Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
A place where people of faith may freely discuss issues of grief from a faith based perspective.
I posted this on the W/W of faith board. I wanted to post it hear also.
Not sure where to start. From the beginning some of you are probably saying. And you would be right.
My wife Linda was called back to heaven unexpectantly in August of 2015. I was devesatated and had no idea what to do or where to turn. Out of desperation I logged on the internet like folks do now days for everything. And I started typing in men surving grief from loosing their wife. Had no idea what would come back. But I browsed thru a couple of sites and then one day I stumbled upon this site. The format was different then and I can't explain in mere words just how much help I recieved from total strangers. It was like love was oozing from the computer. People I didn't know and still have not met in person were caring and crying right along with me. It mattered to them what I was going thru. And there is no way I can ever repay all those here for that help I recieved. Those were the darkest days I have ever lived thru. And it seemed like I would never see any kind of light again. Being a man of faith. Which has become even stronger now. I leaned upon God and acknowledged all things being under His control. And so it went for months. I would log on here and spend hours reading and replying to those going thru the same and on that same dreaded path. There were times if I wasn't on here I felt lost and alone. Then I would come here and there everyone was. Willing to care and offer support and it mattered to them. Because if you are new on this journey, what you have probably already found out. Is that you have developed a desease. I used to call it widow/ widower leprocey. All friends and probably family have stayed away. They are either afraid of what your dealing with or too scared and don't know what to say. Or too busy to be bothered, because it brings something real to them. And that is , one day they could be on this same path and it freightens them. Either way you are alone. There was this saying we used to hear a lot on here. It was, throw out your old address book and buy another one. Once you get thru the intial shock and it finally hits you, it's a matter of learing how to navigate thru each day. You experience what we call grief waves. And they feel exactly like a wave of emotion rolling over you. And all you can do is hold your breath and ride it out. The other you will experience is people around you will want you to hurry up and get back to normal. That ain't happening. Your normal has been destroyed. Now you have to create what we all call, a new normal. A new way of living. A totally new life. And the hardest part to accept, is that you didn't make this choice. It was placed in your life. And you have to figure out, what now. First thing, do not allow anyone, no matter who. To tell you that you have grieved enough. Or you need to just move on and get over it. You don't get over this. You learn to live with it. It is a totally new way of living and thinking. You aren't the same. And you want be. It will get better over time. But you will not be the same. That's not to say you can't be happy again or be content, because you can. But not over night. You have got to allow yourself time and more time and then more time to let yourself heal in your own time. Not on someone elses time clock. And everyone will have a differrent time clock for themselves. So please do not let anyone put their uncomfortable feelings on to you. If they can't handle it, they need to walk away. Your better off than having someone push you when your not ready. Be good to yourself. Do whatever you need that's not self destructive, to heal. This is a wound. Half of you has been removed and it leaves a huge hole in your heart.
I wanted to share a little of my journey in hopes it would help someone who is struggling and having an extremly hard time. In the beginning, I want lie. I was suicidal. I did not want to stay around. If you ever feel that way please get help. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to face as I am sure it is for you to. But as I said, I am a man of faith. I completly let go of everything and let God do His will. I ran to Him and not away from Him. And that has made all the difference. I did a lot of research on Heaven and the after life. I had always tried to understand as much as I could growing up anyway. But never as much as now. And I just stayed in my faith. Some would try to repeat the same ole cliche but I thanked them and continued on my way. If you allow God to guide you He will. And I waited, because there was nothing else I could do. I had to let time do it's thing. And it's been a little over two years now.
Today I still get grief waves. But they are small. So I just stand there and let them roll on by like standing on the shore of a beach. They are familiar so I know now what to expect. I still hurt and feel the pain of missing my late wife. But I try to keep things in perspective. And that is, this wolrd is at best temporary. And it all will end one day. But until that day I know God wants me and you to enjoy life till He calls us home. I still cry. I will never stop crying. But it doesn't mean I can't laugh. Times I feel sad. But I can also feel happy. I miss her terribly. But reliving special memories just brings her that much closer to me. I still get scared and anxious of an uncertain future without her. But I know God has a plan and I trust in Him and my fears are soon gone. And because I learned so much better how to love from my wife. I can love again for God gave me a big enough heart to hold her in and someone new. And that gives me hope for the future. Don't ever give up. You can do this. It will get better with time. So don't push yourself or rush.
I wanted to not only thank those special people who helped me, what seems so long ago now. I wanted to tell all the new ones here who are where, they would rather not be. It will get better. You can get thru this. Right now you can't see it. Neither did I. And even though it can still hurt and you will still grieve, but at a different level. Break down your days. Take it minute by minute if need be. When your ready, take it hour by hour then day by day. Little steps along the way. And take care of you. Eat, drink, get sleep as much as possible. Even though it is hard.
I do pray every night for all of you. Those who I know from here. And those I don't know yet on here. But I pray for all those who have lost a loved one. And a special prayer for those who have lost their other half. You know the Bible tells us that when we marry. We are made one flesh. At no time did I ever realize how much, till half of me was gone.
Peace to you all, Tim
