I've been very reflective the past couple of days. I've been looking back at our situation over the last couple of years up until now.

It is so hard to not focus on what we don't have anymore. Our normalcy, our sense of security, our dreams, our sense of well-being seems to vanish. But, it is so important that we occasionally take the time to focus on what we do have, what good fortunes came our way during this time of loss that we are sometimes too numb to realize at the time.

Our family suffered a tremendous blow by losing Michael so suddenly, but I see that through all of this madness, despair, and heartache the Lord has given our family many blessings.

First, I am so grateful that Michael was saved and it gives me great comfort to know that he is in Heaven with our Lord. That in itself is a huge blessing.

I have also charted Michael's downturn in health over the past three years. It was not sudden, but a gradual process. I have come to the conclusion that in all likelihood, within the next year he would have been going into liver failure which would have turned to kidney failure. We were both in sort of a denial about his health, hoping it would improve. The doctor's even seemed somewhat optimistic.

If there is ever such a thing as a "good death", we were blessed with this. While his health had been declining, his death from sepsis was extremely unexpected. He did not languish in his comatose state for weeks or months on end. The decision to remove him from life support was not mine to make, thankfully.

Rather, the Lord gave us seven days to say our goodbyes before He decided it was time to call Michael home. Once his heart rate began to fluctuate, indicating that the end was near, what could have lasted several hours only lasted twenty minutes. He passed during the day so that his children and I could be there, holding his hands, surrounded and uplifted by prayers. If he had coded in the middle of the night there is no way I would've been able to rustle three children from bed, drive like crazy to the hospital, and make it to be with him in time.

We were also blessed with the most wonderful nurse during that time. She showed great compassion to my children and me. She actually took the time to sit with me and explain everything that was happening to Michael and why. She drew illustrations and she explained what would inevitably happen. This was on Sunday. Prior to that, my mind knew that his survival was unlikely, but my heart didn't want to accept that outcome. By her doing this, she gave me time to accept and digest the information and begin mourning in my own way so that I would be prepared to explain what was happening to the children. The Lord put her in my path for a reason, and for that I am forever grateful.

While my actual family has been of little to no support, my co-workers and church family have been absolutely amazing. The Lord blessed me by surrounding us with the right people.

Unlike some widows that were left behind with no life insurance, (he couldn't get any due to his health issues), I'm not left with several thousands of dollars in funeral bills. I was blessed to find a funeral home that would work with me and not put me in complete debt.

I am also grateful that I have three healthy children that are a living reminder everyday. I see bits of him and his personality in each one.

I'm sure that I have been given more blessings, but these are the only ones that I can recognize right now.

While I miss him terribly, I would give my right arm just to have five more minutes with him, I realize that it was his time to go. I'm just left here to pick up the pieces of what was our life together. Through the devastation and attempted recovery, I think it is important to come out of the gloom, if only for a little while, to realize your blessings and be thankful that the Lord has enough mercy for us to pass them on.

As always, you are all in my prayers. I am so thankful that I have found this sight because you all help me get through each day. Another blessing :-).