Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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8 months

Mgould
Mgould
When my husband died I was forced to go back to work soon. One problem followed another from losing my job or losing friends and family and house problems. Still, the most difficult time for me was around 6 months - harder than even in the beginning. I don't know why. Perhaps because I was ending the school year and soon was off work - and then the time off to think. Perhaps it just hit me more, who knows. But I found myself crying all the time, yelling over little things and just all around feeling like life was horrible. I felt like I was experiencing the loss of not only my husband but also family and friends.

Now here I am at 8 months - and I have to admit that I feel pretty good. (I have my job back too tho.) Of course I still miss my husband terribly and the thought that I have probably many years left by myself is not a pleasant thought - but - I almost feel like there is something wrong after reading about everyone else who seem to be suffering so.

I'm going on vacation in another week - first "nice" one in many years - and maybe that is having an impact. Maybe in the future I will hit another low point - but - I have been reading sooo much about how much other people here are having such a hard time - some much further along than me - and I have to wonder if anyone else is feeling better too? Or - for people further along - is it like one of those roller coaster effects? Will things be good for a while, then go down again? I think back on all the good times we had. The last several years were not good, but the first were great and I think about what a great guy I married.

If my friends don't call - I don't care anymore - I'll make new friends. My attitude is just so positive that it makes me question why I don't feel worse - and how could I go from such a low point to now in such a short time. So - for those feeling bad - hope this is hopeful to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am at the 16 month point and I still have the occassional roller coaster ride. It doesn't last long though. I made up my mind a while ago that I had to take control of my life and move forward, cause there wasn't anyone else who would do it. And there are some people that would just drag me down. I have found myself re-connecting with some old high school friends who are more supportive than the ones that live right next to me and have been in my life much longer and more recently.

I too have been on several vacations, and I might add that they were wonderful. I attended a 10 mile Run for the Cure in DC last October. Took my kids to Florida for Christmas with family, took a work trip to Albuquerque and just got back from Chicago visiting a few museums.

You need to take the time for yourself and better yourself in your new life. You need to define your life now. Our lives no longer include the word "Wife", so we need to find something to take that spot.
Hugs~ Shauna
Parmela
Parmela
It will be 4 months for me on 8/1. But I have to admit that I started grieving the loss of my husband when he was diagnosed in 6/09, so maybe I'm a little farther along because of that.

Anyway, if you had posted this discussion yesterday, you would have gotten a completely different answer. I hit an all time low yesterday for lots of reasons. But today I feel much better.....and absolutely nothing has changed except how feel.

I think I will continue to have lows, but have every expectation that I will be OK..... even happy someday. I have lost my husband, but I still have so much positive left in my life. Good job, financial stability, family (some good, some not so good), friends (sometimes there, sometimes not) and most importantly, a grandchild coming in January.
Community Leaderacuriousfish
acuriousfish
It's good you are feeling better, please don't feel guilty about that.

If you think about it, you will find more people saying they are feeling bad here..if people are feeling ok they will probably not post here much unless they are specifically giving support.

I hope you continue to feel good.
deleted_user
deleted_user
6 months was bad for me too....aug 1 will be a year...here we go again! he was only 60 yrs old....full of love and happiness. Our grandchildren were just starting to have Grandchildren,that he adored, Taken to soon! I'm Mad as Hell that he was cheated out of this part of his life!...I have to move on, I have no choice....we have no choice.
(((( HUGS )))) Linda
pneylan
pneylan
It is good that you are feeling as you do and hopefully you won't let any guilt stop those feelings. It's over three years now for me since my wife died and I certainly have more good days than bad. In general I feel pretty good most of the time. Overall, the pattern for me has been one of two steps forward and then, at times, a step backwards. Birthdays, anniversaries etc. remain sad times but in general I get on with things on a day-to-day basis without too much thinking about the future. Not many plans these days but that works okay. The raw pain of the early days of grief are gone now and slowly I have learned to live this new life. I don't get angry anymore about "friends" who disappeared. I've moved home and enjoy my new surroundings. I enjoy taking vacations on my own. It's all very different tio how it used to be and I'd give anything to turn the clock back but I know that's not going to happen. It took me quite a while to realize that it was down to me how the rest of my life goes. I try to make the effort to do things, take vacations, keep busy etc. It's not the life i'd planned nor the one I wanted but one thing I learned through my wife's illness and death is that life is so precious and I remind myself that she never had the chance to do some of the things she wanted so I shouldn't simply waste the rest of my life. I know, too, that she would want me to be happy. So life goes on and it's not either happiness or sadness but a mix of both. I enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life much more these days. I still have to fight the guilt sometimes but there is much in life to enjoy. Good luck to you and enjoy your vacation. Patrick
prtlycloudy
prtlycloudy
These replies are great to your post. I myself, have so many ups and downs it's pathetic. It has been 13 months since I lost the love of my life. I think the more we can make ourselves work at a new life, the better we will feel. I notice that when I do have plans and stay busy, it is much easier. LIfe is all about what we make it, right?

