Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Family

rosie3435
rosie3435
I sit here today just over a year since his passing and wonder what happened to my family...I am refering to my brothers...I have one brother who has not been there for me what so ever during this last year...he has accused me of horrible things and talked about me behind my back constantly...I had a fight with his girlfriend over 2 months ago as she was going around telling people how she was at the hospital all the time helping out when in fact she was there once...the fight was between myself and her but my brother decided to play the heavy and involve himself...to this we are now not speaking and he is still after all this time talking about it...my theory is that this was absolutely none of his business it wasn't about him and he had no right to be involved..I am not sure if I am wrong or right on this..I know that my husband never involved himself in my spats with anyone his theory was always "Let it Go" it's not important but he would never interfere in it...now after all this time his friend has told me I should send him a letter outlining everything that happened...I personally don't want to do any of it...I am grieving for the loss I have suffered and don't want to have negativity in my life...that is all my brother seems to bring to me...his friend is also a friend of mine but I am wondering if he really is why does it matter so much to him if my family is united or divided...he has shown some interest in me and I have always maintained that we were just friends and nothing more...it just adds to the turmoil that I feel in my life and I am trying so hard to move on without any toxic people around me...my brother and I never really had a great relationship all our lives and what should change that now...he is very self centered and cares only about himself...I guess I am just looking for some advice on this situation....thanks...
at17
at17
It sounds like the friend is caught in the middle of two people he cares about. The letter outlining your side of the story is probably just the most expedient way your friend can come with for trying to help bring about peace between you and your brother. Heightened emotions, as we all have learned, often bring out the worst people--this is very clear to those who are not principles (e.g., the mutual friend) in the death of a loved one.
marthaparrish
marthaparrish
You sound like you are really struggling with your brother and girlfriend. Do you have any family or friends that are emotionally supportive?
If it were me, I would lay low and not engage in the girlfriend's game by refusing to respond over the details (even if you know she is lying. )
In this way you choose "the high road" -and do not let others bring you down to their level.
You also sound angry with your brother. Perhaps you can make peace with him. Here's what I say when people continue to want to argue over something petty. "I see your point. " i may not agree with them, but I see their point as crazy as it may be. Then I change the subject.
As I get older and people pass, I am very certain I don't want them to go with an argement as their last memor. Jean
rosie3435
rosie3435
I am only struggling with the fact that my brother interferes in my business...this was between his girlfriend and myself she choose to include my brother in it and he ran with it...I have owned my part in it but he refuses to own her part..(since he is now involved) he is the type that never accepts responsiblity for any of his actions it is always someone else's fault never his...I have never been close to him and since my parents are both gone i tried to make an effort to bring the family together (my first mistake) it was already broken...
I do have a great support system and most of them are tired of the drama that my brother creates...They say time heals all wounds but I don't want this to heal it will only bring grief to my life again in some other way at a later date...he will always be him and change for some is hard...it's not like he has brought anything positive to my life since or before my husband passed...
eighty8
eighty8
People react unpredictably to the passing of a close family member, as I found out the hard way...I mean I watched it hit-the-fan the "day-of"...but inside of six months most of it was forgotten, with the exception of the baggage that was already there...it was already there, and the passing didn't change it, and there is nothing I or anyone else can do to change it, it-is-what-it-is...as unpleasant as that is to hear, sometimes it's all there is.
You are a year out, and you are not the same person you were a year and a month ago...for the most part, you are grieving, and as I and many here on DS are coming to learn, it is unpredictable how long we grieve over the loss of a spouse...I actually equate it to a form of PTSD, and I am not just implying it, I am dead serious...you have had half of yourself amputated, you have been permanently injured, and anyone who loves you will be considerate of you and let you have a little space...you don't need someone to be making war with you...I agree with Martha, if you just avoid them both you have taken "the high road"...but I think most here will agree that in this part of your life, it is more important to be good to yourself, than it is to attempt to make peace with the girlfriend or your brother, who evidently couldn't care less about your well-being.
As I am writing this, I was having visions of an episode of "Caught On Camera" a few years back, where a gangbanger boarded the city bus and started beating up on the blind woman.
