Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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pattygriffith 02/26/2016

Im sure that this is something we all have asked ourself. As me and my friend Frank were talking the other night. He raised a very good question. WHO AM I. WHATS MY IDENTITY. As I was talking to my sister last night kinda of sayin this same thing. If you are married for just 1-2 years you don't have enough time to mold/change into someone else. But when you have been married for a period of time you almost become 1 with your spouse. Who you was before and who you became before your spouse died. Frank said WHO AM I now. Without her or without him who are we. I think we are intertwined so much that we loose our own identities because we start doing things that we didn't like or want to do just to please our spouses. We give up alot for our spouses and we loose ourselves. Alot of things that Steven wanted to do ,I said that seemed boring or I wasnt interesting so he didn't do it either because he didn't want to do it alone or the same thing Im sure for me. I know alot of times I wouldn't even mention to Steven I wanted to do something because I knew he wouldn't want to go so I just held back from my own happiness.

How do you answer that. Frank said he asked his family do a homework assignment . He asked them as part of a research assisnment about himself. Who do you think I am?

As for parts of of myself for example. I always believed in GOD before I met Steven and so did he. Nothing changed about that.

Now I will begin my own assignment of this same question. WHO AM I without him. The town I live is only because of him. My job ,my career. The house we bought almost 4 years ago was because of him. He seen it and had to tell me to come look at at. Alot of the decisions I make these days are because of him. Without him ,what is my identity.

Shrn 02/26/2016

I went through the exact same identity search after realizing that I was alone, truly alone, as he wasn't going to be coming through the door. I was a teenager when we began dating. I didn't give up my dreams, but we forged them together. Without him by my side everything changed.

I looked back at my life, why did I chose a medical profession? Why did I work and love retail when I was young. Why am I attracted to geriatric patients and love their stories? My conclusion was I love people. I love serving and uncomfortable receiving.

I was preparing for retirement when Don got sick and retired to spend our last days together. These are the questions that I used to define me. Then I began building myself with things I enjoy. Sharon

nana012 02/26/2016

I never really questioned who I was after Bob died. I did think a lot about what persona I would take on as a widow. I will always be Bob's wife, and I retained who I was before we married. Bob and I were both independent people, though we did think a like and sometimes finish each other's sentences. He always encouraged me to keep the same hobbies, and music, and independence. I did the same for him.

So, I wondered at what I would be as a widow. It all came down to me just being myself. It's what he would have wanted. I'm still wacky, independent, and I like to travel. Travelling rarely happens because I'm on a fixed income, but it is fun to plan. He encouraged that also, because he knew I liked it. So, I am just me really. Traveling my own journey with Bob in my heart. I grieve a lot, and sometimes I am at peace. It has been a little over 2 years now. Time does help. I suggest that those who are new widows or widowers give it time before thinking about identities. It seems to me that I am not very different, and that the differences in my life are maturity, learning to live together, and strength as an individual. Stuff that should happen. Every relationship is different.

AfterMom 02/26/2016

I still feel that my identity is that of being my Beloveds' widow.
It will probably take a lot of time to feel differently, as our relationship was 42 years.
Barbara.

lifeisunreal 02/26/2016

I agree with both nana012 and AfterMom -

At a little over six months, I have given no thought to a " new "
identity without my wife. Besides, I think I already know the
answer to any question concerning who I am.

We were together for 31 years and were very fortunate. We
liked the same music, types of movies, foods, places, the
study of history, horses and just about everything else down
the list. There as almost zero adjustment to doing anything
she didn't want to do or vice versa. We liked and disliked the
same things and talked about it now and then. I remember
one long discussion several years ago and we were trying
to come up with something one of us liked that the other one
didn't like. The only thing we could come up with was broccoli.

So, I don't know about a " new " identity in the future. I cannot
think of one thing that I want to do differently in the future. The
only difference will be that I shall be doing whatever it is
without her.

Blessings to all -

Darrell

pattygriffith 02/27/2016

but the only prob with some of this is that I was only 19 when I got married and hadn't had time to build my own identity yet. I think its really time to soul search and find out things.

strong4 02/27/2016

I can truly understand this, I was with my husband for 35 years before he passed, now I know I have to find who I am. I ask myself what would my husband have thought, when I am making decisions. But, I know I have to do what is right for me. Your post was insightful. Thanks.

cgriff4ever 02/27/2016

My husband and I were together 2 years married 1 1/2,, neither of us changed for the other. We were our own person, but one together. We respected eachother, and traded off, if one wanted to do something, but the other did not, the next time the other took their turn. I still feel I am who I was before sean passed, just a more improved, by being more conscientious towards others, closer to god, and more appreciative of the little things. I never lost who I was, but now Im my bestfriends/husbands widow. I will love him forever, and nothing will ever change that, nor the fact that Im still in love with him. just my 2 cents worth.

nana012 02/28/2016

Patty, you are more your own person than you realize. I was first married at age 17. It didn't last because my husband was mentally ill and I was endangered - to put it bluntly. I had a baby, also. So I got out. Even at the young age, I was independent. I was married a second time, and it was mostly because most of my friends got married, so I did. When I met Bob, I was just ready. Our experiences help shape who we are. You are an individual, and you are yourself. Don't ever think differently. I would not assume that you lost your own identity, and I wouldn't assume that being married for only a few years doesn't give you enough time to blend as one identity. I've had both. I know that it doesn't make any difference. Accept that you are yourself.

Lois11 02/28/2016

I was 19 when we married Ken was my only boyfriend. Now after almost 5 yrs of him being gone I still go by Mrs. Not Ms. I am in legality Ken's widow but in my heart I'm alwas his wife and always will be. I'm the mother of our two children Gramma of 4 fastastic grandchildren and great-Gram of two wonderful boys. I have no problem with my idenity.

Nicker07 02/28/2016

I work at a nearby middle school as a para educator.
I teach 7 classes of ELA reading program with 7 to 11 kids at a time.
I after 5 years I am not sure I like being Mrs. McKeel as I explain I am not married anymore. I have evolved as just ME so much with working on my place learning how to do things I had no idea I could do and things have changed much since Roger has been gone I do not identify with our lives as US much anymore. I have honestly thought I changing back to my maiden name.

HCARD 02/28/2016

Good post. I was married 42 yrs, dated 4 yrs. I was just a teenager when we got together. I did what he wanted, ate where he wanted and watched the movies he liked. It hasn't been a month yet since he died. But I still wonder who am I, what do I like. Every move I make I involve him. My logic tells me to give myself at least a year, but my emotional self keeps wondering " Who am I "

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