I am so sorry for your loss. I too am feeling the same way. I went shopping for my kids/grandkids alone. Wrapped alone and cried too. I haven't touched a single decoration and have no tree this year. I am sad, lost my husband 5 weeks ago. But like you, I hope that by next Xmas I will feel much better and be ready to celebrate life again. This year I will just be glad when it is over. Love and hugs to you and your daughter for this year.

Well, I've been alone for two years four months. I actually have cried more this year then previous years, but on a whole it is getting better. I don't cry for weeks now and for not as long. We all have to get use to our new life that we hate. Just remember that the leading up to the date is the worse.

I can totally relate. Doesn't matter how long my DH has been gone, Christmas is not my favorite holiday. Everywhere I look I see him. Everything that is done makes me miss him all the more. And, it is OK.

I also do not listen to Christmas music for my husband worked on the road and would call me several times a day singing our favorite Christmas tunes. Now I avoid it at all cost.

All I can say is to do what you feel is best for yourself this time of year. The only person you need to take good care of now is you.

I am approaching the 2 yr mark--he will be gone two years on New Year's Day although we spent the last five weeks of his life in the hospital--the last two weeks on life support before we removed him from life support on New Year's Day. Although overall things are getting better I have to say that this year the holiday season has been harder than last in a lot of ways I think. I think last year, being the first without him, I was anticipating and dreading it so much that when it came I had already gone through all the awful emotions and the days themselves weren't as bad as I feared. My daughter came last year and helped me decorate and put a small tree up for the grandkids sake. This year I've had more meltdowns, more tears, more "if only's" than last year. I did put up a tree myself, decorated the house, although not nearly to the extent we always did together--but I decorated nonetheless--the mantle, the china cabinet, a few other things, it looks festive enough and the kids and grandkids are happy with it--but it just doesn't feel like it used to. Somehow it is more real this year than it was last year. Maybe it's just that because I thought it would be so much easier than last year that my expectations were too high. I really thought this year would be much less emotional and sad--but it hasn't been. I wish I had listened when so many told me the second year was harder because I think I set myself up for a rough season simply because I was convinced it would be easier due to the timing (my first Christmas without him he had been gone almost a year already)--I think if I had accepted the idea that the second year would be really hard also it wouldn't have been a surprise and might have even been easier to deal with if that makes any sense. As it is, I have done the things I needed to do so I guess that means I have progressed--I did the decorating and putting the tree up, I've done my shopping and wrapped it all and it's under the tree--I have bought everything I need for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas day as well--so I have accomplished the things I needed to accomplish--that has to mean that I am somewhat better than the first year--I am progressing and moving forward--so technically I can say things are better than last year--but the emotional toll has been harder this year than last. I can only say that I am so sorry for what you are going through--and that each of us is different, we all experience things differently in some ways--but my advice to you is to listen--listen to what others have experienced and what they have learned--it prepares you for what may be. Don't let it set in stone in your head and heart--because it may turn out better for you because as I said, we are all different--but it does prepare you for what might come. I really think this year things might not have been so hard had I anticipated and accepted the possibility that it could be as hard or harder than the first--if I had let myself accept and expect some of this I think it would have been better all around. Somehow I just thought I knew how it would be for me. I knew--I even responded to people when asked that the second year could be harder than the first--but in my heart I didn't believe it would be for me--I convinced myself this year would be so much easier---and I was wrong. I'm learning to listen to those who have already been where I am--so I at least see all the possibilities and can anticipate the best and/or the worst. I hope that makes sense.
Big hugs--I hope your Christmas brings some wonderful warm and happy memories.
Wanda

SO Sorry of all our losses, and being here. as everyone has been kind enough to share, these are tough holidays!. Seems everyone has done somethings I have not, and I have done one or two things others have not. Thus So Proud of each of you and even myself for what accomplishments we have made! even though we are terribly sorry, distraught, down, sad, crying, upset! all at the same time! geesh who would have thought? Yet I think of how much we each loved our Mate who is physically not here, and spiritually with us and try to think simply that I exist and next year will do one more thing that I did not this year and hope to be stronger for this! though does seem impossible Now!.... I hope our love helps us through this, and we may not feel it, it is with us helping us.....I believe in each of us....
Gently soft Hugs, Lots of Love, be gentle, and Hang in there....
Merry Christmas Happy New Years and it sucks, yet there is hope!
Rick

It breaks my heart that Christmas, that special time of love and happiness, family time and laughter, can bring so much pain into our lives. I feel like a yoyo. I told myself to be strong ( three slaps with a wet noodle for me for using that horrible word) that I could do this and then I find myself on the floor weeping like a mad woman.

