Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
So I went to a bbq hosted by a couple of my good friends. They all knew Danny of course and everyone asked how I was doing, the usual. I was actually having an ok day till someone who was going through a divorce came up to me and told me they knew exactly what I was going through, that the sadness of his divorce made it hard to come to these events as well. I held it in but I left the bbq. How can he even think or relate a divorce with the loss of my Danny! I also realized that my friends no longer want to hear about Danny every time we get together. I can't help it. Talking About him keeps his memory alive. My friends and family see him as my past and I feel like I might need to separate myself from those who knew "us" because now it's just "me" . Did anyone feel that they no longer could relate to old friends and that it was just too painful to be around those who lost a friend but still have their own partners/spouses. Feel so alone.
Love to you
Darcie
Divorce is not the same, but it is a painful loss, and I think it speaks volumes for the lack of support everyone faces these days. It used to make me very angry, until a dear friend early on here who had been through both divorce and loss helped me understand what it was like. She eloquently described to me what she experienced, and it really opened my eyes. Divorced people have to go through all the grieving phases, too, just some of them are of different intensity, and they tend to be left with more self-hatred, anger, and guilt than those of us who are widowed/widowered. And all marriages end in one or the other. In a very weird way, it's almost better that we still loved each other at the end.
Try to be patient with them. They don't understand your loss. They can't, really.
As far as talking about Danny, I will tell you what I realized that helped me. It's not just Cliff's life, it was MY LIFE HISTORY. I became a widow,I did not enter the Witness Protection Program. There is no way in hell that I am erasing 30 YEARS OF MY OWN LIFE. Yes, people wouold wince when I would speak of Cliff, until they got used to hearing me talk about my life again. If every time you mention your husband's name you break down in a puddle of tears, then yes, they are going to avoid the subject. But if you can tell a story with a smile, they will get over it. It takes time, but eventually they won't be as afraid to mention him.
We are the keeper of their legacies. That was one of the stranger epiphanies I had. I also have two sons who miss their Dad. It helps all 3 of us to share stories about Cliff. It is my sons' history, too.
I have remarried, to a widower I met here on DS. We talk about our lives before we knew each other. That meant acccepting our previous spouses would come up in conversation. If we didn't do that, there would be this huge hole in our lives and life histories. That would be silly, wouldn't it?
If you do encounter anyone else making the divorce comparison, you can always refer them to the Breakups & Divorce Group here at DS. Tell them you are sorry for their loss. Sometimes people just need acknowledgment.
Hang in there. It's good you made the effort to get out and go to the bbq. I'm sorry you had the upset. I hope the next occasion is easier for you.
Love and Hugs,
Martha