You sound more positive than maybe you realize? I understand the sometimes hopelessness you have and the fears as well. I too am searching for my new identity but the comments that you made are something to hang on to...1) that you've come out of the fog feeling like the old "you", 2) the cup is half full and you see some of your blessings, 3) you have family and friends, 4) your feeling that everything will be ok, 5) you're saying don't give up. I think our sadness is so overwhelming sometimes that it's hard to see that anything else could possibly matter. When we do see it, it's in hind-sight and even then missing our mate is so painful. But when there is a bright spark, Hold On!!! and build on that. I keep trying that too, writing things down, walking outside, praying and reading books about "being a widow" and of course reading on DS. I hope you find comfort with even 1 thing here as maybe you can build on that. I truly understand your pain and my heart goes out to you. Blessings to you and I will pray for you.

I walk in my house and just feel totally alone, with no one. I use to be bright, bubbly, interested and focused. I really don't like living alone, but when you own a home, what choice is there? Walk away, sell? Be a dependent on the family? When my husband died, I never thought it would hit me like this. No one does until they are widowed. And the only one that can help me is me. Plus counseling. I don't know where I would be right now without the counseliing.

Hi, I feel the same way my husband passed away on April 6, 2009. I totally agree with. I feel so alone even though the children are still home, it is just not the same. My husband was my friend, lover, father to our children and sounding board and just a great man. I come home from work and granted the children and dog are their but I just feel so empty. I keep blaming myself thinking that maybe their was more that could have been done on that particular day. I am leaning on friends and family but sometimes I feel that they really do not understand, this pain and emptiness.

I too do not look forward to holidays and any other events, I just taking it oneday at a time and trying to be strong for my children.

Please someone help!!!!

I keep thinking of something that Marsha posted, "I'm not the same woman that married him, and I'm not the same woman that buried him." It's hard finding your bearings when your point of reference - your compass - is gone. That's what it's like sometimes, feeling lost and wondering "what do I do now?"

Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can with a very difficult proposition. I think you will find that there is still plenty of you left and you will gradually start to see a purpose again. Concentrate on today - not yesterday, not tomorrow - and try to find even one good thing in each day and savor it. When we're widowed/widowered, we start to forget how to enjoy anything, and it takes practice to get back to being able to do that. As you do it, though, it helps you little by little find yourself and your purpose again.

We all spend a lot of time thinking about the past and worrying about the future. It's natural in our situation. Some of that is helpful and prudent, but too much living in the past and too much fretting about a future that may never materialize can rob us of what goodness still remains here and now. It's baby steps right now, it has to be. It's okay not to have "a plan" right now.

Hang in there, you are making it. Love and Hugs, Martha

Debbie - I stressed myself out even more than I was by thinking of the future, thinking about what I should be doing, just putting a lot of pressure on myself. It's taken a while, but I've let go of a lot of those "should be" feelings, and I believe I'm more at peace with myself by doing so. When these thoughts would overcome me, my mantra was "it's ...day, and I'm only going to think about today". I've gotta say, it took a lot of practice, and some stern talks with myself! If any of could say, I don't want to feel this way, so I'm going to feel differently, we would jump on it. But the truth is it does take time to process our loss. You may not see it, but I agree with Beab that those positives that you described are within you, and any and every little step you take will build on that. Think of this - after 31 years with your husband, is it not natural to feel lost? Hugs, Marsha

Did you hate to go home, and once you got there, feel totally alone, like you had no one? I get anxiety when it is near time to go home. I believe the depression is bad too, but I see the doctor Thursday.

Actually, I admire how very positive, and how far you have come at 5 months. Your strength is an inspiration.

I am at a little over 4 months, and still find each day practically unbearable. I have a good job, health insurance, good friends, but like you, lost my husband of 29 years (we were together for 32 years.) I still cry every day, but keep going because I have no other choice.

