Widows & Widowers Support Group

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Death & Dying
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Ashes - Burial

Mgould
Mgould
I found a really nice cemetary very close to my house for my husband's ashes. It seems from the reading on this site that not too many are going this route but I guess our family was never the urn or scattering type.

Right now the ashes are still at the funeral home. (He died in Dec.) So, I figured I would pick them up, bring them over to the cemetary and that would be it. But - that's not it.

The cemetary started talking about the "service". I never heard of this - but, prior to my husband, I hadn't been to a funeral since my father died 18 years ago.

They suggested possibly a minister say a few words - but we were in between churches, my husband worked every Sunday and we don't really have one (except the retired one who married us and spoke at the funeral - and barely remembers us).

So- I'm not sure what to do at our "service". It will only be my 3 kids, mother, and possibly a couple of friends. Has anyone done this or been to one before? After the "service" (short) the cemetary person then places the ashes in the vault (it is outside - nicer and larger than I had expected)and it is closed up. Anyone have ideas on what to do? My son and daughter each wrote a poem I'm thinking could be reread - but not really sure.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have Rob's ashes here with me. I am not going to scatter them either. I will bury them the problem I am having is knowing where. I don't know were I will be. Another issue is that Rob's parents couldn't physically or emotionally handle a funeral right now, his Mom was just taken off chemo. to wait for her own death. I thought I would wait and see were they decided to bury her. I am just not sure but I will bury him and put the headstone for both of us. Takes the burden off the kids. As far as a service I didn't know it was required. I think you could just have a family member read or pray, unless you decide otherwise. I think I will just have readings and then a brunch with a video. Something simple whenever I can get it together. Hug, Donna
deleted_user
deleted_user
Here is a suggestion -- You mentioned that your son and daughter had each written a poem and also mentioned a coule of friends. Perhaps you could read each of the poems and have one of your friends say a prayer and maybe play a song that we special to your husband. I know I went to a service for the father of a friend and that is basically what they did. It was very short, personal and very comforting.

I hope that helps some.

Hugs, Carla
deleted_user
deleted_user
Maybe the cemetery just thought you would want a service. I would do what the others said - just have your family & a few friends & have your children read the poems. That would probably have more meaning than a minister who does not really know you well. CHERI
deleted_user
deleted_user
I personally scattered my husband's ashes where he most loved -- the ocean. It was extremely private, our little dog and myself! I wanted the privacy. We had already gone through a funeral/wake and a mass. I was called a week later to pick up the ashes and I felt I had to lay him to rest as soon as possible. I felt selfish for not letting him be free after suffering so much with the horrific disease that ultimately claimed his life. For me, your dilemma is a little difficult. I think I would just do things as simple as possible, keeping in mind what your husband would have felt the most comfortable in you doing. But, more important, I would do whatever it is that you feel comfortable in doing. I am sure that by now a lot of good-byes have been uttered by you and this one will be difficult. Try to make it as dignified as possible, keeping in mind how difficult it will be for you and your children. You husband is already resting in peace and next to God -- I don't think he needs all the fuss that could naturally be born out of this very difficult mark of passage. Good luck to you and Blessings.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Do whatever your heart tells you to do. Ask your children what they would like. There is no right or wrong. Reading the poems sounds lovely and heartfelt, but again, whatever you want to do is the right thing to do.
Blessings,

Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sherm's ashes are in his urn on his dresser. He initially wanted his ashes spread but in the end decided he wanted them buried in the cemetary where his family has been laid to rest for 3 generations. And they will be next spring. The cemetary will dig the ground and the rest is up to us. Think we will all say our goodbyes in whatever manner we choose at the time. And then we will have a family picnic to celebrate his life as he wished.
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie
My husband was cremated at his request. I had both a viewing and a funeral. We have a single plot for I will be cremated also.

You can have a lovely small service. It doesn't need to be a minister to say a few words. It could be a family member, or close friend of your husband's. Most clergy people are more than happy to participate. It's just finding one you are comfortable with.

Perhaps you can write your own eulogy, and your children may also want to prepare something themselves. If you can't read them, enlist another person to do so. A spray of flowers at the burial site would make a lovely touch. Afterward, you could have dessert and coffee at your home, or everyone could have brunch/lunch together.
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe
Do what your heart tells you. I had a memorial service on the beach 3 months after Joe died. Just a bunch of friends and family. I spoke - a poem and a prayer - I spread some of his ashes in the ocean. Then...I didn't know this beforehand, but friends stepped up and told stories. There was laughter amid the tears. The wind was whipping at about 35 mph and the ocean was fierce - it was perfect. Then a buffet lunch steps away at our favorite restaurant. It was surreal, emotionally draining, but it was ok. It was exactly what he would have wanted. A service is what you want it to be. Hugs, Marsha
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with Marsha, do what you heart tells you. You know what would make it special to you and your family, memorable, and a personal tribute to your husband. My husband was cremated and we had a funeral service with a pastor we had known for years. My son and I designed the double headstone and this meant a lot to us. My good friend lost her husband a few months before mine. He loved his sail boat and she had close friends and family on the sail boat to scatter his ashes and each one spoke. This is just a personal decision. Take care, Sandra
deleted_user
deleted_user
Have the urn on the fireplace mantel. He only said that he wanted to just be scattered in the FL Keys but no specific place so still working that out. Have been looking at markers to have placed as I need to have something to show he was here. Had the funeral home closed casket and church service so wanting to make this more private. Reading poems and just being together in final release is fine if that is what you want. It's what would make you feel comfortable and help you that matters..