I know that exactly. As if people are saying its time for you to get on now, we're tired of listening to your sob story.

But then I look at the widowed older ladies at church and I think they look like droopy sad flowers and I imagine that this is probably how I look or come across and others don't have to be around it. It is their choice.

But to hide my pain to please others? Go to hell!

Can't answer you on this, because I just don't know myself. Anyone have advice? I'm all ears.

this can be one of the very worst aspects of our pain.
realizing we are losing social connections & belonging.
as if it's not hard enough losing our other half.

so sorry.
Barbara.

The average person cannot deal with another's pain. That's the basic lesson I got when I lost Cliff. After a couple of months, the number of people that thought I should be over it went up astronomically. He was my other half for 30 years; there was no way I was going to be over it after a couple of months. Some people avoided me, others would wince if I so much as mentioned Cliff's name. I learned pretty quickly who were my genuine support and who should be best avoided.

There is an old saying on this board that "grief rewrites your address book." It rewrote mine completely. Friends, colleagues, and even family wound up dropping from those address book pages. That was hard - very hard.

The silver lining in all that was that all those false friends disappearing made room for the genuinely good and interesting people that stepped up and helped, supported, cajoled, and comforted. Weirdly, the friends I made who never knew Cliff or only barely knew him were the ones that came through for me. As far as my work colleagues, it was the most unlikely and unexpected ones that came through - including my boss who was nicknamed "The Dragon Lady" and her colleague who was known to be offensive without even trying - even they came through for me. The people I thought would be my heroes all turned out to be cowards, and the ones with villainous reputations were so kind and humane to me and to my boys. The whole world seemed to be upside-down and wrongside-out....

Another hard lesson was the realization that you cannot expect other people to ease your pain or make you feel better - basically, that is up to you. The problem is that when you have leaned on someone else and they have leaned on you as well for umpteen years, finding your way by yourself is foreign territory and very scary and daunting.

I did my best to make myself stronger by reading books about the grieving process, taking care of myself physically (vitamins, healthy meals, extra water, exercise), seeing a therapist for grief counseling, journaling both here electronically and in a paper journal, balancing as best I could alone time to cry and think with time out in the world with others, and when all else failed, falling back on sheer stubbornness. I had people depending on me, and I knew Cliff would not have wanted his legacy to be that his death destroyed me. I am as much a product of his handiwork as anything else (my own, my parents, etc.), but it would not have honored him in any way if I just gave up. Plus our sons were relying very heavily on me - Cliff's death demolished all 3 of us.

And of course I came here to this group a lot. Here I did not have to mince words or hide my feelings or feel like a loser because I was still grieving. Grief is the sane response to losing someone you love. People may try to make you feel otherwise, but you aren't crazy.

You will make it through this, it won't be easy, but you will. Don't give up. You're not alone.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I agree with Martha. A very important lesson in my own healing is to learn to stand up for myself. I realized that I would stand up for my partner, but I wouldn't do so for myself. I am one of those people who think I am kind and easy. The flip side of that is that I am a pushover.

So I am going on a tangent! If you need to express your emotions, go find the people who will let you do so! I just happen to like to read then to write. Remember people have the right to react the way they feel, but you also have the right to ask for what you wanted.

I am only 4 months out, so by no means an expert, but there have been a few things lately that have got me thinking and understanding a bit better. I joined a "yoga for grief" class recently. We spend a bit of time talking before we begin the yoga. Recently the teacher, who lost her partner 8 years ago, talked about the difference between grief and mourning. A quick search brings up lots of different things, but she based it on Dr. Alan Woltfelt's definitions. Grief is our natural internal response to loss. We all grieve loss in some way. Mourning is the outward expression of that grief. It can include crying, talking about our loved one, journaling, therapy, etc. We need to mourn to heal our grief. I found this distinction helpful for a couple of reasons. One, people tend to comment on my outward behaviour ("you're so strong") or my mourning, which does not always reflect my grief. I am more OK with that now because I get that they cannot know what is on the inside; they can only know and judge what they see on the outside and assume the two are the same. Second, maybe I can't mourn by crying in front of certain people, or talk about my husband with them. So I need to find other ways to mourn. Spend time with the people that DO let me do that. I am very fortunate in that I have a number of family members that have been, and continue to be, amazing support for me and I am finding other places (this community, for example) where I can let it out, or feel connected to others going through the the same thing.

In addition to this community, I follow a couple of others. I also go to a meetup group with other wids once or twice a month. It is not therapy, but a chance to socialize with others that get it. Now the yoga class. At times, I feel like the only label I wear these days is "widow", but it's OK for now. These are all outlets where I feel I can safely mourn as needed.

I agree with Martha. I have been disappointed by some that I thought would be right beside me, but I have had a few people absolutely surprise me with their kindness and generosity. I am less disappointed in others, though, because I agree - there really is no way to know what this is like unless you've lived it.

Which raises one last thought for now - has anyone felt supported by other widows/widowers in "real life"? I surprisingly, have not felt that. There are several people at church that have lost spouses, and really only one or two have acknowledged my loss in any way.

