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Really???

amb60
amb60
During the 25 years that my husband and I were together, his mom would always go to her hair appointment every Friday. Even if she was on vacation, she would still have her hair done. We used to joke that nothing better happen on a friday because what would mom do than? Well the worst did happen on a friday, my husband passed away around 3 am on a friday. When my kids and I were at the funeral home around 8 or 9 am, his father met us there, after he dropped mom off at the hair dresser for her appointment. It did not really sink in right then, but then when I got home I thought about it and all I could think about is " well honey we got our answer to what his mom would do ". My sister told me that my husband would even joke about it with her when they talked. My husband was the youngest of 3, and his older brother had passed away just 14 months prior, and as a mother myself I just can not wrapped my head around this. I realize that his parents are elderly, and that habits are hard to change, but sometimes I just wonder if she was in denial. I know that everyone handles a death in different ways, but a hair appointment?
Well the sad thing now is she suffered a stroke and is pretty much bedridden now so the hair appointments are no more.
There were a few other instances in the first few days that caused me frustration and even now the frustration is hard to let go after 2 1/2 years. I know that saying something will not change things and the fact that they are elderly and his parents and in alot ways I should not be surprised, even my husband would not have been surprised. I just tell myself that I have not been in their shoes, having lost 2 sons a short time apart from each other. I know that they loved their sons and their families, but I guess going to the hair dresser just 6 hours after your youngest passes away still stuns me, but yet on the other hand not surprised by it. Any thoughts on this?
sassiesoftail
sassiesoftail
Maybe just maybe she was in "the fog" . You know how we forget to eat. I have never lost a child, but losing my Tim I was in the fog. His parents are in their 80's and they seemed to just go through the motions. They are farmers so their neighbors kept showing up with food and my Mother in law kept making it and trying to get everyone to eat. We had so much food put out all at the same time it was crazy.
I try to look at "the backstory" of why people do things. My Tim was a kinder, gentler person than me and that's what he would do. So I try to do that now in his memory.
Hugs, Sandi
Lelsch
Lelsch
I think some people just don't get sacrificial love - to me she put her hair appointment before being with you. My mother did not come to my husband's memorial service because she thought people would be distracted by her in a wheelchair. I find it sad that some people cannot ask "what might she need now?" We have to accept all people where they are and just try to surround ourselves with the ones that are there for us.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
Her hairdresser was her friend and confidante, she probably kept the appointment because she knew the hairdresser would understand and comfort her, and she probably couldn't face the reality of being at the funeral home again so soon for one of her children. And maybe she felt she could put on a stronger front if she looked good -- I've done that -- put on some outfit I know makes me look good to hide the fact I feel like crap. Kind of like 'girding up your loins for battle' or something. That generation didn't talk about their feelings like ours does, and my experiences with older ladies is that they tend to have a close relationship with their stylists because it's a safe place to talk. Remember, this is someone she spent time with every week. I could be wrong, but I don't think you should take offense. I think it was a coping mechanism for her. It seems like bizarre behavior to our generation, but I don't think it was such for hers.

I know it must have upset you, and I am sorry it did. People do react differently in these situations, and generally speaking, no one does what we need them to do at that point.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
Being on auto pilot is a way we often react to devastating circumstances. I wonder if she felt if it was necessary for her to have her hair done to receive guests at the service. I do understand your feelings, putting myself in your shoes I would have to think "Really. " also.

I remember when my husband died I was asked if I needed to have my hair done and I couldn't care less about how my hair looked. It is a generational thing. Apperence was very important to my parents too. Sharon
JPMe
JPMe
Oh, my! Sounds like our mothers-in-law could be sisters! I can certainly relate. My mil says and does the most bizarre things and her children just laugh it off that she's one of a kind. When my mil was told that her son, my 53-year-old husband, died suddenly of a heart attack, the first words out of her mouth were "well, Jackie's going to have to quit her job so she can take care of me!" Yes, I'm Jackie and, no, I didn't quit my job!

I think some people as they age become very self involved and truly don't think of the world around them.
Katexyz123
Katexyz123
I think I agree with your thoughts that maybe she was in denial. Losing 2 children in such a short time, would have to be really tough. And as for her hair appointments, wouldn't it be a nice gesture if you could have someone do her hair on a Friday.
Mgould
Mgould
Some people get stressed out if they don't keep to a schedule - sometimes this is especially true with older people. Perhaps this is the case and the last thing she needed to deal with upon learning of the death of her son - was to be even more stressed out. Perhaps this helped keep her in control, and able to deal with what she now needed to face.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No matter what her reasons, or lack of reasons, for keeping the appointment, it is clear that she did not do it to be hurtful. I think everyone has offered good insights especially the generational issue and the closeness many women had with their stylist.

