No, you are not being unreasonable. I too am disappointed in my family, my 2 sisters never come by and my mother only comes by once in a blue moon even though they constantly ask me to come to their places. I think your daughter may just need a little more time.

I'm so sorry that she doesn't realize how much you need her. I think our children are accustomed to mom or dad "just handling" whatever situation arises. Her loss is great, and she's only thinking of HER broken heart and HER sadness. Would she go out to lunch with you? Or pick you up for ice cream or whatever? Maybe being away from the house would help.

Don't know if you would be ready for this - what if you made some changes in your living area. I did this for myself a while after my husband's death. I could not BEAR to look at his empty chair - so I donated it and got a new sofa & 2 new chairs for our small den. We spent all our time there, and that chair hit me in the face each time I went in the room. Some people would never do this, and that's fine. Rearranging furniture, new sofa pillows -- anything that makes it a little different from when Dad was there. Perhaps this would help her in some way.

I know you are hurt and lonely. It is very difficult when loved ones let us down during hard times. I hope she will soon realize that you could comfort each other.
Hugs to you - Doye

Oh Bailey, I know just how you feel! My daughter was coming over every Sunday. We would go to church, out to breakfast and then just hang out together. It was very comforting. Recently my son-in-law told my daughter she can't come on Sunday anymore. I am so sad about this. We're trying to come up with a different plan, but so far her work schedule hasn't been such that we could get together during the week. Sundays are so long now. I'm angry too. I think my sil is being mean. His mom is a widow also. He never sees her or calls her even on holidays. He can't understand why Stephanie wants to spend time with me.

Doyle, I had my husband's chair reupholstered in a feminine fabric that I liked. It's still here next to me but somehow a little easier to look at in a different fabric.

You are always entitled to how you feel. Remember one thing, forgiveness is not for her, but for yourself, so you don't hold a grudge or be resentful. Your husband would be disappointed, not in either of you, but the circumstances that has caused this separation,. She is also grieving, and sometimes seeing you, she sees her daddy too. Just remember grieving for a daughter/son, is much different then ours is. When I lost my mom, I couldnt bear to go to their house, they live iin another state, so the first time I went to visit after my mom died, was horrrific, I could still feel her spirit there. Give your daughter space, and time. It will all reconcile, I promise. She will start to realize, her dad may be gone, but mom is still there for her. Just leave your heart and home open for her. I'm glad your son in law and grand babies are coming to see you. Just know, its just so hard for her right now, not a reflection of disrespect on her part, or Im sure not meant to be taken that way. With love and hugs, and prayers of peace for you... carla

Doye and I are thinking alike. It is not unreasonable, but it may make things easier if you make a few changes - say in the living room where you are likely to spend time with your daughter. One possibility would be to call her and tell her that you know it is hard for her, it is 24/7 hard for you, and ask her to help you make a few changes around the house so it is easier for BOTH of you.

As Doye said, not everyone can or would ever want to make changes. For myself and my sons, I had to make some but had to do it in stages. Some things were too painful for me and my sons to look at every day, so I bought a pretty tapestry box for all those things for safekeeping. It's the "Dad Box" and I still have it. His glasses, his wallet and watch, his goofy knick-knacks, guitar picks, etc., are all in there along with love letters and cards, his poetry - things I knew we would want but were just too painful to look at everyday in the beginning.

I didn't get any decent sleep until I redid my bedroom. My boss was actually the one who took me out, God love her, to help me find the new linens and such to make "our room" into "my room." That gave me a room that was a respite instead of a reminder. I changed out all the linens, the lamps, the artwork. Cliff died in our bed, and leaving it as it was just encouraged me to relive that horror everyday.

I think we are so accustomed to seeing our loved ones in certain places that even unconsciously at times we expect them to be there, and it is a jarring experience not to find them there. I expected to see Cliff in "our landscape" so to speak, so changing a few things made a big difference in my anxiety levels and my sons' as well.

I helped my Mom through her grief, even as I was dealing with mine when my Dad died. It wasn't an easy job, and I wished my siblings - I have 5 siblings - had done more to help on that front. My Dad and I were real close, and I helped Mom care for him as he was dying. I can tell you that losing my Dad completely changed the dynamics in the whole family. He was the glue that kept us together. There are still resentments among some of the siblings for events during that time, and Dad has been gone for 32 years now. My advice to you is to be direct but loving with your daughter, and to give her the freedom to be direct and loving with you. You cannot heal each other's grief, but you can help each other through it.

That's my two cents worth.... I hope it helps in some way...

