Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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rw18 12/11/2013

Sorry everyone but I just need to rant. one of my friends has been messaging me today saying how she hasn't seen me or spoke to me in ages and saying she is home this weekend so we should catch up. I agreed to do something on saturday and she just said oh good I have so much to fill you in on, i have serious boy issues! Seriously??? I know I probably should be there for her like I used to be to listen to her moan about her silly boy issues but I just can't be doing with it. I mean all she'll do is moan about how rubbish men are like she always does. I used to get annoyed with it when my boyfriend was here, she'd expect me to rant back about how rubbish a boyfriend he was but he wasn't, he was perfect. my head is a total mess at the moment with christmas and everything coming up and all I keep thinking about is him and how much i want him back. I can't listen to her moan on about her problems, I know I'm just being really selfish but i can't, Am I just a horrible person for wanting to find someway out of this?

Truhal 12/11/2013

You're not a horrible person. Your eyes have just been opened to what's really important in life. This happens after a major life change like the one we've experienced. You start to see things in a different light.

Your friend, however, is not there. She's like an innocent baby who thinks the most important thing is getting a rattle. It'll be hard, if not impossible for your friend to see life the way you see it.
Like explaining computers to a cave man. With that said, I would be honest with her. Tell her that you'd love to get together, but would prefer to do it at a different time. Tell her you're still trying to adjust to your new life and would not be very good company at this time.

When you're up to seeing her, I'd invite her to a movie(dinner theater type) where she can't talk on and on. You could always say you have an appointment afterwards.

By the way, I have a friend just like her.

nowjustme 12/11/2013

Your not being selfish. You need to tell her you are still grieving and don't want to hear it right now. Or, you could always say you wish you had someone to gripe about. Now I keep telling people to appreciate what they do have because one day it may be gone.
Hugs,
JoAnn

asarivg12 12/11/2013

I like Truhal's answer. She has better suggestions than I would give ( guess that is because I'm a dude ).

But, I have avoided people who are going to suck the energy out of a room. We all have them in our lives. You have to conserve all your energy to handle your own situation, so its really a survival thing that you avoid people who are going to make you feel bad, or drain your energy when dealing with them.

If you are looking for a pass, then I think you qualify for the leave-me-the-heck-alone pass. Its good for avoiding all people who wear you out....

Bob

Shrn 12/11/2013

sandeestttn 12/11/2013

My vote here... no, are not horrible!!!!

barbarame 12/11/2013

Now more than ever you need to avoid negative folk. You can even be truthful and tell her nicely what you have just told us. Maybe plan to do lunch and keep the conversation light and very general. (I think men are lovely!)(((HUGS)))

jewells1 12/11/2013

Send her a message" I am so looking forward to our visit, which I am sure you are too. Given your boy issues and my loss of my life partner issue, it will be fun to have an issue free visit. How about a game of pool?"

rw18 12/11/2013

Thank you for all the replies,. I'm planning on seeing how I feel on Saturday and if I am up to it I am going to suggest going the cinema, at least then we don't have too talk much. if she does decide she wants to bring it up I like your suggestion jewells, issue free talk only

BrokenGeo 12/11/2013

rw18, like everyone else has said no you are not a horrible person. Your friend hasn't walked in our shoes yet. Do as you have said in your last post and just remember she just doesn't know.

Best Regards, George

SmittyJones 12/12/2013

If this thought makes you a horrible person, then you have company because I'm right there with you. Many times I have heard women fuss about their husbands, etc. and I think "At least you've got him here to fuss about. Just be thankful you still have him". But, I bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut although I don't want to.

Scouserboots 12/12/2013

I would recommend you don't get together with this friend, you don't need to be around that.

NutritionMagician 12/12/2013

Nope! not horrible at all. I feel annoyed towards people who think they have huge problems. Not that I want to feel sorry for myself, but I feel like there are so many little things that people get upset by and I find myself very impatient when people do complain about things such as that. If you don't want to go, don't go if it will just make up annoyed. Now is the time in your life to be selfish and take care and do what is best for you, whatever that may be.

Livingbyfaith 12/12/2013

I had several people do the same thing to me, I tell them I did everything I could to keep my husband caring for him thru cancer and would give anything to get him back. Sorry. They are the horrible ones for not thinking lol.

barbarame 12/12/2013

You know, as a medical person it is thought that I am passionate about every ache and twinge, and bowel movements must be riviting to me. I have given up trying to be straight with these people now, and just let it wash over me. Nobody knows where their heart is, never mind how it can feel to be torn to shreads. I just keep that to myself and murmer.."well it will all be better as soon as you die." IF they hear that it does shut them up.They seldom hear what another has to say, so how can one expect empathy or sensitivity? Even here on DS you often get folk who eagarly attach their own tale to your post without realising that this is about YOU and how you feel. Ah well, none so queer as folk!

KittyKai 12/12/2013

You do not need to be with a person right now that sucks all of the energy out of you. If I were you I would tell he the truth about how you feel, that you yourself are grieving and other people's problems are not a priority to you right now. Be honest, but kind. She will be learning something from you.

KK

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