If you are not seeing a professional, then you should try. I say that because suicide is very complex. Difficult to figure out why the person did it.

I only have two examples in my life and both are difficult to understand.

One, a woman friend of ours, a beautiful, thirty something lady who could sing like an angel ( she sang in a group with my wife ) killed herself. We had no warning, but the girl had a troubled childhood and we never knew what caused it.

The other was a guy at my job. A very friendly guy, he worked his way up thru the company, handsome and really a guys guy. He was in a custody battle with his wife and had some financial problems ( I know this only because as the IT guy at my company I had to go thru his voicemails to check for anything work related as he was a salesman ) and he had messages from lawyers and bill collectors. I saw him on a Monday and he was joking around with us at work, then went home and shot himself in the head. He was taking some anti smoking meds but we really could not understand why he did it. He was a very good guy and everyone in the company really liked him.

I guess I'm saying that you are never going to figure out why, but a professional can help you work through it.

A tough break, man. You really feel like you never had a change to maybe change things.

Bob

My heart goes out to you. I can't begin to understand how this feels but I can listen. Please reach out if you need a friend. Hug to you!

I agree with asarivg12 you need help to understand that you did not have any control over someone else. It is not your fault.
I hope you find the help you need so very much. My heart just melts when I hear of such a loss.

I second Bob in saying that you should seek professional counselling, someone from the outside who would help you unravel your feelings and support you through this harsh period. I hope it is possible for you to do so, I am feel this would help you most.

I am totally helpless in front of your raw emotions and devastation. Of course here we can listen to you and support you 24/7 but I feel you need more than our shoulders to cry on.

I wish you strength, courage and ultimately peace.

Squeege,

Here is some literature that was helpful to me after my wife completed suicide 4 years ago:

http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=229&name=DLFE-73.pdf

http://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide/where-do-i-begin/resource-and-healing-guide

Also, besides seeing a counselor experienced with suicide loss, there are some other resources available to us survivors of suicide (SOS). A very well known organization is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

http://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide

In addition to all the info about suicide they provide and suicide awareness events they organize, on their website is a list of local in person support groups for SOS that one might attend, broken down by state and region. Here are some additional organizations and sites:

http://www.suicidology.org/suicide-survivors

http://forum.forsuicidesurvivors.com/

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/

http://www.suicidegrief.com

There are also a number of Facebook groups for SOS, including:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/Suicide.Survivors.1

https://www.facebook.com/groups/2380414449
(SOS~~Survivors of Suicide)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/475075220537
(One life - Bereaved by Suicide)

Perhaps one or more of these resources can also be of help to you.

--- WifeLess

Pete, I had the strange fortune or misfortune, depending on how you view it, to be married to someone going through alcohol/drug rehab. Cliff finally went into alcohol rehab after spending a night in the jail's "drunk tank" and was in the drunk tank because he had washed down a handful of pills with a half a bottle of vodka. He should have been in the hospital, but he was so freakin smart that he convinced the emergency room doctors that he was okay, so they turned him back over to the police who held him over night. He wanted me to make bail for him, but I left him in jail so that I would have the night to work with his shrink to get him hospitalized for his drinking. We were able to get him admitted, and he did the full 28 days and was released. Ironically, it was the training I was required to go through as part of his/my/our recovery that taught me about the stages of grief so that I would know what to expect later when he died - 20 years later.

Why am I telling you this? Because I know that drugs and alcohol can be a complete game-changer in certain people. Cliff valued life so much that he was a pacifist and wouldn't hurt a fly. But loaded? Totally different story. He hurt himself. He hurt me. Before he got into recovery, I came home from work one day to find the house filled with gas and him with his head in the oven. He was so drunk. He was by nature the most gentle soul you could ever meet. Seriously the type of guy who would give the shirt off his back and never say a bad thing about anybody. But drunk or high? He tried to kill himself. He tried to kill me. It got real ugly sometimes; that's why I filed for divorce - by then we had a 2-1/2 year old, and I wasn't taking chances with it anymore. But it wasn't the real Cliff.

Do you know the story of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?" It's said that Robert Louis Stevenson wrote that based on what a close friend of his was like under the influence. Usually, we think of the Hyde side being about hurting others, but the reality is that it is just as often the person hurting themselves. AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT YOU WHEN THEY ARE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND.

Sober, Cliff was a loving, kind, gentle man, and a wonderful, gentle, doting father, too. Drunk or high it was not him - it was the alcohol or drugs talking.

It was not until we were in therapy after he went through rehab that I learned about the things that contributed to his pain and why he was drowning himself, his anger, and the family tree that gave him the genes that made it worse. We had been together for almost 10 years, so close it was like we were one person sometimes, but even with me he couldn't talk about it. He loved me, he loved our son, but he couldn't tell me about what had happened to him. His psychiatrist finally got it out of him.

Sometimes people do things that aren't good for them. Not everyone can drink or get high without serious consequences. It sounds like Squeege was one of those people who was more delicate, more susceptible to what can go wrong.

I know nothing I say to you is going to give you the peace your heart seeks. I do hope it will help you get the courage to talk with a professional to help you understand what it all means and how this discovery fits in with what happened. I think it would help you a great deal if you would discuss this with a professional who can explain how the drugs interact and affect decision-making. Try 3 sessions with a counselor - just 3. Give it a go. Get the information you need so you can make up your own mind about it. Counseling does not have to be forever. Do this for you, and do this for her. And don't wait. Call someone today and get the referral - your GP maybe to get the referral. It will help.

Sending you Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

Some can handle the lowering of gates that substances like those do, others can't . A lot has to do with what they grew up with, not your relationship but how they learned to relate. That may go deeply back in their history.
For me where that plays is, I will turn on me first. My actions are not ever thought about to cause others pain, only to end my own.
It's still hard to understand why I am worthy, a fight everyday that I have to gear up for, to control my perceptions. Any substance that would lower the gate to those feeling of self destruct, are things I know I must stay away from. The battle is always just barely being held in favor of living, at times.

You are not responsible for her choices , she was, even if it was to her detriment in the long run. Until people are aware of their weakness they can stop them.

You are reaching out , that's good. It's a start, to say "I need help with this." We are here, but please follow through with other forms too. This is not going to be easy but it's so necessary for you to come out of this. She didn't have your strength in the fight, the willingness to ask for help.
Gentle hug,
Jewells

I am so sorry you are going through this. I love that you said you fought the good fight and did what you could. That is the strength that will get you through your pain and grief. When you are going over and over those painful issues I hope you remind yourself that you are indeed strong and caring. Keep posting.

Hi Pete, I don't have much to add to the excellent posts you have already read. You are a very good person. You deserve a full and happy life once you have gotten the help you need to recover from this tragedy, that you had no control over. People in your life currently who love you, and those you haven't even met yet, are depending on you to be there for the future you will share with them. Comfort and prayers to you my friend;
Robert

thank you everybody, was a horrific day. It was difficult information to process. i will seek professional help

Hugs , we are here to support you in it.
Jewells

Just wanted to add my support to the others who have posted here.

Wishing you peace ...

Hi, squeege. I cannot say anything more then the others. I just wanted you to know that I also support you.
You are not alone, we are all here for you. Hugs and prayer millerb