Widows & Widowers Support Group

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

A fear to die

babochka
babochka

Did anyone experience a fear to die, TOO - after a recent loss of your spouse?


It didn't happen to me personally - but to another widower, my friend. It's been almost 3 years since his wife passed away due to cancer, and he has this paranoia to have to follow her SOON....if he doesn't take good care of himself. For example, he obsessively reads literature on nutrition, exercises, healthy life style, etc. and tries to follow all those books advice. YET every time I call him, it's the same topic: he suffers from insomnia because he thinks a lot, he got a case of sneezing and running nose even though it's a warm and pleasant weather, and maybe he should go see a doctor because he has this itch on his skin, etc. etc.


He is 67 y.o. but looks much younger, still works full-time, is very energetic for his age. Is there something wrong with him? Or is it normal?

denverkim
denverkim
I would say it's probably normal, although it's the exact opposite for me. My husband died almost 18 months ago at age 49 from a very aggressive cancer. It took him in just 20 days from the first symptoms. We hardly had time to process the diagnosis before he died. Ever since, I have thought about my own mortality every single day since and if anything, I look forward to the day and don't fear death at all. What I do fear is suffering and pain before dying. But I know wherever my husband is, he'll be waiting for me and that brings tremendous comfort.

Is your friend willing to talk to someone about his fears? It sounds like they are starting to take a toll on him, and that in itself is the antithesis of self-care. I hope he would be inclined to talk to a professional.

Just my 2 cents.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
I would say your friend has a problem and should talk with someone. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would likely help him to counteract the negative panicky thoughts and paranoia. We all have some trepidation about our mortality as we age, but it sounds like his obsessing about it is interfering with his enjoyment of what time he has left. That together with the fact that he's 3 years past the loss indicates that there is something unfinished in his grieving.

That's just my two cents worth added in, too, for whatever it's worth....

I still wake up sometimes in the middle of the night in a panic, thinking I'm going to die. It takes awhile to talk myself back to calm again. My husband Cliff died of a heart attack in our bed - he woke up gasping for air and that's how I woke up, to find him gasping and he died in my arms. So I am well aware of where my panic comes from - what started it. It doesn't make it any nicer to deal with, but it helps to know some steps to deal with it. CBT would help him.

I think your friend should see his doctor, get the full check-up to put his mind at rest, and get a referral for some CBT so he will know how to handle it himself. Life is meant to be lived, not just endured, nor stressed over our mortality. He doesn't sound like he is able to enjoy his life.

Hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha