Hope no one cares if I vent. This has just been a bad week (& yes its only Wednesday) I had my taxes done & had to pay everyone!! State, Federal, County, & the tax preparer (who had previously told me he would do my taxes as a favor to my late husband, for some stupid reason I thought that meant he wouldn't charge me) Oh well. Then I get a notice that my daughter's tuition is due. Great!! I still haven't found a job. Luckily when I was working I saved most of my money. But my saving is going down, down down. I am getting very discouraged with that big know in my stomach. I look at my account & think how much longer will this money last. I understand now what is meant by all the books that say Widows won't spend money. Gee I wonder why, haha. Maybe because we are too afraid we will be penniless in a few years. I still have about 7 years til I can collect retirement. So after feeling very down, I was on my way home from the attorney's office (hopefully he won't charge me more money) and I decided to go to the cemetery where my husband is buried. The snow & ice has finally melted so I thought I could probably get to the gravesite. So I parked by car & got out to walk down to where he was buried. Our headstone hasn't been installed yet since my husband hasn't been deceased very long. Anyways, I couldn't find his burial plot. It was horrible. I felt so lost & distraught & just wanted to scream. I was in the cemetery walking around crying & yelling to myself that "I can't even find you". I honestly thought my legs were going to give out. I can't explain this feeling I had but it was not good. I just cried hysterically. Its like Tom is gone forever because I couldn't find where he was buried. So after I got home I called my church to ask if a name/marker was to have been in the cemetery. Of course I have to call someone else so guess I will be doing that tomorrow. Just didn't have it in me to try today.

Oh well, I do feel alittle better just being able to get that out. I know I will survive & get thru this. I just don't want anyone to see how worried I am. I know people say God will provide, but I still have a hard time believing this because I still don't understand why God didn't save my husband/my children's daddy. But I guess this comes with time as well.