Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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nvcowboy2 07/15/2018

Last week in therapy, I said it. I said to my therapist, "I'm afraid to ever love again".

I was married to my beautiful wife for 26 years, I held her in my arms when she died unexpectedly on the bathroom floor.

I was there when they zipped the bag over my dad on his bathroom floor.

I was there performing CPR on my momon the living room floor before the paramedics arrived.

I was there to witness the 3 people I loved most in my life die.

The images are such that when I see or imagine a beautiful girl....and fantisize about being romantically involved with her, my mind takes me back and it is her ....dying on my bathroom floor.

PTSD....the therapist suggested. and yes I have even witnessed a teenage boy crossing the highway and being struck and killed by a white minivan that did not see him in the intense glare of the setting sun. Those images are burned into my brain forever.

The real question I have, Is if I am afraid to ever love again, What is the point in my living? Why should I even go on ? with no love in my life,why should I do that to myself???? If I really loved myself, shouldn't I just end it all?....But wait, If I loved myself that much, wouldn't that mean I'm not afraid to love? If I love myself, should that be the reason to go on living? and if I hated myself, should that not be the reason to torture myself by living? Food for thought, all very confusing.

cliffskat 07/15/2018

My experience with love is that you don't get to choose whether you do love or not - it just happens. I have PTSD from Cliff's death. He died in my arms with me screaming begging him not to leave me. That was followed by me doing CPR waiting for the paramedics who also tried to save him. It was a freak show, and my sons witnessed the whole thing. The 3 of us will never be the same in consequence.

There are a hundred ways to look at the question of loving again, but frankly I think it is a question you need to put aside for right now. It's too soon. You need to work through a bit more before you can really address it. It's good you are in therapy. Give yourself some time with that and stop pressuring yourself to have all the answers right now. You won't have answers for awhile yet.

I never thought I would love again. I never thought I would be loved again. I was wrong on both counts.

Take care of you for right now and put those kinds of questions to one side for now.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Coldbiker 07/16/2018

Many people move though life without being there when someone dies, it changes you, sure has changed me over the years. When my wife died last year in my arms, it was the trifecta plus one for me. mother, father, daughter, wife. I can get in a very dark place when I replay those memories. I am a very spiritual person but not religious. I don’t have a clue what happens after death. Being there at the end, knowing they didn’t die alone or with strangers I have a good warm feeling. In my heart. I’m alone now dealing with serious illness, that sucks no doubt. But I’ll be damned if if I’m going to allow it to snuff out my gift of life before it’s my time.

regwin 07/17/2018

nvcowboy2 Love will come again after you heal from the loss of your wife. You will know when it's time to open your heart. Love will find you. My thoughts are with you for strength and peace. Love and Hugs, Dolores

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