Peace and love,
Kate

To answer Katie's question, I was the only widow in my immediate circle. Over time, a couple of people that worked in other departments confided that they had been widowed, and they were supportive. It was strange because even the friends and colleagues that were much older all still had their mates. My mother had been widowed, but she was long gone - died ten years before Cliff did. I was on my own...

Hugs...

I'll tell you why I am so angry with those at my job for the way they are acting since my wife went home.
In 2010 my mother passed away. I recieved cards sympathy and encouragement for people I ran across and plenty of time off. Even long after folks would ask how I'm dong.
When this happened with my wfe,I'm invisable in that respect. No mention of her or how I'm doing with losing her.
So as far as people getting tired of of me, they never put much effort into caring one way or another anyway. To be fair there are a couple of folks who have been truely caring. But overall I don't care what anyone else thinks and actually anytime I am in a conversation I will purposely work my wife into it. If someone else wants her to fade away I NEVER will. I'm not rude but me wife existed and in my heart always will and I have to go thru this right now not them. So like that ol'e saying my philosphy is to those, walk a mile in my shoes. Please do what you need to do to take care of you and don't worry about appearences or what anyone else thinks.
Unfortunately if they ever marry or become involved with some one they are at risk to go thru this like we have. But if it meant missing out with spending part of my life here with Lyn I would do it all again.
Peace, Tim

While I have certainly shared the rewriting of my address book experience, I have also been through the other extrememy late husband was a beloved college professor with legions of colleagues/former students. When I encounter people I do not know but who knew him, naturally, they wish to regale me with some anecdote or another or assure me how much he meant to them. I realize their motives are pure but these exchanges feel like an intrusion into my privacy.

I experience that a lot too. We loose our spouse and then our friends. Its truly a test of who can be around us after that. as was already said some people just can't deal with another's pain. No one can grasp what we go through on a daily basis unless they have been there. No words can explain any of it. You are not alone here and we all get it.

I never share with people that have not been in this situation because it is a waste of breath. I belong to a grief support and vent there. I will keep joing grief support groups until I feel like I am ok.

The statement "Grieve rewrites your address book" is totally true!

Patricia...you are at the beginning of your journey...I am just a little bit farther than you at 10 months, and I clearly remember the utter confusion and surrealistic nature of my existence in that time...for the first three months all I did was make refrigerator magnets from pictures of Marylou and give them to people...I still have them all over my refrigerator, but I have discovered from visiting people I know, that they have long since taken them down...that must be because they are "all-better-now", they must have "gotten-over-it".
Maybe they are stronger than me...it stands to reason, because they are not the ones who got ripped-in-half, we are...they can "get-over-it" and "move-on" or whatever they call it, because they can go back to their regular lives where nothing is missing...and be glad that it is us and not them.
And this is exactly how our address book gets rewritten...because it is just not our job to be accommodating to THEIR situation, they do not have a "situation"...it is us who are left behind as half of what we were who have the "situation"...and 10 months into this, I have learned that it is just not my place, or desire, to be a guidance counselor to everybody else...when we lose a spouse, our "situation" is permanent, and we do not owe the world any apologies about it.
Some people get that, and in the address book they stay.
Some people do not bother themselves with it...and they are the ones who get removed from the address book.
THAT'S the kind of "moving-on" I'm talking about.

I do. I just don't care. I am new into this. I have an infinity symbol pendant that holds some of my husband's ashes, and a small urn in my home. I had a friend tell me I was going a little overboard. I felt like I had to justify how I felt.

And then I posted something here, and realized that no one has to right to tell you how to grieve, how long to grieve, whether to get over it, whether to stay in bed for days, no one. Yes, time goes on for them, but time stops for us. It hurts. Sometimes we cannot breath. People who tell you to stop do not understand the love we felt for our spouse.

Well forget that BS. I will grieve until I don't need to grieve anymore. If that takes forever, so be it. If it doesn't, that's fine too. But it is each person's decision to make, and not anyone elses.

XXOO

I was recently introduced to the work of Joanne Cacciatore. She lost a child and so that is the area of grief she works in moreso, but as I read some of her posts on Facebook, there certainly are commonalities in all grief. This was a post I saw and it made me think of the discussions here. The last paragraph is the one that is important...

"A bereaved mother recently told me about the ways in which her colleagues at work avoid her, her grief, and never ask about her son who died. Her supervisor asked her to take down the photos she had in her cubicle because it was "making others uncomfortable" and suggested that she get on "something" to "make her happy again and to make her grief go away." Her address book, now rewritten, is replete with torn pages.

A young man whose mother recently died told me how no one in his circle of friends wants to hear about his sorrow, how he misses his mom; after all, it's been four months since she died.

A woman whose husband died recently told me how her friends are urging her to "date soon" so that she can "move on with life and not be so sad." They said it's "hard to be around the grief" and they want things to be "normal" again.

A combat veteran recently told me that every time he tries to talk about the horror of war, others change the subject. When he feels natural fear, others tell him not to feel it; to think positively and to "let the past go." They cannot bear to hear what he had to live so they push away his experiences of trauma.

As a culture, we must stop this; we must get over our need to push others to get over grief. This intimations incite loneliness, anger, confusion, and they can even exacerbate and prolong grief because of the lack of loving kindness, compassion, and patience."