I can't believe it's been 6 months of sadness since you've been gone.  I still have days that I can cry and cry and the hurt seems as intense as it was in the beginning.  But I have more days that I don't cry.  I still can't find the happiness or joy I used to feel in my heart but once in a while I think I feel a flicker, just a flicker - enough to keep me going and hope that some day I will feel it again.

I miss being your special lady, I miss you cleaning off my car, doing my sewing, cooking the meals, making me laugh, making me feel like you would fight a grizzly bear to save me.  I miss all the things you did just to make me happy and no other reason.  

I have so many regrets while you were sick.  My brain knows I did the best I could but my heart keeps aching because maybe I could have rubbed your feet more, been beside you more, been more patient, held your hand more, nagged the doctors more, pushed harder for more information, maybe I should have kept you alive longer - the list goes on.  

I feel so angry that you suffered so much and died so young.  The things you went through will haunt me forever.  You didn't deserve that.

I'm going to try to smile tomorrow on my birthday for you, while I try to forget the suffering and the loss, I will remember the way you sang me happy birthday from the time I woke in the morning till I went to sleep at night.  The flowers and presents and birthday poems.  I will try to honour those good memories with a smile tomorrow - just for you.  Love you always xo