There is a difference when you lose your spouse to his passing, than in a divorce or baby daddy thing. You are doing great just because you have many adjustments to make, You are dealing with your loss, the children, grandchildren and everything else alone when the plan was to have your back up with you, then finally be sitting in rocking chairs side by side as the the grand children grow. Those others doing it alone by choice still have mistakes, close up, but they were prepared in ways widowers/widows never expected.


Take it easy on you, the grieving makes this all harder.
Gentle hugs,
J.

Mimi....
Mine is the opposite dynamic being I'm the guy and my loss was having a woman in the house (along with the son and a male dog). Its kind of the equivalent to a loss of balance. Our lives evolve with each of us taking on roles and when one side of the scale is gone, we (at least I) feel like we're tipping over. Over these past four months I've felt a loss of confidence with a number of things, mostly at home with those things that Andrea handled. Single parenting, especially under these circumstances, is not easy. But you'll get there. I remind myself all the time that so many have gone through what we're going through and have managed this valley well. Just have the belief in yourself and your skills.....if you were a good parent with Mark, you're still a good parent. That didn't change. Take a breath, and keep moving forward....inch by inch, day by day. You'll get there. And your kids will be there for you...and each other.

Half the team is gone. How can we survive?
One moment at a time we accomplish what we can and take time to just rest our weary body and mind. One moment at a time. Sharon

I understand! John seemed to make wherever we lived "home". I try my best, and the kids and I have good times together...but I still always feel the lack of his presence. Sometimes I don't feel like a family, just like a mom with 2 great sons. I don't know if that make sense. Just having him here or knowing he was on his way here just made things feel better.

Cliff and I had a sort of role-reversal - i.e., he worked from home to look after our sons (they are both on the autism spectrum) while I went to the office everyday. In some ways that made it doubly hard when he died, because he wasn't just their Dad, he was their primary caregiver, protector, spiritual guide, cheerleader, best friend, and hero. That was on top of being the one who could do stuff around the house and knew how to use all the tools, how things worked, etc. Stepping into his shoes suddenly, trying to be both mother and father and handle all the myriad roles he had in our unusual household was overwhelming.

I was not prepared for the many "man-to-man" talks I had to have with my sons. The things you expect a father will explain to boys - sex, relationships, men's health, and all the usual things guys typically pass onto their sons - how to use tools, and all that. It was hard going on several fronts, and I never felt like I was doing an adequate job of it.

The other thing was that people were telling my boys how they needed to be strong and look after me, and they were totally unprepared for that, especially in the midst of their grief. My older son was told that he was now "man of the house," and that scared the you-know-what out of him. The first house crisis came just a few days after the funeral - something was trying to nest in the attic over my room, and we had to go out in the middle of the night, freezing cold, and he was the only one tall enough to go up a ladder with a flashlight and try and figure out what was going on. He told me right then that he was not ready to be "man of the house" and I could see that made him feel guilty and inadequate, too. And all the while, he was going through survivor guilt because he was the one that had to call 911 while I was doing CPR. He felt that he failed his Dad because he couldn't save him. And because of what people had said to my sons, they tried to hide their grief from me, which made it worse for them. It took some doing, lots and lots and lots of talking to get through that.

If you can, get counseling for yourself and for your girls. The dynamics of the household change so radically on top of everything else that everyone needs help coping. My older son had counseling for free from the Employee Assistance Program that I received my free counseling from, and my younger son was a senior in high school at the time, so he received free counseling from the school psychologist and guidance counselor at his high school. If you can, check to see if you have similar resources through your work and the schools.

We can never completely replace our lost spouses. But I want you to know that my sons and I became much closer through our grieving together, and at the end of the day, it is readily apparent that the best of my husband still exists in them, and to an extent in me. We are still his living legacy, and the way my sons deal with each other is also a reflection of the lessons he taught them. I think you may find the same with your girls in the long run.

I am sorry you have to go through this, but I want you to know that you and they will get through this. Honest. And you will find over time that you are all closer, and that your husband would be very proud of all of you.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Being that one parent now trying to be Dad as well as Mom or vice versus creates a lot of changes and creativity .....And I am sure some sad moments as you were not given the choice....Somehow I know everyone does it - AND good prevails over the mishaps....
So as hard as it seems believe whatever you are doing it will come out ok....HUGS


Unfortunately I am in that mood of how do you fix the pressure tank switch? How do you get the hose repair that you just put on to stop leaking I thought I was strong enough to tighten it up? How do you nail the board in by yourself?
And all those man things.....Take care

Part of the team is gone. I have to work twice as hard and have no one to give a hand with my kids. There are days there are just not enough hours and I am pulled in different directions.

Maggie

I know what you are saying. My husband was always the jokester. He was the one our children would go to for advice. I was always like the more serious one. Together we made a good team. I miss all the silly things he said & did. I can only hope I am giving good advice now when my children ask. But I can tell my daughters miss their daddy as much as I miss my husband. I am sure you are doing a great job as a single mother. Believe in your heart that Mark is helping you although you may not realize it. I believe my Tom is helping me the best he can.