Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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MJ46 02/17/2013

One of the things that impresses me as I read these discussions is the open ended variable nature of grieving. My dental career has always involved diagnosis, treatment, and done. I preferred home projects or farm projects that I could hit intensely for a period of time, and then check them off as complete. Satisfaction came from hard work followed by a completed task. I am a pilot, but I never wanted to build an airplane from a kit because the project would sit uncompleted for years. I just don't like things I can't finish within a week or two and move on to something else.

But now I am involved in this healing project with no timetable and no definite end. This not how I am used to getting things done, and my old habits don't apply here. I wonder if this is common to other men types? I know some people can build something or take on a project that takes many years to complete and not feel compelled to push to completion, but that is not me.

violet1213 02/17/2013

MJ46, maybe it's a guy thing maybe not, my husband always had a project he started and finished and that's what I have been used to for the last 30 years, so I know how you feel. I hate the idea that I have to work my way through this grief. I wish someone would just tell me .... Ok today, a, b and c. Tomorrow d,e,and f, etc. And I wish there was an end in sight. All I here is there is not an end in sight, it's on going and it will never be complete. So I guess that means in 3 months I may feel one way in 1 years another and in 5 or 10 still another. I hear what you are saying , I don't like not having an end to grief.

deleted_user 02/17/2013

I hear you, MJ. Although I'm not a man...I cannot bear to think that my journey must be open-ended pain and emptiness. I don't have that many good years left and I don't want to spend them feeling the way I feel right now.

deleted_user 02/17/2013

That's why this grief journey is so personal. With me it wasn't the time involved in the execution of a project as long as I had a clear plan. With this there is no clear plan, so I'm fumbling around, unsure of myself for the first time in 32 years.

MJ46 02/17/2013

Thanks for the replys, it is disturbing not to have a plan or definite ways to judge progress.
Maxine, I am 66 and I sure understand the part about having limited years for starting over. Even if you wanted, there simply is not enough time to build a relationship like the one you lost. For us older folk the term" love of your life" is especially appropriate because there simply is not enough time to build a relationship like the one you lost even if you wanted to. Whatever is to come will be much different and who knows how satisfying or meaningful. That's the big question.

deleted_user 02/17/2013

I am 68...married 45 yrs...but my husband and I were together 50 yrs. We worked together, played together...were "us"...though always our own persons. We LIKED each other...through ups and downs always could make each other laugh. We had fun.

He didn't let Life get him down...and I KNOW he would be very disappointed if I just wallow in misery now. He would want me to ENJOY the gift of being alive.

deleted_user 02/17/2013

I would like to think we are never to old for companionship IF that is what we want. When my husband grandparents were both in the same nursing home, same room. When the nurse came in one morning they were in the same bed, had slept together that night. However for years before they went into the home they slept in seperate rooms. It was not about sex, but about being close and companionship at that point in thier lives, the nursing home moved their beds closer together after that so they would be more comfortable and no chance of either of them being injured.

deleted_user 02/19/2013

Just started browsing through old posts since I had not been on the site for a few weeks. I think it is interesting to hear a man's perspetive on grieving. I too have come to the conclusion that there is no way I would or could or would want to have the level of intimacy I had with my husband of 20 years (2ne marriages for both of us). I do not however think companionship is possible -maybe? Who knows - I was a school administrator and the school year had a start and end so I can relate to the frustration of the open ended greiving process. I have been widowed 15 months and I want to assure you MJ that things get better and the intensity of grief subsides.

Shrn 02/19/2013

From a 66 year old engaged to a 66 year old I can tell you we (and you) are NOT too old to find love and build a relationship. I lost my husband of a forty year marriage in 2007. We started dating in high school. My now guy was married thirty eight years and lost his wife too.

Is it the same as when we were in our twenties and thirties? No, but it is good. Our life experiences makes us better, not worse. There is time in your sixties, seventies, and forever. Love doesn't expire, it grows and the flowers are as fragrant now as they ever were. Sharon

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