hi, I think you are right in that society is more comfortable with widows - woman usually being younger than there spouses (particularly in the past) and women often living longer than men.

I get though that the bigger issue with being a widower - and again this is a sort of traditional take - is that women are better at peer support - be it as mothers or housewives..men were traditionally in competition and our support skills can be somewhat lacking. So we can be rather isolated.

I'm in the UK also btw

As a woman, I find it very hard (personally) to go certain places alone - movies, restaurant, theme parks, etc. I understand what you are saying about going places alone and being a man. Today's society has ruined that I guess. I can still do all the mundane things like grocery shopping, shopping in general or buying flowers to plant in the yard and on his gravesite!

Sorry I can not be more helpful. Good luck.

Hugs, Valerie

I never thought about the added worries of being alone for a man compared to a woman. I am a younger widow (38), and I do find it somewhat uncomfortable and embarrassing when I go out to eat alone, but only because I am alone. I feel people staring at me and they seem to feel sorry for me. "Poor girl, probably can't get a man", that's what I imagine they are thinking. Even when I go places where there are lots of elderly , seemingly widowed women on Sunday after church. The older ladies look at me like I am a freak of nature. I try not to let it stop me from going out, but somedays I just don't want to deal with it.

My father was a widower and I think the strain of being alone was just too much for him so he quickly married again. He made lots of excuses for why he was remarrying, but I think he he was just making excuses to himself, not to us his children. I guess as women, being a widow is almost something we expect EVENTUALLY. I imagine that men don't really think that way though. I always expected that my mother would outlive Dad. Everyone expected it. When he was left alone after her unexpected death is was such a foreign concept.

I know none of this really helps your situation, but I am glad you brought it to our attention. There are so many unique circumstances when it comes to losing a spouse, and your circumstance is one I was never aware of. It teaches me to judge less and be more accepting. Sadly, I judged my father rather harshly for his quick re-marriage when I had no business doing that. I was not standing in his shoes and had no idea what he was going through.

never realy tho about it b4 i just go with the flow .iam in the uk also .dave

Your comments interested me because I thought my discomfort over going out alone was just something I was sensing. I haven't gone on a real vacation since my wife passed, but I have overcome my unease at restaurants. My trick is to bring a newspaper or other reading material. It is good for those times when I'd be visiting with a companion if I had one...and it keeps me from noticing whether other diners are paying any attention to me. (And I get some reading done.)
My condolences - your loss is still very recent. All the best.
-Jeff

I have heard that before from a guy friend who is not a widow. He complained about traveling alone, dealing with the discomfort, and people negative or precausious attitude toward him.

Practice makes perfect" applies to this situation as well.Perfect is a stretch in this context, but the level of discomfort will get reduced.

First year, or two, it is not the discomfort itself, but it is missing your
spouse feels more acute, especially doing things you used to do
together, like dining out, etc.

Still, try to get out, get aquatinted with people, you might meet a friend this way, sitting at home won't give that chance.
Don't worry about perceptions; people always afraid of unknown, but when they have some information, they relax.




Some people are not comfortable alone all their life, some people more adept to this existence.
I have been so clingy to my friends after I lost my husband, but eventually got tired depending on their schedule, desire to go places.
I am getting better doing things alone, but my independence apparently attractive for my friens, and they more actively seeking my company now.

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife and welcome you to DS. It has been just over 18 months for me and I still feel uncomfortable going to most places alone. I live in a small city and none of my friends or family are single and I still feel uncomfortable in social situations like I don`t fit in anywhere. Paul if you find that instruction manual send it my way....know this is one place you will feel comfortable to express your true feelings, sending hugs your way, Lu Ann

I guess I never really thought about it, but I know my husband would have felt more uncomfortable than I am, going places alone. People do get nervous if they see a man looking at their children. My husband would love to smile at kids and their mother's did not always like it. It's the world we live in.

I think, going places alone, is hard on both sexes. It seems that men are more loners than women. Most men I know, don't have a problem going to a bar or out to eat by themselves. As a single women, there are only a couple of places I feel OK going alone. Movies, casino, shopping, and church.

I wish you luck, and hope you find that manual.

Paula

Oh well, just another reason not to go anywhere : (

Thanks pal, i was just thinking of wandering beyond my mailbox for the first time in nine months. Man am i looking forward to Dec. 21 2012.

There are some things I don't mind doing alone, I will for example go for a coffee alone whilst out shopping and on a good day I might even do lunch on my own. However I would not dare travel or go on holiday alone. You are brave to go to the places that you went with your wife, good for you. I need to cover some of the ground that Chris and I used to cover but don't think I could bear to holiday in the same place we had our holiday home.

I am in the UK also.

Interesting observations, and I never thought that men would feel so isolated - but we are all in this mess together I guess. I traveled a bit for work, and usually centered meetings around breakfast or lunch. But now I go to middle of the road restaurants, and miss really dining. It's just not fun to eat alone.

Women can strike up a conversation about anything - nails , kids, etc. men it seems not so much. I went to college in London for a while, and really enjoyed having a pint at the neighborhood pub, talking about the news of the day. Now being older, it's too weird.

We all need a comfortable place to hang out so we feel a part of life again. I'm still searching for mine - hope you find yours.

Best regards
Vicki

I understand you perfectly. Part of the problem is in these early get out stages we are sad and people misinterpret that as creepy, they are just not used to seeing men alone in those types of situations. Women have it a little easier as they can always go out and do anything with their girlfriends. With the exception of sporting events guys generally dont call up some buddies to go get dinner or spend a day at the beach. And vacations, there is a major issue. I used to cruise a lot and I would often see two women share a cabin on the ship, I have never seen two men do the same (at least not straight men). Its just something we dont do.

For me I would often go and do things with my (grown) sons, which was nice. I also had a couple of women friends that were widowed like me and really nice company. In the end I finally got comfortable going out and doing things alone (with a smile).

Best of luck.

-Pete-