I'm with you Robyne. I would like another shot at this to.
The things you wrote here I posted almost the same in my post shell of a man. I to feel so hollow inside. I go thru the motions every day of working paying bills and grocery shopping but for what? Linda isn't here anymore so what is the point.
I also have a strong faith in God and have to ask for forgiveness all the time for seeming ungrateful to Him for bringing me tis far. It's just the weakness of being human I battle with that takes away my hope sometimes.
But I have to keep believing that HE will bring me and all thru this. And there is a plan in place. If I don't hold onto this I will go insane.
Please take care.
Peace, Tim

I don't quite remember the lyrics exactly but in my childhood days my Dad used to play a song that said: When I laugh the whole world's laughing, but when I cry, I cry alone, and the joke's on me....
I too carry on and on the outside I look like I'm coping, but inside I'm dying. Tim you speak of going through the motions...
The doctor said I've got " burnout ". Gee. Ya thangk!
I haven't allowed myself to sit still in close on 9 months because I can't take the THINKING.
So now Doc wants to prescribe happy pills. My brother warned me that when he came off the pills after a good few months, his grief was waiting patiently for him, exactly at the point where he'd left them.
So where do we get relief? What do you do?
I have worked like a demon. Tried to study. Took a holiday. Went on a road trip. Re-arranged the house. Knitted quite a few garments, sewed all the fix-ups that needed attention, nearly replaced the car piece by piece LOL. Taken up Bible study again, returning to my faith. Volunteered to do community work, reaching out to people. Tried to make new friends. Made sure the kids are busy and loved and taken care of.
I am exhausted and still find no relief. And I am so tired. I can't fix this one. I used to enjoy working with Mark because we're both the kind of person that just got on with whatever needed doing. And through all the hardships we faced we just worked through it and it came right.
I am trying to fix this one but I have to admit defeat and it is not in my nature.

It's awful, isn't it? I've come to the realisation after two years, that you just have to walk the walk and talk the talk until you finally get there whatever that means because, we simply have no other choice. I pray that, eventually we will all find some happiness again. Big hugs. Gail xx

Faith, everything you write is me as well. (except for the 3 dogs), otherwise exactly. How would we begin to get through this without God! Friends are very supportive and I have many. But they have busy lives and our nights alone are so quiet. I listen in the night and hear the sounds of air, for heavens sake. Last night I read thru the signs of depression to watch for...nope, not depressed, just SAD. And as "Lost4Heart", I am soooooooo tired from keeping over busy to compensate. Working alot and volunteering all the time and taking classes, doing assignments at midnight, working on my land. Still lonely...and so tired. It's great we have this forum so we find out we are not alone and others do understand (here) and we are not insane, just are caring people. Thank ya'll.

I'm also better dealing with my deep grief alone or with my daughter. I went to a dinner last night honoring certain employees "years of service" at the hospital I work for. I had a nice time sitting with co-workers/friends and I was actually laughing and smiling. Then I thought, are other people who know me strictly by name/face saying, "Isn't that Sue who just lost her husband?" I know I shouldn't care what others think, but my grief is usually done at home when I'm alone, when I should be with him (Dan). Sorry, didn't mean to get off track of your post. I can agree with you on the dogs as they also give me unconditional love even when I'm in a bad mood from my grief.

Always Sue

I have been a widow almost 8 yrs. and all of you seem to be on the path I have walked. There is no perfect solution,, or easy way to feel OK with this new life. T-I-M-E helps - and continuing to do the things you are doing -- relying on your faith, seeing friends, counting blessings. For me - after the 1 yr. anniversary date of Frank's death, I gradually began to feel better emotionally. Being grateful for whatever is positive in life helps, I think.
Hugs to all - Doye

I agree. It is the loneliness that I am finding the most difficult. Many people have asked if I am getting used to being in the house alone. That was never too much of a problem for me. My husband and I often worked opposite shifts, or were out doing our hobbies and so I was often in the house alone. Mornings and nights not as much, so that took some getting used to. But this past weekend, I was working out of town. It was a situation where I absolutely would have travelled and stayed by myself. So physically, nothing was different. But when I stepped into that hotel room, I was overtaken with that feeling of being all alone in the world. I think it was because I otherwise would have phoned my husband to let him know I arrived safely. While, like you, I have amazing support from so many friends and family, it just is not the same. I texted my mom to let her know I was OK, but I would not check in with her the same as with my husband. I have remarked that I could be dead in my house and it would be possible that nobody would notice my absence for a couple of days. I miss having that someone that has your back, is always in your corner, and is looking out for you.

I read a great comment recently (maybe even in this board). I have several people to do something with but I have nobody to do nothing with. That sums it up for me. While busy, I don't feel the same kind of lonely, or can push it aside. In the quiet moments, the loneliness can be profound.

I must say that I am thankful for this community and everyone that contributes. It has very much helped me to feel not quite so lonely.

Peace and love to you all.

