I have done a lot of thinking this weekend on the subject of negativity. Since I was told that I am too negative and cynical. When someone tells me things like that I can't help but try to evaluate it and see if they are right. And I know in this case the person certainly wasn't wrong. But I think they are off a bit on what they are seeing. I don't think it's negativity. I think it's fear.

I am so afraid. I am afraid to be happy. I am afraid to seek it. I am afraid of losing happy again. I actually get mad when people suggest that I could find happy. It's a very intense response and I am coming to understand that maybe it isn't anger but being scared. Very very scared. I feel paralyzed with fear sometimes.

But I can't live like this! I can't live so afraid of life that I just stop. I can't have every attempt at happy be sabotaged by me. I can take any happy situation and find the worst in it. The things that could go wrong. I need to stop doing that.

I am scared that if I let me be happy that the "other shoe" will drop and it will all go away. Rob and I tried to find happy many times, but something really bad always happened. I am afraid to hope for good things to happen in case they don't. I fear hope so much. But I realized last night that if something bad is going to happen it will whether I am happy or not. And if I don't let me be happy for fear of the potential bad then I am just miserable. At least if I let me be happy then when bad things do happen I have been happy in between.

Emotions are so confusing!