Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hi All,
I have survived another big anniversary. It would have been our 40th wedding anniversary - the "Ruby Anniversary." My closest friend here in England is about to celebrate her 60th wedding anniversary - big barbecue, lots of family, friends, etc. I am filled with envy. We go to a craft group together, and this week some of the ladies were talking about their plans for their "big anniversaries" coming up - vacations for two, second honeymoons, etc. I was doing all right I thought, until that point when all I could think was that Cliff and I were supposed to have our big day, too. Mind you, I am one of the youngest members of our craft group, yet only one other lady is widowed and she is 87. I'm 62, widowed at 50. I managed to hide my tears in my sewing, but was so glad to get out of there when the meeting ended.
The truth is, your wedding anniversary will always mean something to you, whether your spouse is still alive or long gone. I would love to have an anniversary go by without me so much as flinching, but in 12 years, that hasn't happened yet. I cry every year. This year being a milestone year - the big 4-0 - I got mad, too. I so envied my older buddies who have no clue what it means to not reach the milestones together.
I am remarried, to a widower, so he understands when I have these totally crappy days and cry. I always feel like a failure somehow, like I should be "over it" by now and not bat an eye over such days. I guess some of it is pure selfishness -- it's not real likely I will ever hit those big milestones, even with being remarried. Maybe I should blame the greeting card companies for really rubbing it in - somewhere in the back of my mind there was the expectation that Cliff and I would be together way more than the 30 years we did have. Now, no big parties for us, no fancy cards, no second honeymoons, and all the rest of it.
It's not fair. It still makes me angry. It still fills me with a ridiculous envy. And I still cry.
I do my best to count my blessings and be grateful for all I have and all I once had. But it will never feel fair. I didn't do anything wrong. Why me/him/us?? I know not to get on the hamster wheel of "why" questions (they do absolutely no good whatsoever), but on rare occasions, they still sneak up on me.
I guess I just needed to get it off my chest, and if you've been bereaved for several years and still get upset and cry on special days, just know you're not alone in that. People die, love doesn't.
May is one of the worst months of the year for me, with multiple anniversaries (both good and very bad) and birthdays. Sorry I haven't been around much. I hope to be back on my feet soon - just one more special day to go. Sign me...
Looking forward to June,
Martha
I like how you you said "People die, love doesn't". The pain and sadness I feel at times serves as a reminder that he was and that he will not be forgotten.
I would not have traded his life, our love for the career I have now but the career I have would not have come my way if he was still here if that makes any sense. On my life journey , he was a very important part and he is greatly missed but I would have never pursued schooling at 49 and would have been content to let that ship go by with him still here.
So in a sense I have found a new purpose /have entered a new phase of my life journey and know that something is planned for the rest of it and that I will discover it as move further along.
Hugs to you who has been such comfort to most of us that you may sometime forget your own pain ...xo
Martha, you are in different position than most of us. We have never had any say in what cards we were dealt; we can only play them out, or walk away, and you chose, like all of us that are still here, to play them out. You've held it together for 12 years and I know you're strong enough to get through this critical time also. Like you, we're all playing the cards we were dealt, and so far you've played yours pretty well.
Hang tough Martha, Best Regards, George.
But that aside, I can tell you that I have found that the key to not being jealous is to NOT compare. If you DO compare yourself to someone else, think of all the women who never found that wonderful man to spend their life with, as we did. Have compassion on them.
I sometimes wish that I was celebrating those big anniversaries with my husband, but then I stop and thank God for all that I have and have had. As I start doing that, the list gets long. It amazes me how much I still have. I am so grateful!
Another thought: is there a way you could celebrate big with your newer husband? Not a 40th anniversary, but maybe you could celebrate your 5th anniversary big. A cruise or a party with friends or whatever. I know it's not quite the same but it's something joyful.
I appreciate your comments very much, especially about comparisons. There is a great quote from President Teddy Roosevelt:
"Comparison is the thief of joy." He had good reason to understand that. Widowered on the same day his mother died, and also became president because his predecessor was assassinated. Yet he remained resolutely positive and did a lot in the time he had. I need to remind myself of that quote. I think I'll put it up on my wall so I don't forget it again.
Love and Thanks,
Martha