I'm too new at this to have any answers. But, right now, at this moment, I am really trying to gather some positive thoughts and energy because my sons are coming home today. So far, not so much, but then I remember that everyone here has been sending out all their love and prayers and I hang on to that.
And I'm sending it back out to everyone here, because we got out of bed this morning and we are going to try. Cant ask for more than that.
Blessings,
Sharon

Since my husband died in June of 2007 this is my Christmas #6. The fist year was like I was dreaming and kept wishing I would wake up and see him here. #2 was a reality that this was no dream. From that point I progressed to a sense of sadness that allowed me to start forming a life, starting with who am I if not half of a couple. I too found the anticipation was worse than I feared the day would be. We get by taking baby steps, being patient with ourself and knowing, somehow there will be a purpose to our life once again. Our love wasn't built in a day or a year so patience and prayer if you believe in praying, is what we rely on. Sharon

Christmas was always my favorite holiday! My hsband used to smile watching me decorating the entire house, tuning in into a winter wonderland, just like a fairy tale. My husband died four years ago, just two weeks before Christmas after we had already decorated our house for the festivities.
Our Christmas tree was shiny and bright while I was in an embryo position lying on the floor without any strength; after days and sleepless nights, of devastation, and endless sobbing, I was almost liveless and numb....

For years I could not even think about having any reminder of that December, and Christmas was non-existant in our house; all decorations were tightly packed, and stored seemed forever. But... This year I am finally ready to start celebrating Christmas, to hear carols, and to bake something.
I don't have a big family, and only one son, yet, I found it comforting to return some beautiful traditions, and bring Christmas back into our life.
It will be probably a quiet, but warm and a peaceful home, with two presents under the tree; one is for me from my son, and one is for my son.
While i was hanging my ornaments, i have fund a new one, i did not buy. I dont know how that happened that i ont remeber buying or getting it from somebody...it s a clear glass ornament with a white feather inside. It is written in it " its just a reminder, there is guardian Angel's feather inside, because the koved one is always with you, when you are happy orvwen you are sad".
I will try to be happy, but probably will settled for feeling peaceful and serene.
May peace come to your heart as well. You are blessed having your daughter to celebrate with you. I'm blessed having my son and my memories, and that little ornament that reminds me, it is well with my soul, because I have been loved.
Hug and blessings.

hi ,i am feeling the same as you. my husband pass sept 18 of this year. it is very differcult. i cry alot on an off. we gott married young .i was 17 an he was 20. we were married for 51 years. i am trying my best but it is so hard. try to have a good hoilday i know what you are going throu janice

Dear Kim,
This is my first Christmas too. So I can't tell you next year will be better. Others here have indicated that it will not, and that makes sense. But I'll tell you what I'm telling myself....don't jump ahead to next year and speculate whether it will be harder or easier. Just take strength today in whatever way you can. For me it's an abiding faith that God is with me, holding me in his hands. That does not take the place of my husband. But it helps. It really does. I can feel God's presence, and that helps me take comfort that Buddy is in His presence too.
Blessings and hugs,
Marcy

Christmas is such a hard time of year. Everyone has a different time line...and depends on when exactly a person suffered the loss...but it seems to go something like this...
Year number 1. numb auto pilot...trying to either do everything the same and pretend to "do" Christmas or avoid it all together..either way, getting through it is the main part...survival...it hurts...and is numb..and seems surreal all at the same time.
Year number 2. seems to hit the hardest. The reality of them being gone really really settles in and it sucks! It is hard and your heart is raw.....
Year number 3. So you have had a year of this new reality and you know that you have endured the most difficult hell of your life and some how some way here you are still surviving. You know that for now on it is up to you to rebuild and the holidays are one of those times. Either you totally blow it and cry through the holidays again, or you start to build one day at a time and make the most of it. You may even find yourself smiling now and then when you think of some of the old memories.

hugs as you face the holidays...please be extra kind to yourself...
-Diana

Christmas killing me too-all i can say

This is my second Holiday season. Thanksgiving was better, he died last year on 11-7. This year so far is better for me contrary to what I am reading which is validating for me that everyone has a different timeline. It is not yet Christmas day and I am not sure how I will feel that day. I do know last year i was in a fog and barely remember. This year I have been aware of each thing, from buying a new tree and all new decorations with my only daughter. Wrapping and listening to music. I have cried some, this morning as a matter of fact. But it was not the kind of cry that felt like i could not get up, it was a cleansing cry, i cried, prayed, looked at my husband and said ' you are right, I can and will do this'. and so began my day. My daughter is now baking and I am sharing life with you all. Never knowing what each day will bring but thankful to make it through each one

This is my third Christmas without Robert, and I have not had the energy, nor the stamina to put up any decorations except a ribbon on the door. I tried to do cards that hasn't happened and I have a few little gifts and they are not wrapped. Part of the reason is I am missing my Robert and the other part is I have been ill with a horrible cold and arthritis pain for almost a week. So whatever gets done will get done and I will leave the rest. Christmas is about the birth of Christ and being with family so as long as that happens the rest can take a back step.