I am so sorry to hear the anguish of your post. I know it well. If I had been told that the first part of my grief was actually a passing phase, to where there would be no protection of the fog. I would have chose the fog.
This feeling is the pain of the realizing that this wasn't just a nightmare to wake from. But a reality. So fearing this is very real.

Your heart can't fool your brain anymore, or vise-versa.
He didn't leave by choice, Cancer did the disconnect for him. With you not knowing anything other than his daily love, it will hurt, like new again.
Come here vent the anger and fear of it. At this time I wanted to go to a batting cage and just keep swinging and smashing balls, until my arms gave out. Isolate, so I didn't have to wear the mask of "I'm okay" in front of others.

Strangers were preferable to those that knew me and could see through my mask, "TSK TSK TSK, I thought you were over that by now" When the real hard work starts now. The finding the person in you, he found, when your love was new. Building on that, not the grief.

Get it out so you can feel the love still there, just on a different plane now. All that he loved you for, is still in you. Even if it is hard to see without the love in his eyes reflecting it to you in person. He will now do it from your heart.

Take breaks when you need to, vent when you need to, and post here. Journal so you can sort out the feelings. Looking at them, to find answers to who you are, what you choose to believe of yourself.

Eventually the anger of your loss will move aside leaving the warm feeling of the love you shared. A love he gave easily to you, because of who you are.

Gentle hugs today. Jewells
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Beautifully said, Jewells!!!

I think of us have experienced that the first six months or so we are in shock. People often hit a low after that...one year is a major milestone and then all the first anniversaries are over. I felt the major shift after 2 years although it did get a little easier in that second year.

I am sorry for the pain and the fear you are going through on this terrible journey.

My wife passed a little over six months. The point where I am at now is one of realizing that this is real, and towards acceptance, but acceptance to know she will not be back, not in this life I am living in now. The fear for me grows even more, the fear of a future without my wife. But the reality is I am already living that life without my wife. In the here and now I have so many choices to make, choices I would normally have the encouragement of or guidance from my wife, to know what was the better choice. But I am alone and have to make these choices by myself.

At this time I am choosing to distance myself from all people that have been and continue to be negative. I am keeping those close that are a positive reinforcement.

I am also finding my anxiety is building up more, so I have gone back on medication to help with that, and only take it when the anxiety is very high, too high to handle.

What beautiful words Jewells shared. Take comfort in the progress she has made. You are coming out of the fog and the loss of its denial of the reality of your loss is unbearable. We are here to talk and help you through the rest of your walk through the shadow of death.

I fought to not accept the reality of his death. It was normal and in some way we all do it. Afterall, I wanted it not to be true. It is okay to cry, be afraid, be angry and take time to remember. It is okay to take card of you. For me it was time to remember and be sad. That is very necessary to do. Sharon

My wife passed a little over 6 months ago and I understand what your saying and feeling. In so many ways it doesn't seem possible that its real, yet we know it is. Yet trying to grasp it emotionally has been very difficult for me. Each time I grasp it a little I feel a rush of fear or emptiness rush over me and I let it go again.
Russ

I am deeply sorry for your loss aratliff.

I lost my wonderful husband just over 6 years ago to lung cancer and I still have my moments when I really get down. He died in my arms as I was giving him mouth to mouth and doing cpr.

It will take time and just remember to be gentle with yourself. I found one thing that helped me work through it was to keep a journal of how I felt each and everyday.

Hugs
Petra

I understand exactly what you mean. 6 months seems to be a hurdle. I can tell you it hit me like a ton of bricks. I refused to allow myself to believe it was real up to my 6 month mark. Even after i had to move back to my home state only 3 months later, Every night I would tell myself , if I just try to sleep ill wake up back in our home and realize none of this was real.
One thing that has been comforting, my therapist suggested writing my journal TO him. She said sometimes we don't say out loud all the things we want to say, but if we write it down, they will be there looking over our shoulder. I do this a lot. And there were a few really important things that I feel he helped me with. This was one of them.

One really bad night i wrote to him how most days it just feels like I'm having the worst nightmare imaginable. And that I thought maybe if I just scream loud enough, as loud as I can, he would realize that I'm having a nightmare and reach over to wake me up like he always would when he could tell i had a bad dream. And I would be back in bed next to him and this wouldn't be real.
He must have realizes how bad this was getting because that night I had a very REAL dream that I woke up and we were lying on the couch wathing TV with my head on his chest like we always did. I looked up at him and started to cry tears of joy. I really thought THIS was REAL. I grabbed his face and kissed him and cried , "it wasn't real! Oh my god it wasn't real! It was just a dream!" He grabbed my face back and looked me in the eyes and said, "Baby, it wasnt a dream. But you have to wake up now ok." Then he told me he loved me and lied back and closed his eyes and his face went pail.
I woke up crying, but felt that was not just a dream.

It was a hard realization, but I felt like he helped me.
I still write to him often. I have no doubt our soul mates also help us when they can.
In short, this is a big hurdle and it takes us all down, bit we are all here with you to help you back up and keep pushing til the pain starts to be less.
hug