I do believe..our faith, rather its in god, other people, ourselves etc...is what keeps us going, different from others who walk in this life without any faith at all in anyone, or anything. old song.. just gotta keep on keepin on... Hopefully at one point, we will all discover what it is we are suppose to be.. in this life, rather its a helper, etc...for now, Im ok, with just trying to push forward the best way I can, thanks to all of you, and your love, insight.. and ideas.. Much love and hugs carla

I fully understand where you are, Robyne.

For the first time in my life, I am on a road without a map
and I do not have the slightest idea of my destination but
I know I am moving in complete darkness in my " journey ".

People talk to me in meetings about my " grief journey "
and I have trouble accepting that reference. They don't
know I privately refer to it internally as " my trip through
Hell ". That's what it is to me. It is a massive rolling and
tumbling ball of pain constantly emitting unexpected
lightening strikes of self-doubt, weariness, tears, fear,
loneliness, more tears, self-inflicted guilt, confusion,
grief triggers and, at times, emotions that are not easy
to identify. On " my trip through Hell ", I have to carry
with me a few fake smiles to meet customers or simply
make it through a checkout line at the supermarket
as I spot her favorite candy or wherever. Always have
to have a fake smile handy just to make it from here to
there in short sprints.

it gets " better " for a hour and then worse for two. It gets
" better " for a day ( or most of a day ) and then worse for
two. Attend grief support groups. It's OK for that 90 minutes
or so. Then it is going " home " ( it is no longer " home ", it
is just a house where I live ) and there it is again.

I mean, life has always been an adventure to me with
unknown or expected twists and turns. But the difference
today is the simple fact I have no destination in mind. In
the past, I had either personal or business goals and
places to go and someone to share all of it with along
the way.

The loneliness. It is not loneliness for people. There are
people everywhere I turn. It is loneliness only for one
person. A person to whom I do not have to explain every
thought as she already knew most of my thoughts. A
person that knew I loved her just by simple touch and
without saying a word. A person that could just glance
at me and immediately know if I was sad, glad, tired or
happy or whatever.

I am reminded of watching a grand movie on a giant
screen with an amazing plot and with beautiful music
and scenery. Everything is going full blast. Then, in a
split second, someone turned it off and it is just a massive
blank screen that is black. No picture. No sound. And no
way to turn it back on again. I am left wondering as to
what would have happened next in the grand movie that
I am now missing and shall never see.

I am repeatedly told I have a " new life " or a " new chapter
in my life " and that sort of thing. But it is a " new life " I did
not want and do not want. It is being forced upon me and I
find myself kicking and screaming all the way as my " new
life " dominates every waking moment.

I have strong faith but I have so, so many questions and it
is likely I shall never have any answers. However, I shall
maintain and strengthen my faith. That is about the only
fuel in my tank, so to speak. Without faith, I would be off
the road in further into the bleak wilderness without hope
of finding my way to anywhere.

One question hits me frequently and I do not anticipate
every receiving a clear answer. How can something so
beautiful end with so much pain ?

Blessings to all -

Darrell

The loneliness for just one person. In a sea of people.

There is such pain BECAUSE it was so beautiful.

And it's gone forever. I had the most absurd thought the other day: he's never going to walk in the mall with me, holding my hand. That's so profound for me.
Yes I look forward to when I see him again. But I am pretty darn sure it ain't gonna be in a mall. And the stupid thing is that we seldom went there. I hate shopping ( he always did the shopping for us) so when we went together it was like a little outing.

The pain. The loneliness. The lost future. The blank map. The hopelessness. The questions. The guilt. The tiredness. The hurt. The wishing.

Robyne,
It amazes me how I (we?) can be so supportive and level headed about our unchosen journey one day and nearly absolutely in despair the next. So many mornings I feel almost frantic, and think I need to write here asking WHY? WHAT? Please help me!, but I don't because I know, it's all been asked and said and comforted a hundred times or more. And still I cannot quite get it. Perhaps because it's nothing that can be rationalized, or even emotionalized...it's bigger than all else and it has a presence all it's own. And that's pretty small making.

All we can do is to keep sharing, and keep falling, and keep prodding each other up and on. Apparently.

Thank you everyone. I have had a tough week- and I miss him. I'd like to schedule a vacation- to go wherever Bernie is- but the tickets are only available at the discretion of the Captain of the cruise line and they are only one way. Apparently the Captain of my desired ship isn't quite ready to give me the ticket. So, here I sit with my desire and passion to be with Bernie in the somewhere else with a sales brochure telling me how wonderful my trip will be... And no clue when I am leaving. My bags are all packed. I can't imagine what the Captain is holding out for.....



It's good to know I am not sitting at the boarding station by myself. It is good to be able to share my anxiety and my longing and my fear and my hopelessness with you all. And on my best days, it is good to share some of my encouragement with you.

I want to be strong- and I feel strong sometimes. And then the wind blows and suddenly I am on my knees again, breath knocked out of me and in this thick dense atmosphere of heavy grief. I almost drown in it.

Thank you for being my life preservers.

Robyne