Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Scared

mvaba
mvaba
I know many of you will see this as far too soon, but I am so scared. I hear that this grief continues for many months, sometimes years. I feel like I am walking through treacle. I wake in the morning, tread my way through the day, go to bed, wake up and start treading again. My husband passed away just over 2 weeks ago. The funeral is this coming Thursday. I am trying to convince myself that when it is over I will feel a little more settled but I doubt it as this grief is consuming my every waking moment.
I have good family who are supportive (and for that I am really grateful). But my point is, if I have to struggle through this overwhelming feeling every day for a few years, then what? With my husband I was totally contented. We were totally in love with each other and were more than happy just sitting watching tele with a cuppa. I was with him for 33 years and our love never waivered. An evil disease took his life, leukaemia. Such a wonderful man, knowing that every one he knew only had good things to say about him.
Yes I know it is only two weeks and I feel I have only just started out on this journey and yet I feel someone out there who lost someone two years ago is still going through what I am going through. Is there actually any point to all this suffering?
rebl3157
rebl3157
You are right, it is very early in your journey. It will get easier, let the grief happen, it just shows how much you loved him. The tears are cleansing though very exhausting. Keep striving to get through or it will consume you. I am at 14 months and have become a stronger person through it all. Some days I wanted to give up, then it would pass. It does let up a little at a time. There is no set time limit for any of us. Just know we are all here for you.
Rachel
hgsdms
hgsdms
"Is there actually any point to all this suffering?" Ive wondered the same thing but I guess we were left here for a reason, and we must go on.
ptorres
ptorres
I read somewhere "grief is the price of love, the greater the love the greater the grief" I am so sorry for your loss. There is a point to grief and it is something we must all process if we want to survive this awful journey. For me the crippling waves of grief have eased up some since the first weeks and months. The zombie like state I was in I think was my mind and bodies way of protecting me from the intense pain and I am having some better days after nearly 7 months. The fog will lift a bit for you and hopefully you will see things more clearly and can begin the work of healing. Peace to you and know we are all here with you. ~Pete
Coop84
Coop84
oh my dear, you are in the very early stages of this grieving journey we are all on. My first months were dark and painful. I am at 15 months and can tell you that it does get easier. We all handle it differently. For now take baby steps, as we all say here on DS. We all get what you are going thru and are here to help you and support you! I am so sorry for your loss!!
letmehelpyou
letmehelpyou
First, I am so sorry for your loss. You are in the very early stages of the grief journey and you need to take the time to grieve and be gentle with yourself. Grief especially starting out is all consuming. It does get better but it takes time and it takes work. Is there actually a point to this suffering? Yes, it is the price in having loved and having been loved. Yes, if you choose to make sure that there is a point to the suffering. Suffering is horrible, I hate it... but my husband's death was my crucible. It took raw material and honed me into a more thinking, caring, compassionate person. Just as his loved changed me forever, so did his death. Just please be kind and gentle with yourself right now and take it one day at a time. This is a very long fight and journey that you are on.

Hugs,
Val
scottito
scottito
The words to an old Bob Seger rock song come to my mind - "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then". Me, I thought 2 weeks of grief and I'd be okay. Surprise! Well, deep grief is the price we pay for being deeply in love - and I for one would not trade all our wonderful years together for anything. So if I've got be a basketcase for a time, so be it. Best advice I can offer is just take this one day at a time (one minute at a time if you have to) - and don't worry about how long it might last. We all have to get through it to get out of it. Worst thing we can do is try to run from it. God bless you. We're all here for you. ~ Scott
bookdragon
bookdragon
I am so sorry for your loss. I find at 7 months it is still consuming, but it is easier then the first few months. Everyone goes through this journey at their own pace. Is there a point? I am not sure but for me it means that the 40 years we spent together were solid and good. That my husband is missed greatly. That he is remembered. Big hug-Patti
eric1971
eric1971
I'm sorry for your loss, and you are right, you have only started out on this journey. Go easy on yourself, take one day at a time, don't worry about 2 years from now, you'll make yourself worse. Even though all of our journeys are different, everyone here can relate, which is great since most people can't.
For me, in November it will be 3 years since my wife passed. I'm raising our son by myself, he's 11 now. And yes, there are still times when I think of my wife and cry, but there are times when I laugh too. You can't expect to feel better in a certain time frame, or because of an event, or anniversary. It happens over time, usually without realizing it until you look back.

Some of my favorite quotes from people on this site:
Remember your blessings, we don't want to be so paralyzed by the tragedy of the event that we ignore the many wonderful blessings in our life.

Grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of Weakness, nor a lack of Faith. It is the Price of Love.

Do the best you can, laugh at the mistakes and take pride in the successes.
dschwartz
dschwartz
Darling . . two weeks is simply a dribble drop in time that may seem like eternity. You are so very early on in your grief journey. :( Suffice to say it does get easier with time; however, none of we can measure time for healing. It comes at it's own pace. Please be gentle with self and allow room for your healing tears. They will come and go. You will have ups and downs. This is all quite the norm for our respective grief work. My sincerest condolences . . and sending lots of healing thoughts your way. Hugs, Dayna
dschwartz
dschwartz
P.S. Yes, there is a point to suffering . . . as we "grow" through it and because of it. We are changed forever.
Truhal
Truhal
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm nearly six years out and can tell you that you will not always feel the way you do now. We humans have been given the ability to adjust to new situations. This allows us to move on to the next chapter in our lives. This allows us to move through the grieving process.

In the early days of my loss, I kept thinking my husband would come home. I'd hear a car pull up or the phone would ring and I'd think it was him. I'd see a man in the store or somewhere else and think it was my husband for a few moments. My heart would stop every time it happened and the tears would follow. I didn't see how I could go on. But I did. I adjusted to my new situation. After a time, I no longer thought I saw my husband in the store and I knew when the phone rang it was probably a friend or relative.

Some would say I'm doing better. I would say that I've accepted that my husband is no longer here and I've moved on with my life. It's not better. But it's good. I enjoy the new friends I've made and I'm happy again.
gailarmstrong
gailarmstrong
You have described your feelings so beautifully. I couldn't have said it better. Don't be scared love, everything shifts and changes during this terrible new phase in our lives but we do get through it and believe it or not, it seems to go quickly. My husband died 18 months ago, I still don't like that he's not here for me but I've learned a lot about myself during this time.You must be feeling very numb at the moment, just take one step at a time. Get through the funeral and then have time to yourself. I won't lie, this is the worst thing you could ever go through but trust me you will do it. Much love Gail xx
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