Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I am 46 years old and have been widowed for 9 months. I have my kids and they keep me focused. I don't cry anymore... i have grief bursts, but i quickly shut them down. i don't want to cry. i don't want to feel sad. So i don't. I know that sounds wrong, and maybe it is. My kids never saw me cry until my wife passed away. and i cried a lot at first, but I don't cry anymore. mostly, i am moving on between work, my kids, my volunteer activities and my friends. but it still hits me out of the blue sometimes - but i simply do the same thing we did with our kids when they were little - i just distract myself by thinking about something else. this itself is probably a whole discussion point and I am happy to have people chime in on my lack of crying. i sometimes feel guilty that i should be sadder and there is something wrong with me.
my real question though is when is it okay to move one. when is it okay to take off my wedding ring. when is it okay to think about dating.
I didn't plan on starting a new relationship, and i haven't. but i met someone through my kids that i like. we chat at our kids activities every week and i really enjoy the conversation. i find myself thinkng about her far too much for someone i barely know. is this a 'normal' thing. is it a way of hiding or am i somehow subconsciously trying to replace my wife? is it possible that i have been lucky twice and just happened into a scenario where i may have found another long term friend??? I feel like i am back in high school all over again.
my real question though is when is it okay to move one. when is it okay to take off my wedding ring. when is it okay to think about dating.
I didn't plan on starting a new relationship, and i haven't. but i met someone through my kids that i like. we chat at our kids activities every week and i really enjoy the conversation. i find myself thinkng about her far too much for someone i barely know. is this a 'normal' thing. is it a way of hiding or am i somehow subconsciously trying to replace my wife? is it possible that i have been lucky twice and just happened into a scenario where i may have found another long term friend??? I feel like i am back in high school all over again.
Good luck. If you've found love a second time and it's right, I'm glad for you.
I lost my husband April 2010. I didn't give dating, much less remarriage, a thought for a year. Then I met someone in June 2011.... long story short, we married in October 2011. We've been married now for almost 1.5 years.
One of God's greatest gifts to us is the ability to love many people at the same time. The love I feel for my 2nd husband has absolutely nothing to do with the love I felt, and still feel, for my 1st husband.
The nicest thing anybody has said to me in a long time was, "What a compliment to Stephen that you married again so quickly! That just shows how happy you were in your 1st marriage that you want to repeat the experience again so quickly."
The best advice I can give is to follow your heart, but don't lose your head!
In time I met a widow and we became friends. We had both been alone over two years and we grieved together for our loss. We also went to dinner together and developed a bond of lasting friendship.
That friendship was a valuable experience for us to build upon to join the living and we separated as our lives took us in our own directions. So you can see where a friendship/relationship can be extremely valuable to move through the emotions of loss.
Your comments of "I have grief bursts, but I quickly shut them down." "I distract myself" and "I don't want to feel sad. So I don't." greatly concern me for a number of reasons. Grief is a process that WILL be dealt with either be choice or it will culimnate on its own to bring you down. That is a fact. Grief will not go away, iy must be dealt with and worked THROUGH at some point. Also, your children have lost their mom. They depend on you to teach them the path to get through their own grief and pain. I don't know how old they are, but at 3 or 23 they look to you for how they can get past their horrible sadness. What is your answer to them?
There is no right way to grieve and no right way to live after loss. Each must find their own answers so I mean no judgement on what you do. You can never replace your wife or their mother so the question must be "How can We get through this loss and build a life again?"
Only you know the answer to that. Hugs to you and sorry for your loss. I hope sharing with us helps you find your answers and gives you caring encouragement as well as support. Sharon
hugs...
-Diana