Thank you for sharing.
lespreludes

It took me more than four months to stop hating going home. At first I really did, now at least I no longer cry the minute I step in.My children didn't want to come home either. now I am getting a little more sleep, too. It seems impossible at first, I know, but somehow some things begin to get a little easier with time. Many hugs from Sil

I don't cry. It takes all my strength just to get through each day. I don't like being alone, I really don't. I don't like living alone either. But what choice do I have? If I give in, then I break down and lose everything. If I keep going, at least I have a chance of recovering back into the normal world. Whatever that is now.

Everything brings fear for me but I muck through. I hate the weekends. You have too much time on your hands and don't know what to do with yourself.

And Marsha, you are right about the shoulds. My counselor and I were just discussing this yesterday. Plus the future. We need to just focus on today only. Shoulds and future put too much pressure and then everything is overwhelming.

I will hit 5 months in 2 days. If anything I think I am more in a fog now, then I was before. I absolutely hate decisions and leaving the house/farm. I know I should be getting more done each day, but right now I really don't care. You sound positive and hopeful. I am trying to take it one day at a time, I think that is all we can do.

I had dinner with friends last night, one widowed at age 50 (8 years ago now). We talked for 4 hours.

I got up this morning and had appointment with doctor at 8. I told him that I look at my home and can't imagine having people look at it to buy, giving up everything I have, and moving in with a relative and now look at what they have and I gave it up because I can't do this? No. I don't want to be a dependent, for if I give up now I will always be a dependent, with no independence, in someone else's home. Will that make me feel any different? No. It will make me worse. I tell myself that people on this earth would die to trade places with me and that makes me feel guilty.

I keep going to counseling, keep doing what is expected to heal, the drive is there. I believe it is God driving me, even though I believe this is going to mentally kill me. But, it hasn't. I've been in that petrified mode before, and I'm still sitting here.

Oh Debbie, I'm so sorry. Never let anyone say that this isn't the worst thing we will ever go through. I was the same. I worked after Don's death and I used to go to my girlfriend's house every night for dinner. She was so kind, inviting me every night. Even coming home after eating was hard. I think we all solve the loneliness in our own way and time. Just know you will get past this by finding what's comfortable for you. Do what you can and pray for help from God. He will comfort you. Sharon

Hi Debbie,
Two years ago I met an old high school friend who said that she still was devastated 7 years after her husband died from a heart attack. Everyone told her to get over it and get on with her life. She said that all she could do was cry but she only felt guilty every time. She asked me what was wrong with her. This was before my husband was diagnosed with the brain tumor. I told her that her feelings were her feelings and whatever she was feeling was right and normal for her. If she felt like crying, she should cry and not feel guilty one bit. I told her that she was still grieving as though she just lost him because she never actually allowed herself her feelings and allowed herself to grieve the loss of half of her...her love, her life, her soul.

I told my husband then that if something ever happened to him, I would not be grieving 7 years later because I would grieve when it happened and not let anyone tell me that I should not cry or try to tell me how I should feel.

Anyway, I learned that time does not heal, grieving heals. You can hold your breath for seven years and you will be right where you are right now. Or you can allow yourself to feel your loss and understand that anyone going through losing the love of their life and so much a part of them would feel exactly the same.

I cried oceans for months, then I cried rivers for months. Now I cry streams. Some day I will cry puddles. It is my way to work through the horrible loss of my husband....the love of my life.

It will get easier over time. Please accept all of your feelings as okay because they all are part of working through such a loss.

If you cannot cry because you do not feel like crying, that is okay. If you cannot cry because you are afraid that once you start you will not start, that means you will just cry those same tears three years, five years, seven years down the road.

The tears are hard, but they are equal to the love that you shared. Huge love equals huge tears.

Sending you soo many hugs and a prayer that you realize that you are all that you ever where. You are still you, only so very sad right now, which is normal. Take one step at a time and hang in there...okay..

-Diana

Diana--

My physician said there are no rules with grief. At the 4 month, 6 month, etc., we can't sit here and say we should be doing or feeling this way right now. I feel extreme sadness and loss, and I don't cry. Why? I stopped analyzing it. The tears will come when they are supposed to, but I can't sit in a corner and make myself cry just because it is what I am supposed to be doing.

I appreciate your insight and everyone's help. This web site is a God send.