"miserable and cranky", im the milkman of human kindness

my sadness and sorrow is cloaked behind the bravest face youll ever see, this forum is the only place i can come to vent, and i was booted out of here for offending the pompous, pious and religious by using words they never heard in dancing school, at 70 years old, i have never lost a fistfight, or a gunfight but to family and friends my goodwill, generousity and wit are held in high regard

and whats left of my hair is all the same color so nyah, nyah

Where ever you go, is probably better than where you have been or are now. It sounds positive.

thanks, rick

I really don't know nebby. I lost the ability to project the future. Living one day at a time.

For your reading pleasure
https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/this-still-beating-heart

Maybe just poverty of speech!

Or poverty of thought...

Nebby, I still laugh at your comment about the red rope around the fancy bed. On another post, the New Jersey in me got a kick out of your naughty words. They are just words. From one Floridian to another, "It's going to be OK" That's a promise. Dolores

The process of emerging from the chrysalis and spreading your wings can hurt like fucking hell. But still, you will survive the transformation (over and over again) and you will fly."
― Jeanette LeBlanc
I hope we will all fly one day. And today I hope you fly a bit Nebby. You deserve a break from the pain. Even if just for a moment, between the waves of grief.

deb, it feels more like a hermit crab changing shells

The hermit crab analogy is a good one. You have grown this shell around you, but you are growing whether you want to or not, and it's no longer a safe, comfortable place to be.

Recovering, healing, accepting - whatever term you want to use - doesn't happen at a nice easy steady pace. Sometimes it's microscopic changes, while other times the grief falls away in chunks - much like your crab shell. You will feel a bit stronger, but still very raw in places.

That dance Ellen was talking about I also called the Widow's Waltz; two steps forward one step back. Cha-cha sounds more fun. I am reminded of something Cliff and I learned when he got into alcohol recovery (clean and sober 20+ years when he died), which was the fact that you can't "un-know" what you now know. Jean helped you to build not just a marriage, but a life, too, and a lot of that life still exists and is worth living. That's part of her legacy to you, her ongoing, continuing gift to you.

I'd love to be able to say that's all roses and sunshine from here on out, but that's not the case. It does sound as though you're getting to a different and better point in all this. I hope so. Life is meant to be lived, not just endured. We don't want the people we love to just endure the pain; we want them to live and thrive.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

About 3/4 through my second year of widowhood I felt some changes in my psyche and even in my body. I could not describe it in words but I felt a shift in my world. It was just a bit lighter. I found I was a little less sad, a little more myself and could tolerate being alone better. Very slowly I felt some of those feelings continue and felt myself somewhat less engaged in deep grief. I still miss my man every day and sometimes it still strikes me that " are you really gone, really?" The physical aspects of grief are mostly gone, no more deep sighing ( only occasionally) no more heaviness in my chest ( Thankfully) and it is easier for me to navigate in the world on my own. I'm not " healed" don't know if I'll ever be but I am living my life as well as I can. Marybeth

Unfortunately there is no manual for grief. I looked!
Just do watcha gotta do to get through this.
And vent here any time.
(I'm new to this site but already feel like I have found a safe place to let it all out).
I was cracked like a nut and I'm still putting together the pieces. I'm different, but ok. And I don't apologize to anyone about what I need to do to get it together.