe its best.

unfortunately (?) I've found the exact opposite..I too took my wife to many doctor appointment's and hospital stays last year.. She knew no strangers, and often would visit her doctors/their receptionists even when she wasn't scheduled, just to visit/bring them baked goods, etc..

our primary care doctors share the same office..so this year, when seeing my doctor in attempts to deal with the grief/stress, i was constantly reminded of how awesome and sweet and kind she was and how much they miss her, by everyone in the office.. Good intentions, I am sure... but honestly, its like ripping a band aid off of an open wound every time..

while its nice that they acknowledge it, there can be too much acknowledgement from my experience, so i'm also relieved when its not mentioned so much

I would rather not talk about it at all at this point. I still haven't told a ot of people, just close family and friends. So if I bump into someone we haven't seen in a long time, they ask after him, and I have to tell them while fighting the urge to start bawling. Our family doctor offered his condolences...he was upset that Tom had passed...he said he had always been 'very fond of him'.
About 3 weeks after Tom passed, I had a tattoo done on my right forearm...so sometimes people who don't even know us, like cashiers in stores, etc, will say 'what does your tattoo say'? and I tell them its a memorial to my 'late' husband...that's always hard...to have to say my 'late' husband...yes, so many triggers...

We have lived in the same spot for 23 years. Our closest neighbor was a mile away and the road ended just past our land. Over the years people moved in and we became friends with a half dozen or so ( walking to visit is at least a quarter mile for the closest so none of us were frequent visitors). Since Neal died only ONE neighbor came by to express his grief over our loss. This same neighbor came by yesterday to bring me a loaf of bread he just baked
There are times this really pisses me off

My husband's cancer Dr. mailed me a sympathy card, it was hand written and signed by the Dr. himself. I remember thinking how seldom do I hear of that happening ? It's ironic because in the last week we saw another Dr. because my husband was so disappointed with this one !! Then after that we had hospice start coming to our home for terminal treatments. The nurses were amazed at how long my husband lived when he was just so so ill. He was determined, he said he didn't want to leave his boys because he felt like he could help with some issues they were having. I won't go into that, but he would have liked to hang around a bit longer. Our boys just need to help their own selves. sometimes your "help" isn't wanted or appreciated. I keep my mouth shut unless they ask. When they do. I let them have it !!!lol Some people have called when they have "found out" abt. my husband's passing, it bothers me then !!! like where the hell have you been ?lol I don't know, better late than never I guess but I would just prefer they just skip it. !!

Ruthann

The few who actually know that my Barbara has passed on simply asked "How are you getting on?" without mentioning her at all. I prefer it that way.

yes disturbs me too, especially when I can see it in there eyes, but I have too much on my emotional plate right now to be their coach. I let it pass and move on. But, yes, I does hurt a little bit.

At first no words but the looks given I knew they wanted to say something but too afraid it would upset me.

We learn a lot on this path.Those that haven't tread it for all the reasons explained but many just don't like the fact that we represent a future since seldom does it happen that both in a couple leave at the same time.
I guess I would take any awkward silence over an inept comment.
But a doctor? they get training in empathy, so not so sure on that one.

Hello to all, first I would like to say I am sorry for your pain your experiencing over the loss of your loved one.

I have never in my life written anything on a blog for others to read but I have stubbled across this site and felt compelled to join and contribute, I hope to gain support from others and I hope that you too can find comfort from my words.

My beautiful husband passed away in January of this year. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March of 2014, he was only 43 when he passed away, leaving m, 38 and our beautiful 13 year old daughter.

I knew from the start that his chances of surviving this disgusting disease were minimal but we always had hope and faith, not blindness just hope.

On his last hospital visit in December 2014, due to high temperature and asitis, I was informed by my husbands oncologist that he had a blockage in his bowel and that due to his compromised immune system and the nature of pancreatic cancer they would not operate to remove the blockage. All medical intervention was removed except the services of palliative care. I was told he had days to live and the oncologist suggested that I be the one to tell my husband. The news was such a shock for us because his most recent scan only a day prior reviled that the cancer had not spread any further, was mostly contained in his pancreas and lining of his bowel but had not threatened any other vital organs.

From that moment on we never heard or spoke to the oncologist again. I felt that as we were private patients, we were no longer a business transaction so therefore we had served our purpose.

We spent our last christmas together in hospital, opening gifts on his bed. I decorated his room with fairy lights and christmas decorations, we wore paper christmas crowns.

I brought my husband home from the hospital because I made a promise to him that I would because he said that is what he wanted.

He was with me at home for 9 days and it was the most special time that I had with him through out the entire 18 years of our relationship. I had never loved him more than what I did at that time. As he became weaker, when he lost all his hair and weight what I seen was the most beautiful man in the world, what I had the honour of seeing was this wonderful mans true self, not the things that I always found aesthetically pleasing about him. I seen his soul and it was so bright and I knew that even though his physical body was dying, nothing could possibly dim that gorgeous light coming from him. I realised that with death comes beauty, the beauty is in the release of the souls energy, like a beautiful bird being released from its cage.

My husband died in my arms. I have always had a low opinion of myself and not much self worth, but for the first time in my life I felt proud of myself. I felt proud that I had cared for him during his illness and that I kept my promises that he would die at our home in my arms. I felt honoured that I had been able to comfort him as he left this world.


I miss him, god knows how much I miss him.

I found that during his illness and when I brought him home that we are surrounded by people, there was always someone visiting, but after his death the silence of isolation was like nothing I could have ever imagined.

I realised very early on that people avoid your grief. I think they don't know what to say, or they are afraid that you may break down if asked, sometimes they are confronted by grief.

How I chose to cope with this was to talk about my husband as if he was still here, to bring up fond memories of him and encourage others to do the same. Although my heart is breaking, those memories which I talk about to others and encourage them to share their own with me bring delight to me. I love listening from others as to how my husband impacted their life. People have realised that gone doesn't mean forgotten, out of sight is not out of mind and by talking about him we are keeping him close with us.

Every night when I tuck my daughter into bed, I tell her I love her and that her dad loves her too. She also talks very openly about her father and I learn more about him from how she viewed her dad, I hear about things that he had said to her or things they done together. I love this as it allows me to create a visual image in my mind of the scenario.

What you may like to try with all those "silent" people who avoid mentioning your grief and loss is to gently remind them of a memory that they may have shared with your loved one, let them know that it's ok to talk about them, that just because they left this world, doesn't mean they didn't exist at all.

I try to show graciousness through out my grief as that is a way I feel that I am honouring my husbands memory.

And really at the end of the day, if people aren't able to communicate with me regarding my loss and grief, I tell myself that their lack of acknowledgement can never take away the 18 years that he shared my life, the gorgeous 13 year old daughter he gave to me, or the 43 years he was walking this earth, I know that he is still very real and very much alive in my thoughts, he still exists in my world and he always will.