Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?

These lines are not just lyrics to a song. Can any one of us say that we have not asked ourselves these questions? What in our life has changed us to something else and made us conceal ourselves? How many of us pretend on a daily basis, pretend that we have our lives all together and that everything is right in the world?

Today I saw a post here on Facebook posted by a friend that really made me think about somethings. In her post was a photo of words.

The post simply read:
I think the hardest part of losing someone, isnt having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness thats left inside your heart when they go.

I realize they are words but they really made me evaluate myself today. I came to a realization that I am not the man I was before. He died with Meredith; however, I cannot conceal myself in the sorrow of loss but must embrace the light of life that is still here on this earth and in me.

My world has changed and there is nothing that I or anyone can ever do to fix that. I will miss and love her till the day I leave this earth but I am no longer sorry. I am no longer mad at myself for missing the signs of what was going on. I have forgiven myself for hiding the true extent of her Cancer from her for 6 long days. Days that were misery to me but that she was able to be somewhat stress free during.

I am on a journey now that is changing me, I am discovering how strong I truly am. We went through a lot in the last few years. In June 2009 Merediths mom Sally passed away in the middle of the night.

As a freshman in High School (2012) we thought we were going to lose Robbie as he was so depressed that suicide was a real thought to him. The night Nick Haynes and I took him to Peoria to check him in to the hospital the song Strong Enough kept playing on the radio. I cried most of the trip.

Later that same year we lost Merediths Grandmother who was 100 years old. Then six months later in the start of 2013 my own father died. I spent days in the hospital ICU waiting room sleeping there watching over him for my family. Yet again Strong Enough played through, letting me know that I did not have to be Strong Enough that God was there with me to lean on.

Unfortunately, through all of that I relied on myself, I held strong for everyone because that was and has always been my job and role in my family clear back to my own grandparents deaths back in the 90s.

Spring 2015 Kaitlyn goes through some of the same struggles that Robbie dealt with and she too thought suicide was her only option. Thanks to her friends reaching out to their own parents and those parents reaching out to me through the school district we were able to prevent anything before it happened. Kaitlyn spent time in the same Peoria hospital I had taken Robbie to three years prior. Still on the radio WCIC played Strong Enough as Meredith and I headed for Peoria that day.

Jump forward five months and Kaitlyn deals with the loss of her friend Wyatt who died in a tragic accident. I had never met this kid until his funeral but I had seen many pictures of him over the years they were friend. I sat at his funeral and thought about the two close calls my family had already had with Robbie and Kaitlyn. Thankful that there was intervention and that I still had them and knowing how close we were to losing both of them.

That was August 2015 and in December our world got turned upside down again. In January as you all know I lost Meredith to the cancer that we found in December. Strong Enough still played along in the room on the Sunday she took her last breath.

Why write all of this you ask? Well to be honest this is what I thought defined my answer to Who Am I. Honestly though it does not, Who Am I is not a question I can answer because only God knows who I will be. What have I learned about who I am is a better question. In the three months since her death I have lost myself and found myself. I have started to come out of the shell shock that was my own existence and I know that I am changing. I have looked at all of the past few years and I know I am Strong Enough because it is not me who is strong but He who is in me.

I am not looking for any Im sorry or any other type of condolences. I do not want to be sorry for her being gone but Happy that she is home. So as a request from this day forward no more apologies on whatever I post. Be happy for her, for me and the kids because God is changing the four of us and Merediths legacy is not gone.

So what have I found out the last few months. Who Am I? My name is John Anno; I am a man who did his best to be a great husband even in my failures. A man who needed to be taught many lessons, and still has many to learn. I am a father of three amazing and terrifying teenagers. Most importantly I am a child of God who is in the garden of his own soul being pruned of what does not bear fruit. Who will I be only God knows.