Since this is on your mind, I think following the suggestion of arranging for a beautician to come in would do you as much good as it would her. In fact, she might not even be able to express that she appreciates it. But you will have done something that your husband would appreciate - both the kind act and the ironic humor that echoes the way he and his sister joked about it.
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
ok.... ya'll will think this really weird. The day of my husbands funeral, (before) I went to my hair dresser and had her wash and fix my hair. I just couldn't get myself together to make myself presentable. And had been awake and crying for days. I wanted to be presentable for the last time I would ever spend with him. I even put a little make up on (not eyes)

BTW July 3rd would have been our 49th Anniversary. I actually had a good day.
handg
handg
My take on this is that she was probably in shock and going through the motions. At that time her scheduled hair appointment was probably like breathing and what kept her moving. There is no accounting for people`s reactions. When Howie passed returning from the funeral home I had a full house. His cousins rallied and a meal of pasta and sauce was made for people to eat. I was grateful for this and when I heart the news that cousins from far away were on their way (10 hour drive for one and 14 hour drive for the other) I was so touched I started crying. My mother in law was acting as if she was at a party and loved the attention so when she saw me crying , she asked me why I was crying and what was wrong with me. One of his cousin`s jaw almost hit the table he was so shocked by the comment. I simply seek out Sister -in-law and told her I felt that her mom was in shock and to that she replied "Nah she`s fine , she`s having a great time"
Through bereavement sessions I`ve learned that people may make remarks without realizing what they say or if it sounds bad because they are speaking from nerves.
My mom is still upset from the lost of my brother 10 years ago so I imagine that your Mother-in-law was in fact in shock.
Phyl1D
Phyl1D
I can hear your hurt and rightfully so. Ignorance is Bliss on your MIL side. But maybe, as Cliffskat used the analogy she needed comfort from someone she could talk to and comfort her before trying to comfort you. Believing this may comfort you and give you a benefit of doubt. Of course this may be hard to do because I do know if my MIL had been alive she would not have to reacted this way, she was always here for me, she had been the best MIL anyone could've had. Phyl
wendywillow
wendywillow
Shock, stress, and what do we do? We hold on to the rational, the normal, the safe and routine - especially as we grow older.

She did not set out to hurt you. I think it was just a coping mechanism. Denial or going thru the motions (as some others have said).

Please put this behind you. And I love that suggestion from someone to see if you could get a beautician in to do her hair. Breaking free of the pain to do something for someone who you feel has wronged you takes strength, but is worth it in the end.
Hugs
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie
I'm sure you were hurt by her actions. If you are like I was, I expected my husband's death to impact everyone else like it was me. I now realize that everyone handles death in their own way. I don't believe it was your mother-in-law's way of showing denial, nor not caring. She is from a different time where they possibly viewed death differently than we do. Or, her viewpoint may have been different in the respect that yes, she did lose her son, and yes, she was in pain. Her concern may have been to look nice for his services, or she was going on with her normal schedule, knowing that whether or not to get her hair done wouldn't change the fact her son was gone.

I would let it go for your sake. You don't need any more on your plate than you already have.
amb60
amb60
Thanks to all that commented on this. I realized that part of what she did was generational, but I found it to be ironic that the one thing that my husband and I always joked about really happened, that nothing comes between mom and her hair appointment. His mom was always more materialistic than others and somewhat vain. It was a status thing for her. When my husband and I got married I already had 2 small kids, I was told by her that I was so lucky that he would marry me because not too many men would take on someone who had 2 kids. Also prior to and during the veiwing she kept telling my 2 oldest that "you know that he was good to you both". Believe me, my kids never looked at him as a stepfather, to them he was Dad. My kids were in total meltdown, my son had a hard time even picking flowers for the service and my daughter , well I had a hard time getting her to leave the casket when it was time to go. When my brother-in-law got in from out of state for the service , the first thing his mom said to him was "you know I love you, but I was closer to David". There were a few more things said and done that I guess made my frustration a little bit harder to deal with, but even with all that, I still do love his parents and in other ways they have been good to us and I do know that they do love and care about us, so I do not let it get to me most of the time, and deep down I do not hold it against them or her.
This was supposed to be just a "Thanks for your posts" but I just went on and on , maybe I just needed to vent about it.