You have to stop beating yourself up over this. You don't have a magic wand to go back and do things differently, but really would you even want to? Yes the rumor was true but going over it over and over again isn't going to help at all in your healing process, IMHO.

The questions will always remain unanswered because she's no longer here to answer them. I do wonder why you married her though since by your words, " ...I loved her but wasn't really happy...she had a lot of demons and a long chronic illness." Something pulled you very close to her to make her your wife and you should continue to embrace/enjoy that, not what she was or people telling you what she was.

I loved my DH and I found out a lot more bad things I thought I already knew before he died. I too was feeling hurt/betrayed/used/abused/angry and everything in between! I let it get to me for a solid month or so but then I had to let it go for the sake of our baby. Continuing to rehash it and be pissed off at him wasn't doing any good for my healing process. At the end of the day we had this little human being that was a part of both of us and all his bad things I put away because the very best good thing is our son!

Go get your STD testing done so that'll give you peace of mind and look into getting into counseling/therapy because dealing with this all alone isn't good.

Thank you for your input and I am sorry you had to go through something like this. I got my results for the normal STDs today they are clear. I am waiting for the tropical decease tests to come back (US Navy got into some odd countries where there are some differences to the risk).

Yes I loved her and still do. There is a civil war going on in my head over that. I would say the good bad balance was OK and as we worked though her issues she got better. She even told me very cleaned up versions of these rumours (as though some one else she knew).

I don't have children or family so I ride this horse very alone.

I am returning to the UK ASAP to get away from this place.

wish you and your family well thank you

WT...I was going to ask how you knew rumour was true but if she told you the story as third person then I guess it was.
I also felt lied to about a number of things when my husband died but I don't even know if he was aware of them. He had strokes, sepsis and was in hospitals for 4 1/2 months. I asked him certain things and he couldn't remember, but they were things he had repeated over and over before he got sicker. I have to get all the answers I can by myself. His family is no help-not trustworthy. I hope you sort through all this and remember " love is strong as death." (Song of Solomon) In the end it's all that matters...

Hi

She told me the stories as she was there as a bystander. The rumours I still don't know who or where they came from. My wife asked my to write her life story as it was a tragic one. She left my her diaries and finally some old mates finally coughed up the conformation.

I had got my self to a god place and ready to move on. When the rumours started I went to to the few I knew would know and yes some with tears in their eyes told me she was dealing, whoring and use porn movies/ She was a real bad ass. But when dod this stop.. As stop a think it did.

All this has kicked be back to day one. I have lived a lie with someone I did not know.

Where do I go to. Where do I off load this anger.

I don't even know if she over me or was using me tat is why i am bad in grief. I mourn for the innocence I once had
I am sure that your husband did not know Sepsis stops the brain getting oxygen.
If he loved you and you know that on your heart then hold onto that cos no one is perfect.
I my case she out my heath a risk without my having the choice.

I know she did it out of a combination a exploitation and desperation. She was in the rough end of organised crime working hand in hand with the US Navy. The Navy needed woman for their crews and hell to the consequences. Her writing tells me they knew she the ships would be in and the numb rod crew and if it was a mixed crew. The bused the women all over to be ready. Her account tell of not event knowing how many she had seen in a session. It is sickening.

My wife was ill and on drugs that messed up her mind, they did not care as long as the meat was there for Uncle Sam's Navy. Ss I said my wife's life was tragic and this lead to mental health issues form childhood. Add booze and drugs to the mix the a very leaver lier pretending to be a mate and here you go.

My sadness comes form her lack of trust in my that a. I could still be there and b I could get her away from this place. I have to admit it would have been push to stay once a whore always a whore seems to be the rule of thumb. I don't mean to speak ill but being a prostitute changed a person beyond repair as said the signs were all there I just did not know them

Thank you for you question and input and hope you get peace of mind

Ok, hope you feel better as time goes on.
Didn't Jesus say there would be prostitutes in the kingdom (penitent ones I think) and other religious-appearing people shut out?
Here are some scriptures on being born again-- Acts 2:38 Acts 22:16 Mark 16:16 Galatians 3:27 Revelation 1:5
God bless you...

Thank you vwidow.

take care

love and light

I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling. Sometimes it's hard to find the positive in the midst of dealing with very difficult news, but there is something in your story that struck me. Your wife did trust you; she trusted you with her emotions and her life. I can only imagine after being in her previous situation, how difficult it must have been to even attempt a relationship with another man. But there was something about you that made her feel safe and loved. If you can, try to view her keeping her background from you as her way to protect your relationship which she cherished. It would have been easier for her to choose a much different path than the choice she made to be your wife. I understand times were not always happy ones, and she was simultaneously building a life with you while trying to deal with the horrible circumstances of her previous life. But I don't think you were used; try and let go of the anger, hold onto the happy memories that you had with her when she was well and happy, and give yourself some time to heal. Don't close your heart for ever because you are obviously a very caring and loving person and you deserve to have another chance at a loving relationship again when you are ready. Good luck on your journey....