Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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jerseydebbie 11/18/2009

My DH and I lived in a 55+ for 7 years. He passed May 22, which brings me into the 6th month without him. Never lived on my own. Went from parents to married life. We were married 2 months shy of 31 years - together 7 years prior. I am 53, DH passed at 62. In our 55+, everyone is much older, the activities occur during the day. Long-term, there is nothing here for me except my home, which only feels like a house since DH passed. I am 15-20 minutes away from family, friends, church, etc. Our home is paid off, taxes are low, can manage expenses on my salary. However, I am realizing that due the my loss and the loneliness, plus being on my own for first time, it is working against me. Also, community has nothing to offer as far as socialization for me, and I have to always travel to town. Winter weather is coming which brings responsibility for snow removal, driving, etc.

Would be better if I had someone living with me, but my sister-in-law could and not in position to do so. If so, I would be free to explore opportunities outside the community, as she would be there if it entailed overnight stay (due to pets), and vice versa. Also, we would be good medicine for each other since she is grieving also. My DH was her brother.

My family is inviting me to stay with them for as long as it takes for me to heal and decide what I want to do. I fear that if I leave, I may never come back. This brings me back to financial comfort or cutting my throat. I pray that sister-in-law's situation will change, as I am her first call if it does. She lives in Phila., PA and knows she needs to get out due to permanent disabilities.

I can't keep forcing myself back and forth home. The only thing currently bringing me home is my dear cat and the fact that it is my house.

I don't want to be or feel this way, but don't have the effort or finding the coping skills to change the way I currently feel. Any suggestions?

deleted_user 11/18/2009

Hmm, difficult to advise Jerseydebbie. All advice I read says DON'T MAKE ANY MAJOR CHANGES FOR 1-2 YRS AFTER SPOUSAL LOSS INCL RE-MARRIAGE.. I guess the real challenge is to ask yourslef will your "feelings" or emotions alter in the forseeable future. What if God sends you another lovely man in 18mths, would you regret selling the 55plus house? Your loneliness and feelings of abandonment would not be any different where you resided. I feel them in a great neighbourhood. I have a son still with me and a daughter and g'kids only 8 mins away; so that will not change. I advise, get used to being on your own, learn to do stuff to keep you active, join some clubs and stuff to meet new people, and like me (who also never really was single) learn to love who you are. But it's hard, very hard. All the best John

laurabp 11/18/2009

I just moved to a smaller apartment, only 1/2 block away, and I found that rather traumatic, in terms of having to get rid of furniture, and sorting through things, etc. after having lived 32 years in my old apartment. I did not have a choice financially, but now I understand why they tell us not to move unless we have to, for at least the first year or more. With winter coming on, I would think you would be best to just settle in, and take your time about making any decisions until spring. Since you are fairly close to town, maybe you can find some new activities to go to that do not require a partner - a new club, hobby, perhaps? Living alone isn't fun, and it takes a bit of creativity getting used to it, that's for sure. laurabp

deleted_user 11/18/2009

I don't know if anyone can really tell you what the "right" thing is to do. No one can predict the future and we all grieve differently. I can tell you that if I had not still be raising kids I highly doubt I would have stayed in my home after my husband's death. I am 2 years and 2 months post his death and I still struggle to come home here or sleep at night. I don't know that moving would have been better, but this house no longer feels like home to me, even with my kids here. My kids actually agree and we do most family activities now outside our home.

Good luck making your decision.

Tami

deleted_user 11/18/2009

It won't be an easy decision to say the least. My DH has only been gone less than 2 mths. yes it is very loney here. Memories of our life here surrond me everywhere I look. I married young and I know no other life. I will not leave our home, he wouldn't want me to. I quess some might think I'm being a bit silly. But before I do almost anything, I think would he be for this or against it. And everyone is right we all deal differently. The final decision is yours to make, I know it's hard to walk through the door of an empty house. The one thing that I did that has made it a bit easier was to move the furniture around, redecorate a room. It gave me somthing positive to concentrate on, and things felt like mine and not just ours. It helped me.

deleted_user 11/18/2009

Debbie,

John offered great advice about sitting tight for a while. I decided after 15 months that moving from the country to town was a wise move in a lot of ways. Have also found that in others, not so wise.

One thing I would caution you about, since I am much further down the road as a widow than you are at this point: you are young, and odds are that one of these days, you will want to start having a social life again. ( I understand that you cannot conceive of that right now....normal reaction.) Be sure to give this some thought before you committ to having a housemate full time.

Right now, as Laura says, cultivate new activities and new friends. Many towns/cities have very active Singles groups that you might check out. Is there a Y close by that you could join? Regular exercise helps with the stress, and you can make friends there, too.

Good luck, and remember that time is your best friend right now.

Jane

cliffskat 11/18/2009

You say your development is 55+. I wonder if there are others in their 50's/early 60's (close to your age) who have the same concerns/complaints about the activities. Most people are not retiring these days until their late 60's, so I would imagine there might be more folks in your position than you'd think. You could either suggest to your property management company (if you have one) that some activities be organized for the evening, or you could put up a flyer in the community center to invite people to organize your own social group or just to elicit feedback to see if anyone else has the same concerns. You could start with something simple - like a movie night or cards night or something like that.

I think it would be a terrible idea to sell the house at this time. The market has not recovered. I would try to sit tight if you can for another 6 months and try to improve your situation where you are. Also, try redecorating/rearranging some of the rooms - that usually does help. If you absolutely cannot tolerate living there, look into having a property management company rent it out for you if your development allows that. That way, you can still hang onto the house but you would be free to move, and if you decided you wanted to move back you could.

I had to make a lot of decisions during the first year, it's not always possible to put things off for the recommended 1 (or even 2) years. If you can give yourself that extra time in some fashion though, I would take it. Hope this helps. Love and Hugs, Martha

jerseydebbie 11/19/2009

Thank you all for your kind words, suggestions, and experiences. My closest friend who is more like a sister knows me well, my family and my husband. We went to dinner last night. She has a way of asking questions and being able to pull things out of me, or at the least, put them into perspective.

The first step I have taken is inviting family and friends to come visit me. Come to my home. Also have planned a holiday potluck luncheon for the office secretaries in December. Also calling snow removal agencies to get pricing in anticipation of winter, and I have 3 people willing to teach me to drive in it, for I never had to.

Yes, it would be a mistake to walk away from my home. I feel my husband wants me there, as it is a secure, gated community, and I am financially comfortable and don't need to worry.

Another list of topics to talk to my counselor about Monday.

Please keep the help coming. I appreciate and love you all. Debbie

jerseydebbie 11/19/2009

P.S. My best friend gave me advice that I need to focus on what makes me happy and find ways to make the house feel more like home. I realize this is done in baby steps and doesn't happen overnight.

What did you do to help this process?

deleted_user 01/09/2010

I do little things that my husband would not have wanted. I move the furniture around. I am decluttering the house, garage and basement. I plan to paint the walls something other than white. These things don't take away the pain but they do give me satisfaction as I do it myself. I plan it out, do the work myself when possible and then I give my hubby a shout..."I did it honey!"

missulance 01/09/2010

I have been doing things around the house too. I pick one project at a time and stick with it until it is finished then I start with the next. It definately keeps me going. It was very overwhelming in the beginning and felt like I was spinning my wheels but now after I look back on the past 2 years since my husband has been gone I am actually starting to see progress. Like onlyjan said when I am finished I ask my husband what he thinks. This is what has kept me going. I hope it helps even a little.

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