I miss my husband so much and still can't believe he is gone, but he wouldn't want to see me this way. I know he would stay busy doing the things he loved to do if I were gone.
I hope you continue to keep feeling this way and enjoy that vacation too!
Kate
deleted_user
deleted_user
Dear Friend I'm so glad you are feeling good with all that you have been going through. How wonderful to plan and take a nice vacation and hope you enjoy. Don't feel guilty for feeling good that is the our goal to start to live life again.
I know the feeling thought kinda sheepish to let your self feel joy again because we know it can turn so fast.
Have a great time and break the bank in Vagas Dave
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am just past 6th mth. mark and the last 2 weeks feel like a acute grief relapse, just crying, staring, unsettled, angry. I am inspired by your post and hopeful that the next month may be better. I have not tried to languish in self pity, it just sweeps over me. I know Rob is gone now and he is not coming back. He would want me to be the strong, responsible woman he loved and knew. I am looking for that person but I think I just have to start being more proactive. Thank you for your hopeful post. Hug, Donna
pathoflife
pathoflife
Marilyn,

I'm so glad for your reprieve, however lengthy or brief, from the sorrow that accompanies us at the beginning of our journey of loss. It's a bit startling when after emerging from the fog of our grief we catch the sound of hearty laughter and realize the source was us! Unfortunately, we sometimes feel guilt or assume that the other shoe will drop in due time. It's like a breath of fresh air when we feel the weight of misery lifted and can see that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope you and your family will have a first-rate vacation, enjoying the renewal of a cheerful spirit. Seize the day! Have a blast for the rest of us. TJ
janalM
janalM
There are no rules in grief. We all do it differently and time is not a factor. Some of us will adapt quicker and some of us won't. Its a individual as our fingerprints. I am so glad for you that you are having a better time of it. Good for you. I hope that you have a heck of a vacation and have lots of stories to relate back to us. Have a great week end Jane
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm glad your taking a vacation. On the spur of the moment last Saturday, I dicided to take one and get away (I'm) at four months). I'm on vacation for another week with my daughter, and you know what? It's the best thing that I have done so far. I can't tell you how great it is to get away. It really puts a new perspective on things.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so happy for u that u have found u'r way out of the muddle...I am still in the huddle...my husband left me in a blessed place...I have severe memory loss and don't think I could get a job for that reason...I am practicing for death because all I do is sleep...LOL... I get up and look around have a bit to eat and figure why am I awake I have no purpose...Yes I have grand kids and believe me my kids makes sure I am with them but I just a soon sleep...I have got to go do a bit of shopping...OH God... do I have to...LOL...I have a schizophrenic son who is the hosp. right now and he wants me to go get him some toys to play with...He is 34...I don't want to go... I am hoping that while I am in this cacoon I will one day come out of it and become a beautiful butterfly...So there is hope...by the way I don't know if any one knows my husband passed 4/20/10 of Prostate Cancer...God be with us all...OH I am sorry if this was not possitive but it is real...And It has only been 3 months for me...But I seek Hope...I know one day I will get through this and that is the possitive part...Is this ok...
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