Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Some days, I am getting better. I notice now that I can laugh and have not lost my sense of humour and self-confidence
A few days ago, I was invited to dinner party and there I was sitting across an acquaintance who knew my husband had passed away a few months ago. During the course of the meal, she suggested I should have my eyes surgically lifted, telling me it would cheer me up and proposing to give me the name of her surgeon (what a cow!). I did not get offended, I actually found it very funny. People have no idea about what we are going through...
Two days ago, I went to the theatre (I had booked and purchased the ticket myself, so no excuse). I plonked myself on the seat, looked at the stage, the curtain was up, and realised I had seen the very same play, not long ago but in a different theatre. I laughed and thought to myself "you idiot, concentrate next time". At least it proves that my memory is coming back, I knew exactly what was going to happen on stage.
Finally, I had to laugh when a young friend of my youngest daughter commiserated with me on the death of my husband and then proceeded to tell me that soon I will be over the 6 months mark and that then I will have to think about dating. I was rather taken aback by that but I had the spirit to tell her "do you mean I should go clubbing?". She looked horrified and said "no, no, not clubbing at your age, just go online, it is all the rage now, and it does not matter how old you are." I thought that too was very amusing.
A few weeks ago, I would have been upset and even offended by some of these comments which, I am sure, were meant well but now I certainly can see the funny side of it. Improvement!
A few days ago, I was invited to dinner party and there I was sitting across an acquaintance who knew my husband had passed away a few months ago. During the course of the meal, she suggested I should have my eyes surgically lifted, telling me it would cheer me up and proposing to give me the name of her surgeon (what a cow!). I did not get offended, I actually found it very funny. People have no idea about what we are going through...
Two days ago, I went to the theatre (I had booked and purchased the ticket myself, so no excuse). I plonked myself on the seat, looked at the stage, the curtain was up, and realised I had seen the very same play, not long ago but in a different theatre. I laughed and thought to myself "you idiot, concentrate next time". At least it proves that my memory is coming back, I knew exactly what was going to happen on stage.
Finally, I had to laugh when a young friend of my youngest daughter commiserated with me on the death of my husband and then proceeded to tell me that soon I will be over the 6 months mark and that then I will have to think about dating. I was rather taken aback by that but I had the spirit to tell her "do you mean I should go clubbing?". She looked horrified and said "no, no, not clubbing at your age, just go online, it is all the rage now, and it does not matter how old you are." I thought that too was very amusing.
A few weeks ago, I would have been upset and even offended by some of these comments which, I am sure, were meant well but now I certainly can see the funny side of it. Improvement!
I am finding more and more that people who have not lost their spouse/partner, for some reason they think once you reach a certain amount of time you are not going to miss your spouse anymore and you can move on, it is as if you can go out shopping or mail order for a new spouse and be happy again. Sometimes I wonder is this based on what their relationship is like, or is it based on pure ignorance? Perhaps it is also a case of that they really don't know what to say and just come out with insane ramblings that are very offensive, yet they did not mean it to be offensive. I have come across some people I know that will say "I really don't know what to say, there is nothing I can say that will help you", and I find that very honest and respect that. I know they care enough to acknowledge my loss, but I also know they are lost for what to say, which is very understandable.
I know we will always have to come across statements from others that are offensive, but I do try to look at it as ignorance and that they are not trying to be offensive.
Good you are able to see the funny and absurd side of these things! That IS an improvement!
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I got a laugh out of your post too! I was always able to see humor in life. The truth is, I always thought people could say some really stupid things. I remember teachers telling me I would not amount ot anything. I remember my mother in law forbidding us to have a 3rd child. So when people have said some really, lets just say, unhelpful things now, it has sort of rolled off my back.
One of the best "bad" comments happened shortly after the funeral. A "friend" said to me, "just think, Jeff is probably playing guitar with Jimmy Hendrix right now". The only thing I could think of was, "what kind of hell does Jimmy Hendrix have to be in, where he has to play guitar with every other hack axe player that dies!!"
I am glad you are starting to feel more like yourself agian. I know for me, I have started to have moments of my old self, but it is not a straight path. One moment up the next down.
Thanks for making me smile:)
Martha.......proctologist comment was fabulous! I hope I remember
it for comments that I'm sure will be coming my way!
Some of the comments we receive from friends/ family/acquaintances,
because they don't know what to say, are just ridiculous! I think we should all post them somewhere and write a book!
Hold on tight to your sense of humor!!!!!