I'll say no more.
rosie3435
rosie3435
That is perfect and makes sense...It was never about me it was always about them...I guess until you are in our position you really can't understand...i am fine with the no communication...It makes my life so much easier not dealing with the toxic people just have the ones in my life who bring joy and peace...the ones who care and understand my life now...It feels like because I am alone I am an easy target...If my husband was still here he would have probably told them off by now..He would be so angry with the treatment they have shown me...but alias he is not here and I am only surrounding myself with those who truly care about me and have my wellness at heart...they are the ones that matter now...as for his friend while he was his friend long before he was my friend so I guess in that respect he will remain my brothers friend...that I knew one day would happen...I haven't lost anything I feel I actually gained myself because at this point in my life that is all that matters.
scottito
scottito
Hi Rosie, I haven't figured the "me" out in all this, but I have stopped my contact with my side of the family -- 2 brothers and their families. I moved from Missouri to WA state almost 36 years ago -- and I came to realize that subconsciously I wanted to get as far away from a lot of bad memories as possible. But for the ocean, I probably would have kept going. Well, after I married, my family treated Juanita very poorly -- so ultimately I made the choice of my wife over my family. The last straw was about 5 years ago when a brother's wife and my stepmom tried to set me up with my first real "girlfriend" back home. I didn't care for anyone disrespecting my wife -- and that ended it. When my stepmom died about 3 or 4 years ago, I did not go back for the funeral, and my family was all about show -- they tried everything to get me to go -- to no avail and I'm glad I did not go. So now, they try to reach out and I just don't respond. Life is too short for drama and heartache. I've got enough on my plate now and there is nobody to tell what or how I should eat. I've read here many times how you address book changes. Well, I started rewriting mine years ago. So as the saying goes, You can pick your friends but you can't pick you're family. If you have a good relationship, great. But if the only reason to keep in touch is because they are "blood", I'll just continue to pick my friends (but not my friend's nose, as another saying goes). Follow your heart Rosie. We're too old to keep up appearances. Just always forgive and walk in love -- from a distance when necessary. God bless and comfort you my friend ~~~ Scottie
rosie3435
rosie3435
Thanks I do really appreciate all the advice and really welcome it...It helps more than words can say...
cgriff4ever
cgriff4ever
Oh rosie, Im so sorry you are going through this. I thinks it;s perfectly fine, to not want negativity, dysfunction ,or drama in your life. You can pic your friends but not your family. I am praying for whatever your decision is, it will be what it is, your decision, and don't worry about always having to please others. Much love and big hugs carla
eighty8
eighty8
Scottie...You are a hoot, the way you just came out of nowhere with not picking your friend's nose...that's a new one for me, and I love it.
I agree...he can pick his own damn nose!
(And the ones who do don't need to be told!)
tim57
tim57
Hey Rosie,
Anytime someone chooses to become involved in anything that doesn't directly affect them, I always look for their motivation. What's in it for them. Most people, and I know I sound cynical saying this, but most people are in things for what they can get out of it for them. Even if they have your interest at heart their interest isn't far behind. I have always tried to run as quickly as I can away from other's drama. I understand about the family thing. My step-daughter lives in drama and my wife had backed away form it years ago. Take care.
Peace, Tim
HCARD
HCARD
I agree with Scottito, I had many similar experiences with my family and my husbands. Trimming my family tree and rewriting my address books keeps me sane. The only thing I have lost is drama and hurt. Good riddance
rosie3435
rosie3435
Thanks everyone I am so done with it all...My life is much more calmer without them in it....
jeanatds
jeanatds
My opinion is no letter and no relationship. I know how hard it is to have this imaginary family in your head, to want the loving relationship and really strive for that even to your own detriment. One of my conclusions facing something similar is that I will be ruthless when it comes to respect, if you're not being treated respectfully the situation will likely never resolve anyway. I'm sorry your facing this turmoil and wish you all the best with however you decide to handle it.
Hugs,
Jean
rosie3435
rosie3435
This has been over whelming for me...I felt in my heart that what I was doing was right..but once again you have all made me feel that I have made the right choice...I am so grateful for this site...I sometimes have to second guess things I have done as this journey sure does change you in ways you never thought possible...I have also decided not to persue the friendship with my brothers friend...I have discovered that he was never really my friend...If he was especially at this time in my life he would not have just turned away he would have tried to make it work...another selfish person that I have decided isn't bringing anything positive to my life...This just seems to get easier omitting the negativity out of my life...I will be strong and I will survive with the love and support of each positive person in my life...
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