Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I was taking a long hard look at the first year after Larry 'left'. (I never refer to the 'd' word, I like to say he simply left...) and I realized that I was numb for the most part...I drank a lot. Lost weight, gained weight....it was a roller coaster mentally and physically. I make no apologies for it...the most horrid emotional time of my life, afterall, I was trying to deal with the loss of my amazing husband and best friend. Recently, I had a dear friend tell me that I was no longer 'invited' to stay in her life because of my 'poor decisions' and that she didn't approve of my life now, and my husband wouldn't either. [ Mind you, she was divorcing and doing things that I would be appalled to admit to anyone...she was a walking humiliation.] I never judged her, tried to be supportive and encouraging to her, because she was there for me. It really upset me and hurt me that she would do this to me...BUT....and this is the most serious of all...I was angry that she had the nerve to judge my first year in such a manner. It's been two years now...and I live in a tiny cottage, have my finances mostly straight, have a new reliable car, and have cut way back on my drinking. I feel strongly that when people you consider friends start to 'judge' you for anything, let alone your decisions during that first year, they no longer belong in your life. I've had a week to really think about how I feel now, about her and the way she hurt me, the way she 'deleted' me from her life. And I've realized that it's not 'me', it's 'her'. I'm simply going to pray for her. I'm still hurt that she lashed at me in this manner, but I think it's better that a negative element has left. I'm trying to move forward, and that's what we all try to do. We need positive influence, not judgement and negativity.
So, to all my 'new' friends...thank you for allowing me to be myself and 'rant' here when I need to. I hope you all have positive people in your life and move towards eliminating the negative!
Peace and love, Amy
So, to all my 'new' friends...thank you for allowing me to be myself and 'rant' here when I need to. I hope you all have positive people in your life and move towards eliminating the negative!
Peace and love, Amy
When you "lose" a spouse (the quotation marks are a separate discussion), like-it-or-not, after that it's about you...because YOU are the one who just got ripped in half. If you had to restart your life missing your arms, legs, eyes, it's not much different; in a single heartbeat, you are suddenly missing half of yourself. Everybody gets to tell you "it'll get better"...when they don't have a clue...then they get to go home to someone they know will be there...and you get to go home to the cold and lonely tomorrows...and you have to find a way to justify each one as they arrive, That's the part they don't get. One thing for sure, this is the kind of thing that will bring out all the people who are all about "I-me-my", weather you knew it before or not. It can be amazing how many people can become somebody that you don't know any more...maybe because you never really did. You are right about your 'new' friends here. All of us have walked this mile, nobody will ever judge you here...and we are all as close as your "send" button.
Blessed Be!
Spike
After my Morey passed my address book changed and changed very quickly. Some people who had always been there for me were suddenly absent and some who were in my life as just "hello and good-bye" friends became deep and abiding friendships.
YOU are the very best judge as to who can stay and who must go.
I don't like anyone to judge me, they don't have permission to do so and I try not to judge other's as well! Although, I do pride myself on being a pretty darn good judge of character.
We're in a mess of emotions anyway.....we don't need people around us who are not going to hug, hold and simply smile at us. I know it sounds so pollyannish but you know what,
I just want you to hold me right now........don't judge or scold me, just hold me!!!!! Can you feel it, my arms are around you right now!!!
I wish you well,
Roz
Can I play 'Arm Chair Psychologist' for a moment?
It's not uncommon for people (her) who are angry and/or dissatisfied with their lives to channel their discomfort toward the next, closest person having a hardship - you. Doing so allows them to avoid dealing with their own issues.
Weak and selfish as it may be, at least it's telling of whether or not they are capable of keeping the good friends close, like you.
Sorry you had to deal with it, but I like your end-decision. There is little to nothing to do. They eventually wake up, grow up or both. Hopefully in time to salvage the friendship.
If not, then... time to move on, right?
Thank you all...that's why I'm so happy to have found this place. I can be honest and no judgement. It's a wonderful thing to be accepted and care for by people who only know me as a someone who has gone through loss...understands my grief. Hugs to all!
Don't sweat it. with friends who sit in judgment of others who needs enemies? My response to folks is walk a mile or less in my shoes then we can talk. The main thing don't worry what someone else thinks just take care of yourself. You have to live with this like the rest of us so do what you need to get thru. But please always keep up front take care of you. Believe me no one else out there will unless they are in the same club. Sounds to me like your getting thru this fine right now even though it's tough.
Peace, Tim