Hi Laura:
Yep, waiting but for what is the question. I am just about at the 2 year mark.After the first year I was vowing to "live, laugh and love again" and even convinced my buddies I was really feeling postive. Kept busy, went out with friends and really thought I was on the road to a new life. Nope..just like you, waiting for something.

On Feb 14th this year something happened. It would have been Mike's 61st birthday and of course the dreaded hearts and chocolate Hallmark day. Not sure why but I felt like someone pulled me up by the boot straps and told me just to get on with MY life and do something postive. I quit smoking (again) but this time I mean it. I made a hair appt, mani-pedi appt and am changing roles in my job. For some reason I really feel it is a new start and I am not sure why. Maybe another phase but I am happier in myself and not dwelling on the fact that I am alone.
Not sure this helps, not sure I am truly sane anymore but it sure feels better.
Cindy xoo

Four years in March! I moved into an apartment and I like it a lot. I am also 59 and I have been looking for a job for months now but so many younger always applying for the same job it really gets discouraging. I have been picking up odds and ends but I really need to work full time! I also feel unsettled. Like I am waiting for something but I have no idea what! I told my daughter it feels like I need to decide what to do when I grow up only I am old and that makes it harder.

Laura - I vote for "B". All I can say is whatever I thought I could expect - it's different. Emotionally, I mean. I sound like I'm speaking in riddles - ok, here goes again - after the "hard" grieving is done, and by that I mean - the survival mode that was the first year, two years. Now, it's been more of reactive grief - reacting to changes we make in our lives. And each one, each change, brings new feelings. I swear, I don't think there's an end to the spectrum of emotions. Some good, some painful. I'll be at 32 months in a couple of days, and, like Cindy, have made some decisions in my mind. Nothing earth shattering, but the thought processes have shifted a little. I'm doing, Laura, but I'm still having that feeling of waiting, inside me. hugs, marsha

yeah - it will be two years in March. I am a very impatient person, and understood the one year'' formula ''- it took me months to get out of my shock. The second year is really bad - not worse, but different. You really have to dig into major issues -I keep saying - let me wait and see - if I need to sell the house - if I want to move, etc. etc. I'm not a procrastinator, so this is hard - I just want to ''solve'' all my worries IMMEDIATELY. My friend says - he always says one day at a time, but I'm a planner and need that plan to feel secure. So far...no action plan - just breath air in, breath air out.

I'm at 20 months. My friends think I should be "healed" by now. But there are still days where I cry easily. I'm still in the same job, same house, same town, but very lonely. I sometimes think about just throwing it all away and starting over somewhere else but that isn't practical. Besides it would have been fun to start over with Rich by my side - but just scary to do it all alone. So I guess I'm just waiting too. Maybe there's a reason I'm still here.
Linda

Still waiting here too. 18 months. Sometimes I still feel like I'm waiting for Scott to come home. Perhaps we are just waiting to feel normal again. Who knows? I just know I'd never choose this "new normal" and would love to find a way to steer it in another direction.

It was 3 yrs. in Dec. and I understand the "waiting" thing. Although I have gone through a lot of the grieving milestones, I think sometimes subconsciously I am waiting for him to come home and my life to be normal again. I know this won't happen but I think it's just part of it. It was difficult for me to learn to live one day at a time and not worry about the future unless I had too, but I'm pretty good at it now. ... and a little saner, lol. Having been a terrible worrier all my life, this is quite an accomplishment for me.

Cindy, your husband and I have the same birthday, Feb. 14, 1950. Our anniversary was the day before so I know how difficult the Valentine's holiday is.

Take care, Sandra

Month 19... Dont know what to do either...waiting...repairs need to be made around our home...but I'm not ready to have some guys out here working on what my husband built. I think about selling my home and moving, but I have been here since I was 20 years old. Our children were raised in this home, our lives were built here...so I will just keep waiting...until God tells me what to do...:)

I think this is the real struggle to reach "acceptance" and I think in some ways it may never happen. I feel like I'm waiting for Cliff's death to be over with - that sounds crazy, doesn't it? How can his being dead be over with? His death has been as huge a factor in my life as his life and our life together was. I am waiting for that not to be the case, for his death not to matter.

It's not rational or logical. It's emotional. There is this nagging feeling of unresolved-ness, of something left undone, incomplete, unfinished. It is the unease of what cannot be changed.

1,200 days ago my life was normal and settled. But ever since then, my life has been filled with transitions and change. I want to feel normal and settled again. I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet.

Good to have you back, Laura.

Love and Hugs, Martha

Thank you, all of you who have answered so far. I guess this is another one of those phases that nobody tells you about; at least it is good to know I'm not alone with this - but so terribly annoying to think any of us have to go through this! I guess subconsciously I have been expecting to feel "normal" again at some point. laurabp

I can relate to all of these postings. I will be at 19 months next week -- I keep writing on my profile -- "challenged to find my purpose --learning to live with the grief". This past weekend my Mom told me that she was surprised at how "well I was doing". Little does she and everyone else know. I don't know their meaning of "doing well" -- if it means getting up each and every day, going to work and walking through life like I am an observor of my life -- well I guess I am "doing well". If its true living -- the life I had with my beloved John -- we'll I am far from "doing well". I often feel like I am going through the motions of life rather than living life. Like I say, I am learning to live with the unbelievable loss of the love of my life. May we all be blessed during this difficult journey. Love, Jude

Sometimes I think I need to move into an apartment bldg. for 55 and over. I'm certainly not happy in this house that I've shared with my husband. At least I would have other people around to talk to.