Pete, I had endless nightmares for weeks - it got to the point where I would rather not sleep which just made everything that much worse. I relived his death, I dreamt he was leaving me for another woman, I dreamt he tried to kill me, I dreamt of one horrible thing after another, night after night.

It is what happens when your brain is trying to understand that which is unfathomable. I am sorry you are going through this, too..

It took different things to be able to get through it. I journaled, I got counseling, I changed the way my bedroom was set-up (he died in our bed), I came here to DS a lot, I wrote poems to Cliff, I took my vitamins, I went for a walk at least once a day, I went back and re-read our old love letters. I don't have one magic thing that will make it all go away. Some nights I took an antihistamine tablet to get drowsy enough to sleep - Bendryl/which is diphenhydramine - the same thing in Sominex and Nytol (not sure what you have where you are). It wasn't easy.

I think it was 3-4 months before I had a good dream of Cliff. I had loads of self-doubt until then. I agonized over whether he had loved me - and this was after 30 years together. I don't know, sometimes it seems like we have to go a bit crazy before we can be all right again.

If you can't get any decent sleep, try writing her a letter. If you can't write to her, try writing to God - that helps sometimes, too. If that doesn't work, and the things I have listed above don't work or appeal to you, you can consult with your doctor to get a short-term sleep aid. Lack of rest will make you crazy, too, so it is important for you get some decent sleep. If you need meds for a short time to do that, it's okay.

I am sorry you're going through this. She did love you, she just couldn't find her way clear. I am sorry for that, too. Sometimes we can't help them. We can love them, but we can't always save them. I found out 2-1/2 years after Cliff died that he was diagnosed with the conditions that caused his heart attack a year before he died, but he never told me. He was supposed to go for more tests and be treated for high blood pressure and COPD and high cholesterol. He never told me. If he had, well....

My situation was not quite the same as yours - I know that - but sometimes you have to work on accepting that you cannot make all their decisions, and that it is not all your fault. I would have done anything to save him. I never got the chance. The feelings of anger and betrayal mixed with the deep deep sorrow -- too familiar.

Don't give up - you can get through this.

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

When my husband first passed away I began to have nightmares on a daily basis. My dreams consisted on him calling me and telling me over the phone that he had an affair. Another dream was having him next to me, enjoying each others company and all of the sudden he was leaving as if someone was taking him away. Each time I dreamed I felt terrible. I felt devastated, scared and disorientated. Waking up didn't help because I only woke up to another nightmare. It had been 9 months today since he left this world and there has only been a few good dreams-the kind you wish you lived in. Yet, I truly agree with Cliff; our brains are working overtime trying to process and find answers to why. My only suggestion is to talk about how you feel. All the emotions that are killing you inside, take it out. Then with time you will begin to see a difference. I hope that soon you will be able to have pleasant dreams....

Pete, I am so sorry to hear about your nightmares, especially the uncertainty you expressed about your relationship. I can only say that it sounds like you had 15 years together to share your souls with each other, and during that time a love bond was forged that couldn't be broken by a couple of rough weeks at the end. The end does not cancel out the bond that was there all along.

I too have been tormented by knowing that my husband was mad at me on the day he died. A small argument popped up out of nowhere the night before, and he was still mad about it the next morning when he went to work. I knew he needed a little time and expected to resolve things when he got home that night, but he never came home. So I have to live with the fact that there was no goodnight kiss on the last night and knowing that we never really made up after that last argument. But I have to believe that he died knowing I loved him no matter what, and vice versa. We had been together 33 years and I have to look at the huge number of happy, normal times we had, rather than the night before he died, which neither one of us ever suspected would be our last night here together.

Wishing you peace,
Alice

It must be so horrible to understand how your loved one could do such a thing. I love cliffskat's idea of writing her a letter. Mail it, and when you receive it and read it, try to put yourself in her shoes. Forgive her, and wish her peace. She will hear you, and she will find her peace. You will find yours too. It is that light at the end of the tunnel, waiting for you to forgive yourself and open your eyes - then you will see. It is always hardest to forgive ourselves, yet the easiest thing to say. Believe in yourself and the words will come. This makes sense to me, and I hope you understand. I feel the same for myself, and I think I just found some of my own answers too.

There are so many unanswered questions we are left with sleeping seems hard. I dozed and woke until I just got up. I think I was sleep deprived for months. I have no answers other than cliffskat suggestions and wishing you well. Sharon

i really didn't think anyone would be able to write something that could make me feel better about this but you guys managed too. Once my mind goes down that road i'm convinced she didn't love me and sink to a depth beyond all reason, thanks for providing some light

I lost my husband in April 2013. When I would lay on my couch I would relive loosing him all over again and I would relive his funeral services again. I also had nightmares that he left me or that he came back just to scare me into a heart attack. I never got closure with my husband, but it was all about going though a process of grieving. I am sorry you are going though that it is a horrible step to go though. Remember we are all here for you

I dreamed all night long. bed at 12, up at 2, bed at 4, up at 6, bed at 7;30 up at 9 ....am up for the day!!!!!...

I ate a pimento/cheese sandwich with a glass of milk just before bed. NEVER AGAIN!!!!

Hi Pete. I know what you have experienced is as difficult as loss can possibly be, and I cannot fully comprehend what you are suffering through. The day of my Sharry's death, which came in her sleep that night, was just another day. I spent most of the day working on projects outside. I spent very little time with her that day, trying to get done what I now see as trivial. A quick kiss goodnight, and thoughts turned to what we would do as a family that Sunday that never came.
Until very recently, my thoughts would frequently return to that day, and I would feel like I abandoned her, on her last day with me on this earth. After reflecting on all of the years filled with days that we spent together in love and laughter, I realized I was beating myself up over something I could not possibly see was coming that terrible night.
The sum total of your time together, Pete, is what counts. Not the difficulties the two of you experienced, whatever they may have been, those last two weeks. If either of us could have seen this coming, we would have wrapped them in our arms, and given our own lives in a heartbeat, to prevent our individual horrors from occurring. That, is how much we loved them. Believe me, both of them know that is true at this very moment. You just keep telling her you love her. She can definitely hear you. You deserve the peace that comes from knowing it is true.
Robert