Oh, Ty, my heart really goes out to you. I am not going to insult you by telling you how you should or should not feel. However, I am a nurse and I AM going to tell you that life as a "vegetable" is a horrible existence. I don't think most people realize just how bad it can be: bedsores, all kinds of respiratory and urinary infections...............I could go on and on. We humans were meant to be upright and active. I don't think anyone would want to live like that. I hope you can find peace with your decision...................personally, I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Sylvia

Hello Ty, You have such a heartbreaking story that you told. I am so, so, sorry for your loss. Not a day goes by for me without tears also. Sometimes we have to make the hardest decisions that are in the best interest of our partner, our love. It is so brave of you to have made that decision. We all second guess ourselves. What if I had gone to the hospital 8 hours earlier, what if we had been back home with a level 1 Trauma Unit? And many others….Just as with you, I will always love Amy.
Blessings, Peace, Healing and Hope for you for today and for all that are hurting… Mark

Unfortunately for him the bedsores had already started, his whole body ached to the slightest touch, they had told me Ifor he stopped breathing and had to perform car it could easily break his ribs. His calcium level had already spiked, way to high...the cancer was spreading to his bones, he had stage 3 kidney disease, sarcoids, rymatoid athritus, gout, thyroid problems...I just felt the cancer was the icing on the nasty cake already. I could see the change in him every day, his beautiful skin complexion had already turned to this ugly almost gray color...so on top of the Rchop chemo, he was taking medicine twice a day already for the pre existing elments he had...I saw him suffer for years...at the 2nd set of chemo the Dr recommended radiation, he declined, but about a month later he said OK I want to do it now, bit the Dr said it was too late the cancer had already spread to fast...bot to mention he was diagnosed in April with stage 4b non Hodgkins lymphoma..Anaplastic large cell...it affected his lower extremities, so he developed lymphadema of the legs...I did my best to keep him comfortable, his legs weighed a ton each, I had to use a bed pan for him at home, he had no control over his body...I had to clean him, feed him, dress him, until the end...I wish he was still here, I would do it all over again

I'm so sorry Ty...I feel your pain. Please know and always remember that you did your best and he tried his hardest...it was just his time, his body was done.
I used to replay those last days over and over in my mind wherever I was throughout the day. Finally I realized that I was keeping myself in a very bad place. You can't change the past and compulsively rethinking each minute can be debilitating.
I know it's horribly lonely and that you tend to go over those last days in your mind way too many times. We've all done that. I pray that you make peace with yourself and realize how much he loved you and I know he knew how much you loved him. He still does!
Eventually you'll learn how to put those awful thoughts aside and relish in the good memories of your love. This unfortunately just takes time. Try your best to get up, get out and get moving. Really and truly, getting fresh air, sunshine and being among people does help.
And as far as him being a vegetable but still here...
No....don't ever wish that on anyone. It would have been tragic for him to exist like that and devastating for you to watch. It's hard enough for you to remember how he was during his last days...it would have been far worse seeing him in a vegetative state.
You made all the right choices Ty. You did.
I wish for strength, courage and peace for you dear lady.
Big warm hugs coming your way
Darcie

Thank you so much Darcie, for I can't get those last days out of my head, and oh, the what ifs, that kills me the most....I am so happy to have found this site, but I am so heartbroken that my love is gone. All the mutual friends that we had, have turned their backs on me, and his son told me to neverify speak to him again, although none of his sons were never there for him, he loved them so much, and they only came to him when they were in need. I'm sure they loved their dad, and I'm sure they are grieving as well, I just feel as if they Blame me for him not being here, and that really hurts, I would reach out to them to come and visit with us and they were always to busy, now that he's gone I'm sure they feel their own type of guilt, and sadness. I really feel as awful for them as I do for myself..

Hey Ty, there's another thing that you have to stop doing, and that's worrying about what other people think of you or how you took care of your husband. You can't control that so just let it go. I know it's hard when you love them but sometimes you just have to cut the strings. My daughter has always been great but my husband's family (him being the oldest of 8 and always being there to help them) all but abandoned us when he was alive and me now...esp the guys. I suppose part of it is my fault because they did say at the funeral if I need anything just ask. But, what do you ask for? How do you know what you need at the funeral? Then when it came time when I did need something, my pride kind of stopped me from asking and I figured I just do it myself. However, there were a few times when I broke down and did ask only to meet with disappointment. When they did reach out a few times and invite me to various events I always declined because deep down I think I carried some resentment. I think the whole problem with me is that in my heart I still resented the fact that when he needed a kidney donor, not one of them stepped up to offer their's. I know it's a lot to ask and we would never have actually asked anyone for that, but just the idea that they would've offered would have been nice and made him feel so much better and comforted. Even when he was diagnosed in needing a kidney, they all disappeared for 4 to 5 months in fear that we might ask them. Well, we never did and never would. That gesture has to come from your heart and you have to know that that's exactly what you want to do for someone. When no one did come around or even offer to help, I know he questioned their love even though he never said that. It was heartbreaking to see the sadness in his eyes due to lack of family. But like you said, whenever they needed something, lo and behold, there they were. And, there he was to help them out yet again.
Hurt runs deep and that's just another hurdle and step we have to learn to deal with and overcome. I'm still working on it but I see myself getting better. The hurt doesn't cut as deep and I've even reached out to them a bit. I'll never forget but I can forgive.
You're right, they are grieving also and I know they feel bad and miss him too. So I keep that in mind when negativity or resentment pops up, I acknowledge it, accept it and then I let it go. It really is the healthy way to walk this path. You can't dwell on the negative you just have to keep taking one step at a time towards the light.
You will be surprised in a year or two to come, when you look back on these first few months, of how much you will have learned and how much you will have changed and grown. It's a hard way to gain strength and courage but somehow you do. Somehow....you will survive.
Take care Ty...
Darcie

Thanks so much Darcie, I will and you take care as well. Big Hugs from far away..I needed to heat that...honestly that's the first time I have heard it since he passed away. .

Ty, Watching our love ones become weaker and then silent is the hardest memory to live with. I understand because I watched it too with my husband. Heck passed at home and I could see that hospital bed for so long I chose to close off our bedroom and move our bed to the living room. My nephew helped me by painting and setting everything up. For months I couldn't go in that empty room. I tell you this because we all have to do what's best for us. I also began very soon after his death writing in a notebook my thoughts and fears as well as sharing smiles as time passes. It helped me feel closer to him.
Being here with people who truly understand what we go through was a lifeline for me. We all struggle with this loss and find the best for us to get through the day and sometimes the moment. Let the tears flow and the emotions be. We can't hide from them. Tender hug for you and know that you are understood. Sharon

Thank you so much Sharon for understanding where I am coming from, and I am so sorry as well for what you have had to go through with watching your husband pass away, it is a thing I wouldn't want to wish on anyone. May God continue to Bless and strengthen you.