Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hello all,
My wife of 8 years died in November 2015, it's been only 2.5 months but it feels like an eternity.
I suppose I should tell everyone the story, just so I can get the support I seek without any assumptions or questions.
On November 2nd I came home from work to find my wife unconscious on our bed. I thought she was sleeping and decided to start dinner. When I went to wake her up I then noticed she wasn't breathing. I called 911 and they were there in minutes. However it was too late. She was gone.
She fought many demons in her life, from sexual abuse at age 5 to a rape a few years before we met. She struggled with depression, PTSD and fibromyalgia. she was a cutter and suffered from dissociative disorder. (Multiple personalities.)
Two and half months later I STILL don't know exactly how she died, the medical examiner has yet to inform me of the toxicology results. I suspect she accidentally overdosed and died in her sleep, but that's just an assumption. All the while her life insurance is tied up until I receive an official result. All the while medical and funeral bills are piling up.
Her family is not speaking to me really. I'm not sure why. I've been reaching out to EVERYONE and not getting any real help other than the typical "It'll get easier over time" nonsense. I get a few people trying to help that have lost their parent, and while hard, it's not the same as losing your spouse. My mother is probably the only one who makes an effort and I am thankful for that.
From advice by my counselor I am seeking support from others that have lost their spouse as well. I know I have a super difficult life ahead of me. I try to be positive and keep busy, but the nights alone are the hardest to bear.
We did not have children and I feel that's both a blessing and a curse at times. We have two dogs, but the companionship they provide will never be what she gave me. However they are my friends.
I've gone on a few dates since her passing and I was surprised at how confidant and strong I have become as a man. I credit all of it to her. I realize it may sound strange or sudden to even try dating so soon after she passed, but we often spoke about living our lives as best as we could if either of us died first. I have to try my best to live my life. She would want that. I would too, if our roles were reversed. (Nothing has come from those dates, by the way.)
I miss her every day. I wish the events of that November evening were different, of course... but she's gone. Forever. It's part of me now. I choose to live.
But I'm struggling.
Thanks for listening, I can answer any questions you might have, or clarify any details if needed. I can even assist anyone if I can. For instance I can tell you Progressive Auto insurance and T-Mobile have been the worst companies to work with regarding her death. I can tell you all of the utility companies like gas, water and electricity have been the easiest to deal with.
-Jeff
My wife of 8 years died in November 2015, it's been only 2.5 months but it feels like an eternity.
I suppose I should tell everyone the story, just so I can get the support I seek without any assumptions or questions.
On November 2nd I came home from work to find my wife unconscious on our bed. I thought she was sleeping and decided to start dinner. When I went to wake her up I then noticed she wasn't breathing. I called 911 and they were there in minutes. However it was too late. She was gone.
She fought many demons in her life, from sexual abuse at age 5 to a rape a few years before we met. She struggled with depression, PTSD and fibromyalgia. she was a cutter and suffered from dissociative disorder. (Multiple personalities.)
Two and half months later I STILL don't know exactly how she died, the medical examiner has yet to inform me of the toxicology results. I suspect she accidentally overdosed and died in her sleep, but that's just an assumption. All the while her life insurance is tied up until I receive an official result. All the while medical and funeral bills are piling up.
Her family is not speaking to me really. I'm not sure why. I've been reaching out to EVERYONE and not getting any real help other than the typical "It'll get easier over time" nonsense. I get a few people trying to help that have lost their parent, and while hard, it's not the same as losing your spouse. My mother is probably the only one who makes an effort and I am thankful for that.
From advice by my counselor I am seeking support from others that have lost their spouse as well. I know I have a super difficult life ahead of me. I try to be positive and keep busy, but the nights alone are the hardest to bear.
We did not have children and I feel that's both a blessing and a curse at times. We have two dogs, but the companionship they provide will never be what she gave me. However they are my friends.
I've gone on a few dates since her passing and I was surprised at how confidant and strong I have become as a man. I credit all of it to her. I realize it may sound strange or sudden to even try dating so soon after she passed, but we often spoke about living our lives as best as we could if either of us died first. I have to try my best to live my life. She would want that. I would too, if our roles were reversed. (Nothing has come from those dates, by the way.)
I miss her every day. I wish the events of that November evening were different, of course... but she's gone. Forever. It's part of me now. I choose to live.
But I'm struggling.
Thanks for listening, I can answer any questions you might have, or clarify any details if needed. I can even assist anyone if I can. For instance I can tell you Progressive Auto insurance and T-Mobile have been the worst companies to work with regarding her death. I can tell you all of the utility companies like gas, water and electricity have been the easiest to deal with.
-Jeff
I am so gad you found this group. You are in the early part of your griefjourney aand the folk here are a living support. I come here daily and post some days. I do agree that terrible pain and anguish does begin to ebb and allow times of joy, but I'm at 5 months and the pain still comes at me out of the blue and stops me in my tracks. But...those times are coming further apart and there are more smiles.
Keep coming back. You're among friends. Hugs ~ Bailey ~
I can't pretend to know what you have been through with the demons your wife was fighting, my late spouse would know better than me.
My Tim had a phylosiphy "that nobody wants to grow old alone" so I feel I have his blessing to more forward.
I would caution moving before you are ready, because if you do make a connection you risk hurting someone.
It does not get easier with time, you just learn how to accept it with grace.
The loneliness is debilitating and unfortunately unavoidable. Nobody can make you feel like the one you lost did in the beginning stages of greif.
Unfortunately your address book will change, be it friends or family. People just do not know how to handle it if they have not been though it themselves.
Welcome to our group and I hope we bring you the peace that it has brought me.
Hugs, Sandi
I sincerely hope being here helps you. Sharon
This will be the worse and hardest thing that will ever happen to us and as you have heard we all grieve differently. I know it probably does not feel like it now but it does get better. I am at nearly a year and the peaks and valleys of my emotions are not nearly as intense or grief episodes as often.
Although we all grieve differently the pain is universal. It helps to know that you are not alone and we all are here for each other. Come here when you need to. This group has helped me more than I can say. Peace to you ~Pete
I came to the realization that I need to find somewhere else to work. My wife told me this before she died. She saw how unhappy I was there.
I've been there 12 years and I make pretty good money, so it's difficult to look elsewhere. I've tried in the past and there's not much out there. Right now, I'm not financially stable to make such a move... but it's something in the back of my mind.
I just need to figure out being lonely and alone again. I feel like a half person, and not the better half... I spent my teens, 20s and early 30s all alone and desperately lonely. Those fears are slapping me in the face right now.
The first few months are very tough, but you can get through this - don't give up. We can talk about about how to deal with your job at some point. I had the good, the bad, and the very ugly at my job after Cliff died. I couldn't quit - I was the breadwinner and I have kids - so I had to develop coping strategies for work.
The one piece of advice I would give you is to take your time. Don't rush into anything. The pain and the loneliness makes you very vulnerable right now. Take the time to heal a bit before you make any big changes or start pursuing other relationships. Just my two cents...
I am sorry you qaulify for membership here, but glad you found us. Welcome.
Love and Hugs,
Martha