I am So sorry for your loss. It is so hard to keep going after losing your spouse, best friend, partner but you will find a way somehow. You must deal with all of it in your own way and your own time, no one can tell you exactly how it should be done, especially people who have not lost one so dear. Take care of your self and come here for great support, kindness and caring. The folks here are wonderful people and care a lot and have been down the road or are traveling the same road yet all roads are different for everyone but yet similar here. Peace and Love to you
Laurie

Jesse,
Yeah, my wife had stage four colon cancer for 10 years and she did 180 chemo treatments. I saw her waste away as she put up a ferocious fight.

Like you, we did not waste time about the negative. However, although there was nothing to prevent the outcome we were able to delay the end and have some important times together.

This is a good place, and you will find some people who may say things that will give you a different perspective and maybe help you.

Bob

Hi Jesse

Everything you say hits home to me...My darling Kate passed away eleven weeks here in Edinburgh Scotland, after battling cancer for two and a half years...never once did Kate moan or feel sorry for herself...I am so proud of Kate...I just wish I had the strength to go on without Kate at my side...
I understand how you feel Jesse...writing on here does help...I always said " Love you baby"...to my Kate...so when I see you writing that for your wife...well, I understand ..truly..

Stay strong Jesse...its a hard road...but folks on here understand and care...

Lawrence

Jesse, I total identify with your struggle - I had to watch my husband slip away only 10 days after the doctors told him he was fine and come back in 3 months! It was so hard to accept and I couldn't talk to him as he was intubated. I struggle with the fact that I never got to say goodbye and watching him was the hardest things I have ever done.

I dont know if it helps you but I am now at nearly 9 months and it has becoming a little easier to think of him near the end. I know that he wasnt in pain and they told me he could hear me.

I hope that you are able to think of her courage in the face of her trials and remembering her unselfish nature learn to be kind to yourself.

Grieving is a hard road and I hope you will journey along it remembering that we are all here to support you. Fay

So sorry for your loss. My husband was diagnosed with leukemia Christmas Eve 2013 and he died Oct 14, 2014. I was his chemo buddy...I hated watching him go thru that...I prayed many times that God would take his sickness away and give it to me. Yes, I have been where you have been. It just plain hurts. He never complained. Always had a smile on his face...I drew my strength from him at times. He was the most gentle spirited person I have ever know. We had 33 years together. I hate life here on earth without him.

I truly am sorry for your loss. I still struggle with the evening in ER when Wayne left. I take comfort in knowing that I was with him and while he spent most of the time there semi comatose I know he knew I was there...he coded every time they asked me to step out a moment and at the end he came back looking right at me I was blessed to tell him I love you. It is a bittersweet comfort. I am sorry you had to find this place but it is full of wonderful caring people that feel your pain and will support you. Jewely

Jesse I am so sorry you have suffered such tremendous loss. God Bless your heart. I completely understand about watching the love of your life slip away from cancer, being the caretaker, suffering the aftermath, having it hit you like a ton of bricks afterwards, not knowing what to do with all of it. My husband was 48, same age as you, a gorgeous guy, died in my arms of brain cancer exactly 7 months ago today. He was the absolute and complete love of my life, we have six children, four of them are under 8. I invite you to vent, to ask, to comment to read and to study others' comments and responses and to seek where you have questions. There isn't anyone here who can't identify with you, with your pain and your confusion even, your anger, your...whatever you are in the moment. It's good that you came here, I hope you find it as cathartic and healing as I have.
Cindy

Yes, I did watch my husband go to the doctor's office for what was believed to be a pulled muscle only to find out he has terminal lung cancer. Ten weeks later he died.

I know how you're feeling, because I felt that way for a long time. Remembering the weeks that preceeded his death. Since he died in a hospital bed in our room I was so distraught I gave away my living room furniture, had my nephew paint the room and put our bedroom furniture in there. My empty bedroom sat with the door shut for over a year.

It was 7 years ago this Father's Day so I begin my eighth year now. It took time and a great deal of tears and work to even think I would ever be able to live without him. But I have. You will too. Just stay here, like I have, and our members/friends will help you every step of the way. Sharon

You are in my prayers as I know your heart is broken. I pray that the Lord will give you comfort, that you will be strengthen day by day and you will have peace knowing you did everything you could possibly do. It has been almost 11 months for me. I used to read comments of those who were at 11 months and could now imagine how they made it, but they did, I did and you will. I know it seems impossible, but with God all things are possible. God bless us all.

I am very sorry this has happened to you. When you love someone deeply, life is completely turned upside down when they are taken from you. It becomes difficult to see the point in nearly anything we once so enjoyed. The slow climb back to finding meaning in our continued existence without them, is difficult, uneven, and full of triggers waiting to knock us back, just when we experience a few good days. As I approach one year, I have become essentially, battle hardened. Each time I get knocked down, I know, from prior struggles, that I will get back up, just a little stronger.
I did not experience the slower death from illness with my wife, but I do understand that helpless feeling that I could not save her. Sharry passed from a sudden aneurism in her sleep. The shock ,and helplessness of that morning has never, and will never leave me. We feel like we should have been able to protect our wives from all harm. I have slowly begun to accept that I could not have prevented what happened. She knows I would have taken her place in a heartbeat, if the option would have been given. You will slowly begin to heal, and find that same peace in knowing you did all you could possibly do, loved her to that last breath, and that love lives on until the day you are reunited with her. Prayers for you, and all those just beginning this difficult journey.
Robert

Jesse,
So sorry to hear about your wife. We all know there are no words to take away your pain. What you are feeling at 6 months is "normal" for us. The fog is lifting and reality hits. You will experiencel all of the emotions on the roller coaster of feelings and grieve at your own pace.
I'm glad you found this site. There are lots of wonderful people here who "get it". Come here to vent and ask questions. We understand. Take care of youself. Mary

I welcome you to a group nobody should ever have to be a part of. But I'm glad you found us. I too was there for my wife's last breath. Helpless in the feeling that nothing you could do would stop it. I'm starting to feel some peace with it, but it takes a lot of soul searching and a lot of time. Be kind to yourself and understand that this is the way it is supposed to be. Nothing you could have done would have changed it. That's what I'm trying to reconcile. Be kind to yourself, she would want that for you. Jeff.

Jesse, I am so sorry for the lost of your wonderful wife. I too struggle with a similar pain..my husband had bladder cancer. He went through chemo, radical cystectomy, and had to have two additional major surgeries to correct problems with adhesions. Plus much more... I could write a short novel of all he went through. Yet he was so strong and brave. He felt really well for 6 months, then the cancer was back in his liver and he died about 4 months later, a few months short of two years since they found the tumor. And all I could do was watch him decline day by day. I too was right there when he breathed his last. I so feel for you, I understand the helplessness. I hope that it helps to know others are there for you and share your sorrow.

Jesse, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious wife. My husband passed in March from a nine month battle, yes a battle, with cancer. He also never complained and as I look back now I can see how frantic I was to do everything to keep him here and not let him go. My heart is broken that this good, kind man is no longer at my side. All I can add is to just take it a day at a time. Some days better than others. We are all here for you my friend.