Hi Jenny -

I have just passed the 8 month mark since my wife passed.

I went back to work a week after her funeral. Part of it was due
to my business responsibilities but a big part of it was based
upon the fact I didn't know what to do with myself. Co-workers
urged me to take time off and they would cover for me as long
as necessary. However, I could not bear the thought of sitting
at home alone without her almost 24/7.

Still, it was nightmarish in the first couple of months to go to
work and go home and she wasn't there. The challenge then
became to find something to occupy my time each evening. I
has some photos of her enlarged ( so beautiful ) and bought
some large candles and placed them on an extended shelf
near my kitchen table. I began to arrive home and would
light the candles and I began writing in a journal as I thought
of all the positive things that had happened in my life with her
over 30 + years. I recalled many, many small things I had
long forgotten. Many nights, I would write until I could write
no more and would fall into bed mentally exhausted but it
was the only way to make it though the evenings and many
weekends. I am now on my third journal with many, many
tear stained pages but it has helped me to remember her
and to celebrate our life together. I have not yet gone back
and read what I have written but perhaps I shall do so in the
future when I am stronger. I do wish to be certain I don't
forget anything that happened in the life we shared and
treasured together over many years.

The journal project has made it easier for me at work. I have
also learned co-workers kind of began leaving me alone
after the first month or two as they thought I was " moving
forward " with the grief process. I was in deep pain but it was
actually better for me that they left me alone. I learned that
I could pour every emotion into the journals when I got home
and that made the days easier.

Don't know if it helps but thought I would share it with you.

Darrell in Texas

I went back to work after a month. The first day was the hardest, it does get better the more you do it; I guess all the Firsts are extremely hard. I have heard that giving yourself a certain time each day to grieve (say an hour each night) and pouring all your grief into that timeframe helps people get through the day. If you have a breakdown, it is okay and entirely normal, try not to worry about what co-workers or clients think, you need only worry about your own feelings right now. You also might be surprised at how compassionate strangers can be, I know I was. And if they asked what happened, I would tell them.

Fun fact: I had my teeth cleaned in March and both my Dentist and Hygienist asked what happened and were very compassionate after telling them the story and I was not uncomfortable in the least. I have found that talking about the event to be very therapeutic. Hugs, Gary

Definitely give yourself lots of credit for being back at work. It is very hard at first, and I remember feeling just really angry at people at work who had not suffered a loss like mine (just being mad that their lives were still the same and mine had changed completely). But I will say that all of your patients are probably experiencing some losses or sadness that you might know nothing about, so maybe you don't have to be overly positive and social right away. In time if you have a few good friends there, you'll be able to look at work as a good routine that keeps you in balance as you go through all this grief.

I went back to work after one week. I couldn't stand the quiet and memories at home.

How odd that I could place something on the sink and there was no one to move it or his brush wasn't on the sink for me to move or his shoes sticking out from under a chair or the TV wasn't on and me asking him to please turn it down.......there was NOTHING to keep me home except his dog who mournfully laid by his chair.....missing him as much as me!

The folks at work were wonderful but leaving me alone was best for me too. I could get weepy when I would think of my drive home to NO ONE or I could focus on the job at hand to keep my mind from wandering!

I'll be forever grateful for not quitting work the year before and planning to stay home with each other, every day. At least I have some place to go, a place that diverts my inner most loneliness and grief.

Roz

I went back to work after a week, I wasn't ready but my firm needed me to return. It honestly was very very hard for a while. My coworkers have and still continue to be amazing. At some point, it just became easier, like a routine. I cry in my office often, in the beginning I brought my journal to work, I wrote in it when I started crying and told Chad what I was feeling. Now I am strong enough most days to leave it at home and write in it when I lay down. If I feel weak at work I type him an email now. I have a code word with the junior partner I work for, in case I need out of a client meeting or just about anything, not sure if that would help you.

Not unlike Gary, when I went to have my teeth cleaned my hygienist asked about Chad and if we had gotten engaged since I last saw her... She saw the water in my eyes and I told her, she stopped my cleaning and gave me the biggest hug, she truly is the best. So many of your patients have a relationship with you over the years I'm sure they will be there for you, sometimes those unexpected hugs are the best ones, even when they make your eyes leak.

Sometimes when I see someone coming into me for that hug, I want to bob and weave and avoid them. Sometimes I don't want to be touched to be brought out of my dimness and into the light of life with another's touch!

To be in grief is to be in another realm of life. This I'm sure of!

Roz

I took a day off when my husband was dying so I could be with him but other than that, I never missed work. In fact, if I don't know what I would have done without my job. I teach college and a number of my colleagues offered to cover classes/proctor finals for me but I desperately needed the normality of at least one thing in my life that had not changed. I could not deal with kindness, either, So, whenever I sensed someone was going to try to offer me condolences, I would smile and quickly state, "Whatever you do, just don't say nice things to me." It worked beautifully.

My first day back was something I would have taken a beaten in place of. I kept trying to explain to myself why I needed to be there. I initially saw no reason for me to work. I no longer had her. So what's the point. No goals, no motivation, no one at home to talk to after work. Just me so I figured why bother?? Our future plans all gone in an instant.

The one thing I did that first day coming home was I started taking a different route in place of my usual way of going home. I took the long way around and it seemed to help. After eight months now I still don't take the route I used to take and probably never will again. I also take a different route going to work. With that and just time passing by is the only thing that has helped. What I could not change was walking into our empty home and she wasn't there. I still can't get that under control. I am eventually going to move into a different environment.
Please take care and be patient with yourself.
Peace, TIm

When I returned after the funeral I bought some headphones so people wouldn't come up and say I am sorry with their puppy dog eyes. I also hated the death pet also. It's better to journal it helps you get through it to me.