Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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victoria2014 07/04/2018

I was in the nail salon and the women next to me were talking about a friend who lost her husband a year ago.

She said she couldn’t believe her friend was going to date someone and she thought it seemed too early for her friend to see anybody. She felt that her friend should grieve more and take more time to date anyone and that she thought it was too early. And she continued with how her friend is all set because of the good insurance they had.

I couldn’t help my self jumping into this conversation because I was literally getting angry at this women who obviously has no idea what it is like to lose your better half. And it was obvious that she was in some way jealous that her friend had gain monetary compensation by losing her husband.

I Wanted to beat her ass down if I could. The way she made these snarky remarks were absolutely disgusting!

The way she made these remarks were as if being a widow is a defect, that we shouldn’t have a life of normal being....we should be grieving more, moan and cry.. like how do you know when we should start a new life? How long is a long enough of time for us to be in this misery? How long is not too early?

I am tired of people’s reactions when you say you lost a husband. Their sympathetic tone and fake face expressions makes me sick.

I know there are many sincere and genuine people out there who truly understands what we are going through but not many...

I don’t wish upon anyone to go through what widowhood brings, but I know many of them will go through this at some point in their life. And until then, they will never know what it is like to be a widow/widower.... but we are definitely not a defect....we will, and can live a normal life, whatever that is, just like everyone else who has never experienced widowhood YET!

Myfavorite 07/04/2018

Victoria2014, I hear ya. People, especially those who really haven't experienced this, have no idea what to say to us. The "so sorries" get real old and lose their meaning after you've heard them for the 100th time. We don't need the sympathetic face. We get it. We're living it.

Being a widow/widower redefines our "normal" lives. What is normal anyway? I don't feel defective. I just feel the hurt of losing my best friend.

Shrn 07/04/2018

Isn't it amazing how people judge with no idea what they are talking about. And a topic that hits so close to the heart of someone is worse.
We sure aren't defective. We are a new whole becoming a new normal. Normal can change.

cliffskat 07/04/2018

It's always too soon or not soon enough - it's like the old joke about opinions are like a**holes, everyone's got one. I got it both ways on the new relationship angle. When I finally had a new relationship and we got engaged, I had actually had someone tell me it wasn't fair that I had been loved twice. As if somehow I hadn't deserved a second chance at life and love. The person who said that to me was twice divorced and had dated more than one guy who turned out to be married. I felt bad for her bad luck in her relationships, but really she was still WAYYYY outta line.

It's a good idea to give yourself a year before any big changes including new relationships, but that doesn't always hold true for everyone. Some people need a few years, some less time. Every loss is unique, its impact will vary, and how well we deal with it varies wildly. Not everyone will want another relationship - there is nothing wrong with that stance either.

The only thing that is wrong is people judging widows/widowers when they have no idea what it's like. Just wait until those ladies in the salon have to confront it in their own lives and realize that THEY will now be the subject of gossip. These things have a way of coming back around!

Love and Hugs,
Martha

cliffskat 07/04/2018

P.S. - A friend here at DS on another board clarified for me what "normal" is:

"Normal is a setting on your tumble dryer. Nothing else."

Greenteam 07/04/2018

Some people have certain values and being a practicing widow for the rest of your life may have seemed appropriate in the past, but this is the 21st century. I am an extrovert. I like being around people. I agree that no one should jump into anything immediately there after, but part of moving on with your life is engaging in another relationship. In my case I've been with my girlfriend for five and a half years. She is happy and has as much as I can provide. Me? I will say that the feeling is not the same this time, but I like the life I have. No people don't always know what others are going through. It's ignorance. I've done it. I hate the current state where everything offends everyone. Thin skin or whatever. As I get older I am learning to not speak my thoughts as I might have done years ago. There are a few good things about getting older.

raininseattle 07/04/2018

I've grown to hate that sad tone and face too. It's the same one when you told someone you lost a cat or a dog. No offense to pet lovers, but every time that tone was made, I was thinking "what do you know"...

That woman was clueless...

deekers2 07/04/2018

I agree, for me I'm still trying to define "normal". I go through the motions, its the holidays that I didn't realize would hurt. My kids are grown with their own families.

regwin 07/05/2018

Victoria, It's about judging. That woman deserved a good piece of your mind.!!! You should have "beat her ass down" (*.*)
I've heard of people finding someone after three months. Probably a little soon, but if it works for them it's their business. I think if you've had a good person in your life, who treated you well, you want that again. It takes a year or so to come to grips with being widowed. I know I would not have wanted my husband to stay alone.
People who have not lost a love are clueless. As you said"Yet". Hugs, Dolores

shewearsblack17 07/06/2018

In less than two weeks, I am getting on a plane and going on an adventure. I, also, am trying to prove to everyone that I don't have leprosy or some defect because I am a widow. I get so tired of the differential treatment. It was very awkward going to the doctor the other day and him acting like he didn't know about my husband's passing. Don't these medical facilities keep records??? This was a fill-in doctor for my LH's PCP. I refused to elaborate on what went down. I am also flirting (a little) with a man on Instagram. He doesn't respond, but his daughter and I talk. I know he's out of my league, but I have to start somewhere. People sort of roll their eyes if I say I am interested in another relationship. Would they like to trade places with any of us? I think not! I'm about ready for a jailbreak. Today I am going to my bank and apply for a credit card so I can rent a car on this trip.

regwin 07/07/2018

She, Have a wonderful time on your trip.!! I hope you meet interesting people along the way. Hugs, Dolores

Maluis 07/07/2018

Hi All,
well, I have just started the widowership and I get where you are coming from and I feel for the people who have or are going to endure this issue from others. Just because someone has passed and they aren't here, that there isn't a day you think about them and I know my wife who passed only recently would want me to find love again, but in my time and NO ONE should ever say when you can and can't see someone, Do we tell them to leave their partner or tell them to stop being a sour bitch. No we have other things to do and that is family to look after a house to run and work, but now it is without our wife/husband who was our best friend and our rock in hard times.
I really feel for you and you did well not to destroy this ungrateful woman.
sometimes it is easier to say nothing than waste time on someone who hasn't an idea what that lady has endured and can't she be happy she has something good in her life and not full of sadness and grief.

Maluis

lovesloons 07/07/2018

Preach girl. People have no idea the emotions we deal with on a daily basis, we are normal and just trying to live our lives as best we can with the situation we find ourselves in. Widows, widowers we are loving human beings, our hearts are broken and we are trying to just be normal, whatever that is.

shewearsblack17 07/08/2018

That is what this whole thing boils down to, and it makes me very angry. And that is the fact that no one wants us to have a normal life after we lose a spouse. It's like, "You're done. Go to your silent corner." We ought to all get bumper stickers...

Angry 07/12/2018

I know what you mean. I've had the same reaction. It's as if you are suppose to remain in constant grief forever and never go out again. I'm coming up on two years Dec 1st. I've met a couple of people but it went absolutely no where. They ask too many questions. I was still raw in my emotions and settling affairs, and got a part time job, so I had no time for foolishness. Some men love to play games and get high on this chase thing. I'm at the point now that I just want to remember my dear loving husband and not tarnish his memories by bringing in distractions and extra baggage I can't handle right now. My motto is live and let live. I took my daughter and grandson on a camping trip this past weekend. I forgot how to put up the tent so we all ended up at a Super 8 Motel, but it was still a cool weekend. My daughter enjoyed cooking out. Some people may take longer to grieve than others, and that's okay. However, I can imagine that you would loved to have smacked the mess out of those snarky women.

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