Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I took my three year old to the mall today because we had to get a few things, and my granny came with us. While we were in a store, my little guy got away from us and took off among the clothing. Everyone was helping us to find him and finally an older lady found him hiding in a clothing rack. That was the end of my no crying spell. I fell to my knees with him in my arms and just cried and cried. Oh what a horrible feeling to lose my husband and then not be able to find my son. My heart just dropped. It was awful. I couldn't breathe. The grief came right back. I miss my husband, who was able to get our son to listen, no matter what. The man who was able to console me when the road was rocky. Now he's gone and I have to do this all on my own. I'm terrified of failing. I wish I could just talk to him. I need his reassurance and his love. :( Hugs to all of you.
Written by Catherine Tidd on Friday, March 2, 2012
Just like everyone else in the world, I have good weeks and I have bad ones. This onenot so great: Sick kid, two trips to the ER, fear of going to my mailbox to find the medical bills that I know will be lurking in there at some point soon. To say the least, I have had a somewhat problem-filled week.
There is only one thing that is getting me through it. And that is thinking over and over again, This too shall pass.
I dont know who said it first. I just looked it up on Wikipedia and it turns out that they think it was a Persian. Probably some woman who was on her 12th hour of beating her laundry against a rock, cursing the fact that she still had to get dinner on the table, knowing that her husband was probably back at home, kicking back in some hay and having a beer (did they have beer way back then? Ill have to look it up).
Anyway, Ive found myself saying that over and over again this last week. Actually, Ive found myself saying that over and over again for the last 4 years. And theres a very good reason for that.
Because its true.
There are times when I look back and cannot believe that the things that have happened to me have had anything to do with the life Im living now. It just seems like it happened to a different person. Ive found myself saying to my mother quite often, Can you believe that was me? And shell shake her head in disbelief and reply, I know.
I think back to when my husband died, when I still had a child in a crib, a child who had just gotten out of a crib, and a child who was getting ready to start all-day school for the first time. There should be a word that means overwhelmed times 20 (deliriously astounded?) because thats where I was in my life.
I kept wondering how in the world I would make it through, how I would get to the next day the next week, or the next year. And eventually I realized something very important.
My problems were fluid.
My kids werent always going to be toddlers. They were going to grow up. Those days of not wanting to go anywhere because I didnt have the energy to strap all three of those kids into their five-point harnesses and booster seats, gave way to hopping in the car with all three of them and backing out of the driveway while they all buckle themselves in.
Taking 20 minutes at the end of every meal to clean the floor after three young kids who seemed to have secret trap doors in their mouths that always allowed food to escape and miss napkins and bibs is no longer an issue because I can hand any one of them a broom and say, Clean that mess up. Trying to tie shoes, change a diaper, and kiss a boo-boo all at the same time doesnt happen anymore and has been replaced by potty-trained shoe-tiers who can put their own band-aids on.
Just like my kids, my problems arent going to stay the same either. Theyre going to change, some for the better, some not. I may have some of the same problems tomorrow that I have today, but for the most part, Im either resolving them or theyre resolving themselves. And yes, new issues will come up that will either force me to figure them out or adjust to what theyre bringing to my life.
Life is change. Its shifting, altering, and fluctuating right before us. So are problems. And usually the reason why we cant see that is because the bigger the problem, the more gradual the solution. The problem of losing my husband 4 years ago and dealing with 3 toddlers is not the problem I have now. I dont know exactly when it changedit just did. Gradually. In its own time. On its own schedule.
So when I find myself so overwhelmed in the now, I remind myself that the now is changing all of the time. Tomorrow could look completely different. It could look better, it could look worse. But with every new day that dawns, the possibility of change rises with the sun. And thats worth getting out of bed for.
Oh. And I just looked up when beer was invented. Wikipedia says that it was probably around 9500 B.C. Which means there was a good chance that that Persian womans husband was kicking back with a frosty one while she was working her fingers to the bone. And when that husband woke up the next morning, head aching and stomach churning from the primitive adult beverage he had consumed the night beforeyou want to know what he probably said?
This too shall pass.
Meg- I am constantly amazed at the strength people have when they have no other choice. When giving up isn't an option- people can overcome tremendous obstacles. I have a feeling that you are going to do a fine job of raising your son. It won't be easy. There will be days, like today that are horrid. But you'll find the strength to make it through. When the crisis is done, you'll have all that precious love from your son that will make it all worthwhile.
May You Always Have God's Comfort in Your Tough Times!
There is so much that has happened over the last few months I need to share with my wife but she isn't there when I get home. The worst part is trying to navigate thru the knowledge that she isn't coming back to me on earth ever again.
The first thing my uncle, who lost his wife four years ago, said to me is, you want get over it you'll have to learn how to live with it. And that's what I have been trying to do learn how to live without Lyn here with me to share the daily stuff. My prayer is that we can all someday learn how to live without them with us, physically anyway, and keep moving forward until that day our race is over.
Peace, Tim