Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Happy New Year?

mclizm
mclizm
While I'm sure like a lot of the recently widowed friends here I'm so glad to see the back of 2014 it leaves the question of what now? I just came back to the US after spending the last 2 weeks in England with family and friends. While it certainly helped me to get through the season I now wonder if it was just a way of avoiding dealing with reality. Being there it's almost like my life with my husband was just a dream. Here, there's no denying it. I'm lonely, I miss him. Real life is just too much to handle. Monday will be 6 months since PJ died. Is it normal for it to feel less real as time goes on? Still struggling to accept that he's really gone. Noticing that I think I "see" him when I'm out and about but when I look again of course it's not him. Just someone of similar build or dressed in the same manner. Didn't know I was even looking for him. I want to move forward and indeed have many plans and projects but actually doing it is proving much harder. Everything is still so much effort. Is this true for others or am I just procrastinating? Still wishing I could just wake up and this would all have been some horrible dream. Liz
statsmaster
statsmaster
Liz,

No dream here just the truth of reality. Does it suck? Hell yes but we are going to navigate this journey and become more thoughtful, kinder and better people. I on one hand hate this journey but I'm seeing how this is causing my persona to develop, grow, soften and make me care about others feelings and how I feel for them. I'm a much nicer person than a few months ago as I now see the importance of friendship and relationships. You get what you give and my heart is pretty open now! Life gives us many lessons but this is the most difficult and trying I have ever had to navigate. Liz you will make the journey and become the new Liz! And you will eventually be proud and like the new you! I'm totally sure that is the path you will travel. Hugs to all! Dewman
dschwartz
dschwartz
Liz . . this isn't called procrastination for sure. It's called the grief journey. Procrastination does play some key elements due to lack of energy. Perhaps dealing with some depression? At the six month interval is usually when "reality" kicks in and there is no more room for denial. Reality is worse (in my opinion) than the denial phases. It's hard to accept and a tough pill to swallow. At nine months, my reality pill is only a partial way down my esophagus, not quite swallowed, and a way from digestion. It's okay and normal to feel your current feelings. Speaking of dreams, I tend to call it an episode of the Twilight Zone on steroids, without an off switch. Sigh. I wish I could be more inspiring with words of wisdom. Just know you are not alone. Stay with us and continue to share . . . there are many further along the journey that will attest to better healing days ahead. Big hug to you and Hopeful New Year. xo, Dayna
Coop84
Coop84
Liz, I am glad to see the back of 2014 also. However, New Years Eve was really difficult for me as I realized that 2014 was the last year I spent with Art and 2015 will be the first one on my own. Reality is hitting me and I am trying to move forward. It takes a lot of energy, this grieving journey!!! I am with Dewey, losing Art has made me realize how special my relationship was with him and I am kinder and more gentle because of it. He was a big part in who I am today and I will carry on to find the new me. Just really, really hard!! Sue
Chooky-Lady
Chooky-Lady
Hi Liz. I too am just back from two weeks away in the UK visiting friends and EVERY word you write applies to the way I feel. While it is nice to know that somebody feels as I do, I also know how difficult it is to keep moving forward with any willingness. I am at 15 months as of Monday and I still have a lack of enthusiasm for everything. It is a long rough road with many pot holes that we have to navigate as best we can. All my sincere wishes to you as you move along. Fay.
doyew
doyew
I lost my husband 6 yrs. ago, and think now that I'm as "adjusted" as I will ever be. For me, the first year after his death was by far the hardest. I remember that "raw pain" In my heart; the inability to concentrate enough to read a book; the feeling that there was no purpose in my life because I had been a caregiver for a long time. This is different for everyone - but I don't think anyone can say the first yr. is easy -- and you are half way thru it. I have tried to count my blessings often, and be thankful for the positive things in my life. This helps me. Try to take each day as it comes and don't try to plan too far ahead right now (altho' sometimes it's necessary). I wish you peaceful days!
Doye
Jacuzzi63
Jacuzzi63
Liz,
A friend of mine has taken two Christmas holidays since his divorce, and expressed the same feelings, that he was 'running away' from dealing with it. I suggested he 'reframe' this, and see the trips as his gifts to himself - being in a beautiful tropical place instead of in our snowy cold (-30 today). Based on his pics on facebook, it seemed he took my advice and had a fabulous time.
I've just been through my second Christmas without Rob, my 23rd without our late son... Reality sucks at times. Sometimes it sucks A LOT. I'm at the point now where I'm starting to forget what his voice sounded like, Aussie accent and all, what his hands felt like when I held them... I have to pull out the photos to remind myself. I wish I'd taken more in those final years. I wish I'd insisted more on a formal family portrait with the kids.
Be kind to yourself...don't expect that you will rebuild in a day. Those projects and plans you have will still be there for you if you need to take a day to just be still and grieve. Grieving is hard, exhausting work, but you will get through it, like we all will.