I am sorry for your loss. I totally understand though. It has seemed pointless to get upcin the mornings to go to work. I i no longer want to go home at night.

I'm off and on angry with my wife for leaving. My brain knows she didn't have a say in it. My heart though hurts like hell.

Its been killing me today to put on a strong face..I did go have a breakdown earlier in the bathroom (visiting my parents and trying to be strong.. If I cry my mom will start and she is recovering from heart surgery, so I'm trying hare not too)

About now if today were "normal", I would probably be figuring out a movie for my wife and I to go see..we would go out, enjoy it, come home and snuggle, either in bed or by the fireplace..sigh.. That's making me cry now.

We all "get it" and are here for you. This situation sucks worse than anything

So sorry that any of us have had to go through this day without our spouse. I'm not doing much differently than I would if he were here except he's not and it's miserable. I also have two step children who are not with me and I talked on the phone with them for the first time since their mother took them to NY the day of his funeral. I tred not to break down on the phone with them but just couldn't hold back. I miss him, I miss them and I just want this horrible year over with. My kids have gone to their dads for the afternoon so I'm just sitting around with my parents.

I also have felt like I wish I could just go join him or stop the pain. we all have to do what's necessary to get through the day and carry on. Hugs to you and everyone else.

Same here Keenan. Today life sucks and it's very difficult to keep my usual positive atitude. There is no normal any longer as events have occured that were not in our control. Heavy hearts abound today and many of our sisters and brothers are feeling hurt and broken hearts. This will pass but it dosen't make today any easier to get through. We unfortunely all know exactally how you are feeling and feel your pain with you. Only positive I can find now is 6" snow on the level, 32 degrees and bright full sun in Montana today. Beautiful day! Sorry for those of you that do not have the beautiful bright sun I have to look at. Sisters and brothers let peace be with you and let's us all get to 2015 for a mucher better year. Montana Hugs to everyone. Hang in there Keenan! Dewman

My deepest condolences and empathy for your loss. No, this is not an empty Hallmark response. We all here on this DS support group truly feel your pain and loss as we are or have walked the same journey.

I'ts okay to feel the range of emotions you are feeling right now. Anger is my biggest battle today and the past however many months. I can't seem to move through it. All of our grief and circumstances are different, yet we will still experience similarities in our grief.

I've said it before in previous posts, but if you're not familiar, I'll do a repeat of the acronym DABDA:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

And they don't go in that order, they go all over the place, transitioning sometimes in moments, other times in days or weeks.

It's a "journey" and process. . . and yes, as Dewman said, it's a hell of a journey. We didn't ask for it, but here it is. There are no alternative choices for us but to "deal" as best we can.

Never give up, my friend. There is too much "life" to be lived for you as well as your children. Be strong, as you are . . . and remember, nothing is "pointless". You will survive this.

Again, my deepest sympathy and big hug to you. Feel free to reach out to your DS family here . . . we're all in the same proverbial boat, and reminded we are never alone here. xo, Dayna

I am sorry for your loss, and I do understand how hard it is and how it can seem so pointless at times. I want to tell you though that it is not pointless to keep going, to not give up. It will seem that way for a time, but there will come a day in the future when you will be able to look back and realize it was a good thing you didn't give up. There are happy times ahead of you, moments of peace, and moments of wonder. That sounds impossible right now because you are hurting so badly. I know that. I was where you are 7 years ago. I made it through it, and my life is good again. You can do this, Keenan, you can do this. Don't give up. For now, do it for your kids, or do it to make her proud, but hang on. A day will come when you will want to live again.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Keenan, I know what you mean about having something to prove, that you did what she would have wanted and that you did things well. I felt that same way for so long - if I did all of these things that needed to be done and I did them well, I would pass a test of some sort and that my husband would be proud of how I handled things. It's 8 months for me now and I don't feel that way as strongly as I did. It will get better. Karen

So sorry for your loss. When did your wife pass and was it sudden? This is the right place to be, share, vent, come for understanding. Please do not give up!!!! Take it a day at a time, cry, talk it out, join a support group. How old are your precious children??? They need you more than ever. We all care and are here for you.

Keenan, I am sorry for your loss. Reading your post I thought back to when my husband died. I have 5 children and a busy life but there are sill those time I want to go in the bathroom and scream. I know how you feel because I've been there.

Maggie

Keenan,

I am 12 days ahead of you on this journey ( Aug 31, 2014). My husband died suddenly and I have had every feeling you write about. It is normal to have those feelings but this is not her choice. I put on the act everyday too. Even my best friend told me how proud she was of me because I was doing so well. If she only knew. I'm a mess. I just hide it well as long as I don't have to stay around people for more than a couple of hours. That is my limit. You are in the raw, fresh stage of grief and nothing makes sense and you see no future. I look at others here and realize that there is the possibility of a future if we fight our way to find it. Hang in there and come here as often as you need to. We will all listen and help in any way we can. When things get too tough come here and rant, vent whatever you need. Big hug for you and take care of yourself. Those kids need you now. Robyn

I am so sorry for your loss and at such a young age. You are in the deep dark place we have all been in during those early stages of this grieving journey. I just wanted to die and be with my Art. As time went on, I am at 7 months, I started to feel the pain subside and I realized that there was a reason I am here. My family and many friends!!! They need me now as much as I need them. Your children need you and together you will heal!! With your loss being so recent and the Holiday's does not help at all!! Give it TIME and it does get gentler, still hard , but just not as painful. Sending hugs. Sue

Keenan...Just thinking about you this morning...praying that you are OK....I wish that I had a magic word to heal your heart but I can only share how I have been healing mine..for me everything points to faith and hope Some days I ride it like a roller coaster and if I learned anything this year I learned that when my roller coaster is at that scary dip ..I can only hold on and let it finish. I had been trying to jump out of the car and push it back up and it just didn't work....hang on Keenan..please hang on....sending u many many hugs