Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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exploringgrief 04/01/2018

Every Sunday is special for me. Mary died at 4:25am on Sunday morning. That was twelve weeks ago.

This Sunday is extra special. Easter. I am planning to get to church early. It will be a full house, as everyone shows up on Easter Sunday!

But my real reason for getting there early is to spend extra time with the Lord and Mary. I decided yesterday that I need to talk with her about some things.

I still feel guilt about how I could have been a better caretaker during her illness. I loved her so much but there were times when she would see my frustration of the moment. Now I would do anything to have those moments back. I know she understood. But she shouldn't have had to understand. I need her forgiveness for that.

And then there was the Friday night before her passing. The doctor put her on sedation medicine so that she could sleep peacefully until she passed. He explained what would happen. That she would mostly sleep and, with the use of pain killer, would experience no pain until her body gave out. So that night we began the medicine at 10pm. I sat at her bedside and as I had been doing for many months with other meds, announced that it was time for meds. She couldn't talk very well anymore. She stared at me, pursed her lips, and shook her head "no". I didn't understand what she was trying to tell me. I asked "No? You don't want to take this?" She shook her head and then she pulled her left hand from under the covers and held out four fingers. She was saying "forever". I should have recognized the beauty of that moment. She realized she was probably not going to be able to be awake again....to say goodbye. She was saying goodbye. She was saying "I will love you forever"...something we had talked about for some time since her disease set in. I guess I just didn't accept what was happening. Yes, I heard the doctor's description of the coming days. But I just didn't think it through. So, I don't exactly remember what I said but I know it wasn't the goodbye she deserved and the goodbye I wish so bad now I had with her. I need her forgiveness for that as well.

I hope I can have a Happy Easter. I hope she is with me, loving me, and forgiving me.

raininseattle 04/01/2018

I shred a tear as I saw this. It was so caring and so beautiful. When you are under stress for a period of time with fear boiling underneath, it is hard to think clearly yet alone achieve perfection.

She is, and will be, with you, for the time that you need her.

Mas63 04/01/2018

Hello, i also cried when i read this. like you, i had to medicate my husband during the last night of his cancer fight. It was the hardest think i had to do and because he was younger (48) it took the whole night. His organs had failed and i couldn't bear for him to die suffering. I also did not want to hospitalize him, a decision i'm uncertain about now., He waited for me to leave the room in the am to die. This day, although 19 months ago, will haunt me forever. My only condolence is that he had an actual smile on his face when he passed. My friend, your wife knew how much you loved her. Her final gesture to you was so precious and beautiful Please know that you, like i, showed love and mercy and they know that. Hugs, Michele

Veronica77 04/01/2018

This really touched me too. My mother passed January of 1980 and also had medication her last day. She was 58. I still think about her everyday. ((Hugs))

exploringgrief 04/01/2018

It might be insensitive to say but it helps to know there are others with doubts and uncertainty. I wish so much I had somehow prepared or been coached in a way that would have helped me do that all so much better.

My Easter Day has been both up and down. I had Mary's family over for Easter brunch. Connecting with them is like connecting with Mary. So it feels good. But it also leaves me lonely and empty.

Our Easter service at church was harder than I expected. I got there early and prayed for and to Mary. I asked her for forgiveness for those things I wish I had done better. The Pastor's message was so meaningful...and difficult. He spoke of "letting go". I had never heard the story of Mary Magdelene at the tomb of Jesus in the way he discussed it. He focused on how Jesus told Mary to go tell the others.....to leave him....since he had not yet ascended into heaven. The Pastor spoke of how hard that must have been for Mary but that she needed to let go of him. And she did. For us, he said, we need to focus on letting go of those things in our life that get in our way.....of our guilt, of our grief, .... It made me sad and happy all at the same time.
Wow, I thought my grief was subsiding. Pretty sure I still have some stuff to process.

regwin 04/01/2018

I think many of us feel guilty for different things after our love passes. Mine was a bit different.. We had a great weekend visiting a museum, then dinner at a favorite restaurant. On the second floor there was a gift shop. I said I would go up and browse a while. He chose to sit outdoors on a bench and wait. i got so involved in shopping for Christmas gifts that I didn't consider time going by. I must have taken an hour. He, being his sweet self never seemed to notice. Three days later he had a massive stroke. He died a week later. I remembered back on that weekend and felt so bad for being inconsiderate of his waiting while I shopped. It still bothers me. If I had the chance, I would have not taken as long. The only way I forgive myself is to try to remember the many other nice things that brought him happiness .Hugs, Dolores

cupolatte 04/02/2018

I think guilt is a real part of grief. We no longer have the ability to say "I'm sorry" and wipe the slate clean like we did when they were with us. The beautiful thing is that she is with our Lord and so you know she has forgiven you for everything big or small, real or imagined. How like God to craft just the sermon that you needed to hear. God bless you and comfort you.

red1962 04/03/2018

Don't ? yourself you being the care giver brings your love to whole higher
level and i'm sure your wife loves you that much more for taking such good
care of her.The pain sucks but that pain tells us how much we were inlove.
be strong and take care my friend

FaithNLove64 04/04/2018

I think, based on my own experience and the experiences that have been shared with me- that guilt is a universal part of the grieving process. There is a part of guilt that is useful- it makes us more aware of the preciousness of life and we learn not to take people for granted. We will resolve to do better in our relationships with the people we love in the future.

However, I hope, with time, we all can come to terms with the destructive side of guilt- the side that finds us beating ourselves up and making us feel we aren’t good enough. We did the best we knew at the time- now that we know better, we will do better,

I never had the opportunity to say goodbye either. My husband also had cancer, but we didn’t think it was terminal. Ultimately, we most likely beat the cancer- but his heart couldn’t sustain the damage of the treatment and his heart gave out, unexpectedly, less than a week after his treatment.

I think, maybe, not being unable to say goodbye was a blessing. I don’t know how I could put into words all the things I would have wanted to express. And my verbal inadequacy probably would have been one added thing for which to feel guilt. I, personally, needed nothing else added to that account. So, thank you God, for sparing me that pain.

In the end, after 27 months of reflection, I know Bernie knows my heart. He knows my heart probably better than I. He is my greatest gift from God. He knows that. In that knowledge, “Goodbye” was not necessary. Even “See You Later” didn’t need to be said. We both know.

I have a feeling, as time passes, you will begin to realize the same with Mary. I have a feeling that she thinks forgiveness is not given, because it not warranted. You were a human being being separated for an unknown amount of time from the person you were closest to in the world. You are allowed to feel shock that keeps you from being perfectly articulate and understanding all the time. I hope your heart hears this and believes it.

With My Sympathy,

Robyne

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