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I am told I am being unreasonable also. For years, we had New Years Eve, at my sons home, playing games until midnight. 3 years ago, we didn't go because my husband was to sick. This year, I wasn't invited, but the rest of the family was. So I sat alone, me and my dog, then my son told me about it the day after, They went out of their way for my husband. But never include me in anything. They also do things for my daughter-in-laws family. I have just been pushed aside... As usual... No one would miss me, if I disappeared. Sandee

Sandee, I would miss you.... Dont let it make you miserable, it's not you, really... it may just be them. Sometimes, out of sight out of mind. For some people reminders are more painful than that thing that was a possession that was a painful reminder. Time is on your side. much love and big hugs carla

You are allowed to feel whatever way you want, sad, mad, disappointed, disinterested, unreasonable and resentful, because your long-time spouse only passed away in August. Just don't burn bridges, because feelings do change. With my children the in-laws were their rock during most of the first 2 years. Seldom did they darken the door of the home in which they grew up. You'd have thought those people were the ones who actually gave birth to them, while I was just the nanny who happened to be around as they grew up. Now that I am going into year three, all they do is complain about their spouses and in-laws. I don't want to hear that! I need my peace!

No, you are not being unreasonable. I was shocked by how some people dealt with the loss of my husband. My son and I became closer, my daughter has barely spoken to me about her dad. If I were you, I would just keep reaching out to her, call her and leave a message that you are thinking about her, send her a text or email just saying you are thinking about her. It sounds like facing your grief is too much for her right now. I hope she can be a support to you soon.

If the furniture or the belongings makes you happy don't change for your daughter. If you daughter can't cope with it right now -she doesn't have to live there ,you do. Try talking with your daughter and see what is upsetting her. I am currently going to therapy. I have an only child ,my daughter. She is graduating high school in may and its even hard being in the same house because we don't talk much because we don't see each other much because of our work schedules and school and she has bf. She went with my too one of my therapy sessions 2 weeks ago and therapist ask us to spend more time together. My daughter is having some regrets for not having spent enough time with her dad over the past year before he died. The therapist told her you didn't know your dad was gonna die unexpectedly. She told my daughter don't let her live in regret only change the way you spend time in the now and future.

As far as your daughter. She needs to grieve in her own space/time but you need to tell her that her not coming to the house is hurting you. From the sounds of it ,was she pretty close with her dad?

My therapist recommends people to grieve the sooner the better because it can cause problems later on if you don't. Her not wanting to come to the home where her parents lived together may be hard but you are still alive and hurting. Yall need to talk about it.

My heart goes out to you and totally understand. I've just passed week seven since my husband passed away Nov. 14th. I live in Ohio and have dear friends and his famly around me when I do need it. However, I'm from Oregon and my parents have been great as they can be with the distance of 2800 miles. My sister is great but at the same time I'm the one that usually has to call her. My brother on the other hand - okay we're not the closet family on the planet. But, I haven't received a call or card or not even a sorry on FB. Granted he's on the road alot but still no excuse - it takes five minutes to call or drop a card. My mother is trying to play devil's advocate and I love her for it. But, still even if he is asking how I'm doing through her, it still hurts. She said at Thanksgiving if he'd called or sent a card to me. He looked at his ex-wife and now girlfriend again and the mother of my two nieces if she'd gotten the card out. She shook her head. She works in the meat section at a supermarket. How hard is it to send a card? She's also on my FB and not once has she posted a comment while I'm bleeding my heart out on it to the less than 240 friends and family I have on it. I even tagged her with David's OBIT so she could see it and show my nieces who loved David. Yet I haven't heard a damn word from her. I told my mother that I love my nieces and I'll be their for them and my brother I can kind of let slide. But, that scank is so totally unforgiven. I forgave her and gave her a 2nd chance when she hurt my brothers years ago. And now this??? There is no excuse and I don't need that negativity. As for your daughter??!! Give her time - granted her pain isn't like yours but respect hers as well. Don't make a rift there that you can't mend later on. Talk to others in a group or your councelor. Ask her to go with you to a meeting. I know in my hospice group this past week, a mother came with her daughter. Granted she's older and driving isn't a good idea. But, it was good for both of them. It's a different pain and I'm sorry to say our's is worse in my oppinion but give her time and keep the door open. YELL HERE! LOL!

Just an update to my whiny rant. Thank you all for your responses. Knowing you all "have my back" made it easier somehow. I did some deep soul searching and made peace in my own heart.
My daughter came over this evening and spent over an hour. I offered to change anything in our home that caused her pain. And she didn't want anything different.
So again, thank you all for the support. DS makes this grief journey easier. Hugs ~ Bailey ~