Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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shaneslove 08/21/2015

So... the other day, my son was moving the lawnmower out of the garage and asked me how long the "change oil" light had been on.

I didn't even know it had one.

Today, I went to town to get the filter and oil I needed so that my son can change it. (I am pretty sure that this is something my husband would have done at the beginning of the season, but it never occurred to me). My son gave me the information for the filter, and told me the correct oil to get.

The first two places I went to, were out of my filter. The third one had it, and I found the oil....

I did not have any clue how much of it I needed, though.

And that's when I lost it.

Sobbing hysterically in the middle of a rather busy store... with strangers looking at me like I was insane.

Speaking rationally... the oil change is a minor problem. But it represents just how absolutely helpless I am without him. I grabbed an entire case and apparently I have several years worth now. I needed out of that store, though. And I was tempted to leave without the damn oil and just mow until the damn machine exploded. Or fence in the yard and get goats... I could live like the crazy lunatic I feel I am becoming without Shane.

karenmh 08/21/2015

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle, I also have the same problems and want to scream because everything is a constant do and redo, and still looks unprofessional. We have a house that was pulled apart to be renovated and he passed away a few months later and I have major projects to do myself and many that I will have to pay someone to do it. Hang in there you are not alone with a spouse who could do anything and then there are us who are clueless. Best of luck in your endeavors.

Nicker07 08/21/2015

karenmh we had master bathroom tore apart when he left for Colorado, never came back. BUT I hunted around, asked questions at Home Depot, Lowes, found second hand very good condition 2 sink vanity, and redid everything except put new shower and plumbing.
I put in the new tile floor with help of my daughter, stained the floor and top boards, kept the old built in cabinet - stained it, textured the walls, painted and stained the window sill. AND COULD NOT BELIEVE I DID THAT I asked neighbors to help me with plumbing/installing shower...took several asks but they knew I lost him and did get help.

Moral of story you can amaze yourself in what you can do!

KimKos 08/21/2015

I am sorry about the public meltdown..I too have had them..and they suck but sometimes we just cant help it and it needs to come out. I read many of your postings and I am always amazed by your strength and determination to hold things together. I feel an accomplishment just from hacking down bushes and look at all the things that you handle on a day to day basis..that tree cutting..logging thing..I cant even imagine..to me your like Paulette Bunyon.....sending you a very big hug!!

dcheramie 08/21/2015

You are not helpless or a crazy lunatic. At any given moment, I am 2 seconds away from crying, especially true over these last few weeks..

We are under a severe amount of stress. We are all the walking wounded. I've been sitting on my bus heading home for the day when the overwhelming sense of "why..there's nobody there for you" washes over me, and i start to cry on the bus..6"2, 250+ lb built like an nfl lineman grown man..crying on the bus..

yep..you definitely have years worth of lawnmower oil now..that problem has been solved.. Ironically, I also thought about getting goats for my lawn at one point, until i remembered the yard guys my wife used to hire, and re-contacted them..

theres nothing wrong with you for getting upset and crying... Its just another one of these triggers we all have no control over.. cut yourself some slack..your only dealing with one of the hardest things we as human beings are ever faced with, and your still standing.

lonely60 08/22/2015

You are not alone with public outburst. Mine was in the middle of the grocery store in aisle 4. I never did grocery shopping in 38 years, I did everything else with the household chores but not grocery shopping. After Jeanne died I found my self doing grocery shopping ad I felt that Jeanne should be doing this and not me . I realized she was gone and when I didn't now what brand of toilet paper t buy I had a major breakdown in the store. I finally realized that all toilet paper did the same job so I quickly picked up a package and went right to the register to get out of the store.

wendimac 08/22/2015

I'm so sorry that happened...it has happened to me, too...my husband wasn't much better at fixing stuff than I am, except when it came to wiring of electrical appliances...I guess that goes back to the days he was in a band and had to wire and rewire chords for his equipment etc. I am usually able to keep it together in public, but a couple of times I lost it on the bus, once a couple weeks before he passed away and a couple of times afterward...usually when a song comes on the radio that has meaning..like 'Landslide', 'Betterman', or anything by the Eagles...it also happened a couple of times at the pier by the public market as I was overlooking the river thinking...'should I?'...I understand...hope for better days for all of us...

Rainbow27 08/22/2015

Oh my heart is heavy reading how we all have our meltdowns in different stores or places. Just hurts so bad when a trigger happens, and we just bust into tears. First time I took my car to get oil change, I busted out crying because it was all listed under my husband's name. Passing through any men's department is extremely difficult, and I sprint as fast as I can to avoid seeing men's clothes. I still don't go to the supermarket we shopped at every week. Just too many memories. My heart remains broken.

staygolden3 08/22/2015

Certain things and days just get you. The oddest things just remind you of our loss. Certain people who didn't know and I see really get me. I was in the dollar store the other day and a favorite clerk cheerfully asked how hubby was. I looked at her and couldn't speak. When I finally did we were both sobbing. Kind of embarrassing w a line behind you. Just couldn't wait to get out of there.

morninggloryalone 08/22/2015

Oh girl, I am so with you. I know nothing of the thousands of things that need done at the home and in the yard. And I don't have any kids, of any age, to help guide me. I've had multiple melt downs, some in public, some at home, over these needed issues. I am so sorry that this happened to you. You are not a lunatic. If I didn't live in town I swear I'd let the yard become a jungle. So far I've had some help. The help is about to end. Heck, I can't even physically push the huge mower more than 15 minutes. I need all new tires on my car and the thought of going to have this done freaks me out. I'm sure I'll be taken to the cleaners as they say on the price. I imagine my neighbors already think I'm nuts. I am sorry that you sobbed in the store. But you are okay. But by the grace of God all others aren't experiencing just what you did. You are not alone in feeling so helpless. I know that doesn't really help. But you are so not alone. I'm with you. May we somehow gain strength, knowledge, and confidence for our futures. Love and compassion to you!

silverfoxwife 08/22/2015

My riding mower wouldn't start. I had to buy a new power assisted push mower to mower the lawn. Summer was hot so I gave in to hire a gardener for help with the garden. I gave away our horses since I couldn't afford to keep them any longer. Without them, the weeds popped up real quick at the back of the property. I went the natural way (to avoid grass fire) by borrowing sheep and goats from the gardener to graze on the weeds and grass. They broke the fence and went to the neighbor's property to graze. I tried to chase them back to my property. I have never seen they could jump so high and fast to avoid being caught. I called the gardener he came with cowboys to lasso them and took them home. It was hard work and sort of funny to see me in this situation. The neighbor's wife was not happy with me but the husband was very kind and stopped her complaining. We all have difficult situations to deal with, somehow we made it through.

kgray41 08/22/2015

I miss him so much! I was shopping at Walmart one time, to pick up groceries for my clients, and I just saw the little blueberry packs, the ones I used to buy for Bob when we were dieting together. I packed them in his lunch. I thought of him, and fell apart!! Right in the store!! I felt like a nut!! I looked for a private isle in bedding till I got my composer again. This is so hard! You never know what will trigger you!

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